"I do"

By the Seaside
As we stand beside the ocean tide,may our love always be as constant and unchangingas these never-ending waves that pour beneath our feet,flowing endlessly from the depths of the sea;your love came softly upon my heart,just as the foam comes softly upon the sand,and just as there will never be a morningwithout the ocean's flow,so there will never be a daywithout my love for you.I pledge myself to you this day.Our love will be as unchangingand dependable as the tide;as these waters nourish the earthand sustain life, may my constant devotionnourish and sustain you until the end of time.

I am not a very outgoing person. I am not the person who you would ever find dancing on a stage or singing in a performance. I do not like to draw attention to myself. When it came time to plan our wedding there was a few things to take into account. For me getting married in a big church with many people watching and then having the traditional big reception with lots of dancing is not something I would ever enjoy. I avoid dancing at any and all costs. I do not really enjoy slow dancing either.
When Jeff and I went to Sanibel Island, Florida in 2000 we remember being on the beach and watching a sunset wedding. We said that was the kind of wedding we would like to have. So when it came time to plan our wedding, we already knew that that is where it would be. Never having planned a wedding before it was actually very easy. On the internet are companies that specialize in wedding ceremonies. We found a company in the location that we would like to be married. They already have a photographer that they use, they have an arch, and an officiate. The only decisions that were to be made were when we would do this and what type of flowers I wanted to carry. Jeff and I would have to go to Lee County to get the marriage certificate and that was really all there was to it. Easy and simple yet at a beautiful location that meant something to us both.
My mom and I flew down to Florida before everyone else was to arrive. We needed to meet with the lady that we signed our contract with. We also needed to make reservations for dinner and for my hair. We had fun just hanging out and I got some sun on my face and body so I did not look so pale in the photos. When Jeff arrived a few days later he and I went one day to get the marriage license. We had the rehearsal dinner at McT’s. My parents, siblings, their significant others, niece who was 8 months, my cousin (Marissa who just got engaged, was my maid of honor), my aunt, uncle, Jeff’s dad and his girlfriend of over 10 years, and brother, sister in law, and 2 nieces were all coming at some point to attend our wedding. Jeff’s brother was our best man and our two nieces were our flower girls.
The day of the ceremony it was warm, but cloudy. I kept praying that it would not rain. Jeff and I did not see each other the day we got married until it was time to say “I do.”
Here is a story that I will never forget about the day that I got married. My cousin and I went to a place to have our hair done. Over the phone I had made an appointment and was told “oh yes we can do updos”. So we were expecting to come out looking beautiful. This salon was owned by an older woman. (Elderly) that should have been my first clue to turn around and walk out. This was an important day right? One to look my best. I explained to the stylist what I wanted done and how I wanted my hair to look. She went to find a pony tail holder. She was having no luck. Hmm this is a hair salon right? So she attempts to put in my hair a rubber band. Not just a small rubber band, but a rubber band that you would see in the grocery store around a head of broccoli. I was horrified, but I did not really know what to do. She then did not really understand how I wanted my hair so she kept curling it. I was looking frightful and not like myself nor was I looking like something you would see in the year 2000. Because I do not have the ability to speak up and say I am really unhappy and don’t like how this is progressing I let the lady finish. We paid and left. Marissa and I got into the car and I did not know if I should laugh or cry. We were having a bit of a laugh. I drove down the road to where I knew another salon was. We walked in and I told them I was getting married and the girl looked at me and was horrified. They tried as hard as they could to get my hair to look like something normal. I would have had them wash it and start all over, but we were running out of time. The finished hair was better, just not how I really wanted to look on my wedding day.
As we were driving to blind pass where we would be getting married I was fine. I was not really nervous and was excited to be the Mrs. The sky turned out to be amazing. It never did rain, and because of all the clouds the sky turned into so many gorgeous colors. We got married in our bare feet and after the ceremony we all went out to dinner. My kind of wedding. No dancing, no father daughter dances, no wedding cakes, no flying garters, just relaxed and stress free with all our immediate family.
Jeff and I are now coming up on our 6th Wedding anniversary. We have been through some really tough times together. We have weathered many storms and we continue to grow closer every day. I have given birth to four children, we have lost two to still birth, we have learned how to manage money better, and we get along perfectly. We are not a couple that fights with one another and raises our voices. We never have been. We just love each other and respect each other as well as continue to be best friends and supportive. I LOVE you Jeff. You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life!

On the road again

“A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams.”

Jeff and I flew back to Ohio one weekend to go search for a new house. We decided that with all the money one spends in an apartment and gains nothing in the end a better option for us would be to purchase a house. We also had a date set for our upcoming wedding. We would be getting married on May 25th 2002. As we looked at houses we had a limited time to really spend at any one place. In the end we found a new development going up. My aunt and uncle told us about it. They were currently building a home in this development. The development had three phases to it. The first phase was still underway. On the way out after being discouraged that we were way over our price limit we saw a house that had a for sale sign. We immediately noticed that it was a bit smaller than the houses being built. For just the fun of it I had Jeff stop and we got the info for the house. We ended up setting a time to view the house. We really liked many aspects of the house. Although because it was already built and done inside to be ready to be sold many decisions that some homeowners get to make had already been determined. For example the floors were already put in. There was no carpet yet but the kitchen floors, entry foyer floors, bathroom floors were already in place. The kitchen cabinets were already in place so there was no change as far as color of the wood, the counter tops in the kitchen and bathrooms were also in place. I am really into oak wood as opposed to a light pine. So I guess this was a time to not be choosey. We ended up deciding to buy the house. We were still in over our heads as far as price, but somehow we were determined to make it work. It is a nice neighborhood, has a great location to where I would be working and Jeff would be 5-10 minutes away from his new job, the backyard would be great for the dogs. Many of the houses we looked at were right by major roads and that was a concern with the dogs. Best of all my aunt and uncle would be living right down the street from us.

March/ April 2002
When we got back to Seattle the majority of our time was spent canceling services, packing boxes, and preparing for our move. When I moved out to Seattle we spent some time viewing and stopping to enjoy parts of the country we had never seen before. This time we were going to be going at a more scheduled and faster pace. We were excited to get into our home. I would be attending a wedding shower soon. And if I remember correctly the few days before we left it would be Easter the following Sunday. I would be driving the Cherokee this time and Jeff would be driving a big u-haul truck and pulling his car.

We made it back to Ohio and had no problems. After moving into the house we had a lot to do. We had our upcoming wedding to prepare for, unpacking, Jeff starting a new job, house services to set up, and all the rest of the fun that goes into moving.

In the end the girl who moved to Seattle with big dreams and longing for independence made it out there a total of 9 months! We currently still live in the house we purchased over 6 years ago. Our house has come a long way. We have some many memories here and have added new members to our family. As well as losing a few members to our family. Our house is now a HOME that we love and are blessed to have.

Downward Spiral

As 2001 turned into 2002 my life was going in a downward spiral. I was depressed, unmotivated, and uncertain about many things. My relationship with Jeff continued to be a strong aspect of my life. As far as my living situation, job, feelings about our country, and my feelings about me in general were all areas of unease.

I started to really dislike living in Seattle. (I apologize now to anyone who lives there and thinks it is the greatest state going). Have you ever seen Sleepless in Seattle? Remember all the rain in the movie? Well that was no lie. It not only rains a great deal in Seattle it is also very dark. Here in Ohio it can be a cloudy or a gray day, but you can still see shadows to remind you that the sun exists. (Ohio is not my dream state either by the way)The rain was not helping the depression. I do much better and feel much more alive and motivated when the sun is out and shining. The time change was also difficult with my work schedule. I was working nights and Jeff would be home asleep. When most people were working I would be sleeping. I do enjoy the night shift and this was my decision to work this shift, I just did not see much of the real world. I also always had to keep in mind when calling the east coast that they were three hours ahead of us. Sometimes finding the time to call someone could be strenuous.

I enjoy nursing, but there are many aspects to a nursing job that make the job very stressful. For example I worked the 7PM-7AM shift. Now if you think that the patients are asleep during this time think again. It is busy. In a 12 hour shift I would be on my feet nonstop. I was supposed to have a lunch break and more often than not I had no time for a lunch break. It was nonstop activity. To this day I miss the patients and patient care. I miss adult conversations and the feeling of accomplishment and feeling like I am contributing to our family monetarily, but I do not miss the feeling of being so hectic and on the go. Another aspect is the fact that the hospitals are so understaffed with nurses. I had at least 6 patients in my 12 hour shift. I felt like all 5-6 of my patients were not getting the best patient care and teaching available. It is hard to be in the middle of something with a patient and have your pager constantly going off because another patient needs to go to the restroom, wants to talk to you, or just soiled their bed. Many times we had one aide on the floor, but she was helping with over 50 patients. It was crazy. Another aspect of me and just growing as a person was first hand witnessing some of the things I have seen on television or read in a book or magazine. I grew up being a pretty sheltered person as my husband and friends like to remind me. I was working in downtown Seattle passing the homeless as I started my shift. This was a county hospital and we took everyone regardless of income. I had many patients that were homeless. It was so upsetting to know that there were patients coming in for care just to get a meal, a shower, and shelter. These are the things that I took for granted. The sad stories that I kept coming into contact with were also adding to my depression. One in particular was a young girl. She had just been married and was on her honeymoon. She and her husband were in a car driving around Mount Rainer. As they were driving up the mountain the snow on some of the trees was so heavy that it caused some of the trees to snap and fall over. The tree killed her husband. She was in the ICU for quite some time. When she came to our floor she was starting to regain more of her memory. I remember crying with her. I could not even imagine. She had many broken bones and came a long way. They did not think she would make it either. Heartbreaking!

The images on television and the stories about September 11th continued. We were educated on who the attackers were, who lost family members, who lost parents, children, and loved ones. We heard story after story of heroism and we saw story after story of death and funerals. At times I would want to run from the coverage and at other times I wanted to be reminded. I wanted to know how our country was going to respond. I wanted to know why. The uncertainty and fear of what had happened when we were all so unaware of that it could happen the way it did was alarming. How safe are we? Is the government doing all they can to protect us? What can we do? These were all questions that frequented my mind.

When Jeff and I had quality time together we often spent time having “table talk”. This was just sitting at the kitchen table talking about our future, our dreams, and our wants. More often than not we were also playing a game of Scrabble. During “table talk” one night we discussed the future and we decided that maybe moving back to the east coast would be better for me. Jeff really enjoyed and liked his job. So this would be a hard decision for him. We also knew that we would be getting married it was just a matter of an engagement and when and where. I was no longer feeling comfortable just dating and living together.

One day when I went into work another RN came and was talking to me. She asked me what was wrong and I lost it. I started crying and having a panic attack. I was in the bathroom and unable to stop crying. This was another experience for me that taught me that I could no longer be so unhappy with all the things going on in my life. I ended up having her taking me off the schedule. I was unable to work let alone think clearly and be in charge of patients care in the state I was in. A few days or weeks later I found myself in Dr. Pablo’s (not real name, but the name Jeff and I gave him) office. He ended up increasing the Paxil that I was on. This was not my first panic attack and depression was something that I had been diagnosed with in 1999-2000.

One day Jeff was on the phone with my dad. My dad owns his own business. You can understand more here about the company. (http://www.lexi.com/) My dad offered him a position in the sales department. I have to say again that this was a very hard decision for Jeff. I am grateful every day that he took this job so that we could move closer to family and friends. Had Jeff decided not to return to Ohio I don’t know how our relationship would have turned out. I don’t know if I would have been able to stick it out in Seattle or if I would have moved back alone. This is another example though to Jeff and I how powerful God has been in our lives and our relationship.

We soon were engaged and came back to Ohio to look for a place to live. We also had a wedding to plan. Stayed tuned for the wedding and our first home in the next post!

A changing point in America and my life

September 10th 2001
Tomorrow I start my first day at Harborview Medical Center. The day will start across the street in an auditorium. All of the newly graduated nurses will be in a large group for orientation. We will then eventually move into the hospital for classroom time and then to the floors we were hired onto for patient care with another RN that will show us the ropes. Where the linens are, medications, IV kits needles, etc. After we have this we move onto providing all the patient care but having the RN (mentor) follows us and gives advice/ tips.

September 11th 2001
Today was just a normal day for me. I got up and showered and was excited and nervous at the same time for my first day of orientation. Jeff was out of town on a business trip so I did not have him to pat me on the back or kiss me good bye when I went out the door to start my first day in my new career. I got in the car and the sun had not risen yet. I pulled out of the apartment complex and was listening to the radio. I soon heard the dj talking about an airplane. I did not really understand what was going on. My first thought was that there was an airplane that had crashed somewhere in New York, but still was unaware at what had really occurred. They took a commercial break and when they came back on the air the woman dj was having difficulty keeping her emotions in check and she was crying. I still was not aware at what was occurring until they did a recap of the events that had transpired. Soon they were talking about the west coast and that the Space Needle may be a target. Here I am driving to downtown Seattle. I had not seen anything but only had the information given to me auditory. I just kept thinking “what am I doing?” Do I go to the first day of orientation? Do I just turn around and go home? Why am I in this new state alone not knowing anyone but my dogs? I made it to the hospital and was constantly looking over my shoulder and trying to be very aware of my surroundings. When I got into the auditorium I noticed some people huddled around a television. I joined and got my first glimpse as to what was happening. I went to the payphones and called Jeff on his cell phone. He answered and had no idea of anything happening. He was down in a bunker or something underground. I told him to go to a television. Just to hear his voice and know he was safe was calming. I then called my mom back in Ohio. I was worried about anyone from the company that may have been traveling. I found that my brother and dad were not on any airplanes.

Soon they started orientation. We were all sitting in our seats when the teachers came in. The woman started in a very shaky voice and recapped to us what was going on. She then said that we were in lock down. Lock Down. I just was so scared. Again I am here in a foreign state ALONE I knowing no one. I have no family, boyfriend, and friends. She explained what lockdown would mean for us. We were going on with Orientation. She asked if anyone had any questions and one brave man raised his hand and asked the question we were all thinking. “Why are you keeping us here in lockdown?” “Why don’t we just go home?” Her explanation was that everything thus far had happened on the east coast. And if something were to happen on the west coast mainly Seattle we would be the first to help out. I am all for helping out, but we also have no idea where anything is as far as IV’s, meds, gauze, linens, and other supplies. I guess these are the things that we would have learned really fast. Thankfully it never came to the point where we would be needed had an emergency occurred.

After orientation ended for the day I was completely drained emotionally. When I got home that night I was in front of the television just trying to process all of the events of the day. Seeing people walking around with photos of their loved ones was heart wrenching and something I will never forget.

It has almost been seven years now since this tragic day. September 11th 2001 was a turning point in my life. I will never understand how there are people who think that they have the right to take so many lives. I will never understand why people hate innocent Americans to the point of blowing up airplanes. I will never understand why seven years later we are still at war. I will never understand how it must have felt to feel that there was no other option than to jump out of a burning building or to be told to return to an office and you would be safe. My heart aches for the spouses, children, brothers, sisters, co-workers, and friends that were lost that day. At the same time my heart feels joy when I hear of the stories of everyday people being so brave. (Firefighters, police officers, EMT, and innocent airplane travelers)

There was an amazing sense of pride to be an American. It came through with seeing the American flag on every home you passed, on the highway when driving down the road, on magnetic ribbons displayed on cars. I wish that this sense of patriotism was still so deep-rooted today.

I want to thank ALL of the military men and women who have sacrificed their lives and families to defend our country. My brother-in-law just returned after fighting for our freedom. Thank You David! We are so glad that you are home safe and sound.

September 11th ended up changing me in many ways. In my next post I will talk about how I changed and why we moved back to Ohio.

I admit it.. I FAILED!

After unpacking and moving in, I had some things to do now that I was living in a new state. The biggest was to study. I had a job lined up at Harborview Medical Center starting in September. First I had to pass the NCLEX. I spent the majority of my time studying for the biggest test of my life. The test is required to get my nursing license.

Although I did pass the NCLEX exam on the first and only attempt I should have studied a bit harder for my driver’s license test. In Washington a computer test is given to get a driver’s license. I guess I was expecting to walk in and just get a new license with a new picture and new address. I learned fast that this was not the case. This was rather funny though and we did get a laugh out of the fact that I did not get my driver’s license on the first attempt. I did get the license on the second try! Thank God for that.

The summer went by pretty fast. Jeff and I took a trip to Chicago in July. We went to a wedding. Jeff was a groomsman. The wedding was absolutely gorgeous. No detail went unnoticed. We had a great time.

We also met my parents out in Wyoming. Remember that dude ranch… Well we had an opportunity to stay at the dude ranch. I was really excited to get out to the mountains again. Every day was filled with riding horses. I fell in love with Jeff’s horse. Benny! This was the last hurrah for us before I started my job in September and began my life as a working RN.

Moving Out

6-18-2001
I am beginning a new chapter in my life. I am finally a college graduate and now have more independence and am about to really start my life. Beginning a career, moving to a new state across the country, and deepening my relationship with Jeff.

We left the buckeye state in the morning hours on June 18th. We said a last goodbye to my parents and then Jeff, Mariah, Morgan, and I got into the Cherokee to being our long road trip with the u-haul hitched to the back of the jeep.

We were heading west towards Chicago. I remember that we did not plan this part of the trip very well. We got stuck in downtown Chicago traffic. We finally got on the road again going faster than 5 miles and bumper to bumper traffic as we were heading towards Madison, Wisconsin. Jeff and I did not have a time limit for the trip and were not really in a rush to drive as fast as we could to Washington. We did however want to spend some time at Yellowstone and see Mount Rushmore. So we did travel faster through some of the Midwest states. As we got farther into the night we were in Minnesota when some excitement on our trip occurred. It was the middle of summer and we had beautiful weather on our trip thus far. When we were in Minnesota it did start to rain pretty heavily and Jeff noticed that there was a fast drop in the temperature. Soon the thunder, lightning, and wind started. It was a bit scary not knowing where you were, not having a GPS to tell you where a hotel might be, and dragging a u-haul behind you. We found a local am radio station and were listening to interruptions in the broadcast from the emergency broadcast systems warning of us of tornados. Again not knowing where we were in relation to the cities they were talking about that the funnel clouds had been located was a bit nerve wracking. We did however find a truck stop and pulled over for the night. After traveling all day I was not excited about getting a few hours of sleep in the back of a Jeep with two dogs and no room to really sleep. I was worried about catching a few zzzzz’s in the service plaza and stayed up for the most part just to make sure no one was looking in through the windows. I was in the driver’s seat before Jeff woke up and decided to let him sleep while I took off down the road.

Day two started with us waking up in Minnesota and driving all the way to the Black Hills of South Dakota. I had Jeff promise me that tonight we would find a hotel and get a good night sleep. I never realized how tired you get when you drive! We were exhausted. When we got to our stopping area it was in the late afternoon. We got dinner and we were in bed and fast asleep by 8:00pm.

Day three started at Mount Rushmore. I had never been there before. It was neat to see. We spent about an hour there before getting back into the Jeep and taking off. We traveled from South Dakota to Cody, Wyoming. My aunt had given me a list of hotels that accept pets. So as we were finding our various stopping places I would call and make reservations for the night. When we decided that Cody would be our stopping point we soon found that our plan was not meant to be. There was a rodeo in Cody. All of the hotels had no vacancy for the night. We were a bit discouraged so we had no choice but to head on. We did not want to continue to late into the night, because of traveling through the mountains. We did end up finding a place called the Goff Creek Lodge. This Lodge is stunning!!! The hospitality was amazing and we were a total surprise to them when we called and needed a room for the night. We were sad that we did not have time to just hang out and experience all that nature has to give at this Lodge. Morgan got a nice surprise when we did wake up. There was a little puppy outside our door that she played with before it was time to head out.

Day 4 started around Cody and we went to Yellowstone. I LOVED it. The mountains, the wildlife, the scenery, the views, the feeling of being in a place that is so perfect is amazing. I also saw old faithful, bison, elk, the Tetons. It was something that I will never forget. We spent most of the day at Yellowstone and ended up in Jackson Hole, Wyoming for the night. My parents go to Jackson Hole every summer to spend time on a dude ranch. I finally got why they go when I was out there. Never having had experienced the beauty of the mountains and nature like that before I was always wondering what the big deal was about the dude ranch and this place that they would travel to. Now I got it!

Jackson is a lovely city and we had fun in the shops before getting back into the car. Jeff and I got determined now that it was Seattle or bust. We got in the car and drove, and drove, and drove, and drove. We got into Seattle sometime around 2 am. I have never been so slap happy, tired, exhausted and unable to keep my eyes open before. Jeff and I were singing to each other and talking about the stupidest things to keep each other up the last hour of the trip. When we got to the apartment we went diving into the bed.

The next day once the sun was up I was up. This is not a common occurrence for me. I felt the need to get the u-haul unpacked. Morgan and Mariah did super the whole trip. Jeff and I grew closer just being in a car that long together and not having anything else to do, but talk to each other about anything and everything.

Things I will never forget about the trip:
Gary, Indiana
Listening to Billy Joel (I’m moving out) over and over
Eating pizza hut pizza outside of the jeep as we looked at the mountains
The amazing beautiful breathtaking scenery
The almost tornado
Almost running out of gas
Jeff and Morgan bonding (Morgan a lab jumping in the front seat to sit on Jeff’s lap every chance she got!)

A new puppy

Morgan (2001)
Sometimes I do things spontaneously. After a conversation with Jeff who is a runner he was talking about having a dog. A big dog and one that he could take on runs with him. I am a VERY big dog lover. After my grandpa passed away (he also was the biggest dog lover I had known) I decided to buy another dog. Jeff was in Seattle and I went on my own to a place that has all sorts of fun pet merchandise as well as some puppies. In the cage was a black lab. I asked to see her. She was so fun and full of life. It was love at first sight. When I put her down to let her run she reminded me of Simba from The Lion King. She was adorable and so full of personality and life. I named this little puppy Morgan and she came home with me.

I talked to Jeff on the phone about what I had purchased for him and us as a new companion of him when he would run. He was NOT thrilled to say the least. He even asked me to return her. That was not an option because I was already in love. Jeff and I never have been a couple that would get in arguments or fight, but he was not really happy with me. His concern was our drive to Seattle with a puppy and the fact that she would be a big dog in an apartment.

In the end Morgan stayed. I will never forget the first time Jeff and Morgan met. She took instantly to him. He was a little hard on her at first trying to get her to sit and learn his commands. He ended up falling for her and they became instant pals.