Photo Story Friday & A lesson learned for mom!

As I stated to earlier I was out of commission for a few weeks with two very different ailments. When I got to the point that I felt better and just could not lie in bed any longer or sit on the couch for another second I decided it was time for some major spring cleaning in the home!! I started with every room in the house. Finding things for a garage sale, Goodwill, EBay, or just plain the trash can. I reorganized drawers, closets, and cabinets. I also started using the internet to buy things for upcoming showers, babies, and Weddings.
One day a box came from something I had purchased. It was a big box and along with what I had bought the box was filled to the rim with packing peanuts. So I had asked the kids to come pick up the peanuts that may fall on the floor when I lifted out the contents. They did and then asked to play in this big box with the peanuts. At first I was like “no way”. I have been cleaning and that is the last mess that I want to clean up right now. After the kids begged and begged I realized what was the harm? Why was I being so resistant? Then I began to think of their fun playing and not worrying about my time having to clean up the mess.

This was a great lesson for me to just relax and go with the flow. To think about the small joy a box of packing peanuts would bring and not of the mess they would make. Enjoy the photos.

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Splash Award

Splash Award is an award given to alluring, amusing, bewitching, impressive and inspiring blogs.

Bella nominated me for my first blog award! How exciting is that? I am so excited although I am late in weeks by accepting it. Thanks so much!!

Here are the rules:

The Rules:

1) Put the logo on your blog/post.

2) Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.

3) Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4) Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.

5) Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award.

Blogs I am nominating are:

Angie at 7 Clown circus~ She is an inspiration for me as well as amusing

McMommy at McMommy Chronicles~ Always am finding a laugh when I go to this blog. A really neat style of writing also

MammaGeek at What Works for us~ Need inspiration? Go here and view her photos and stories.

Suz at Steece's Pieces~ This girl gives me inspiration every time I read her blog. She has the cutest quads and such a positive outlook which I need.

Laura at the view from our house~ I am telling you all that I think somehow Laura and I are related. She does not know this, but we have so much in common that at times it is scary!! Great place for mom stories, inspiration, and cute kids.

Jennifer at My Charming Kids~

Speaking of Jennifer. If you have never been to her blog you must go. If you are Christian and a folower of God please pray. Her son Stellan is in the hospital as we speak. What an amazing mother she is. Please visit her blog and write on your blog about her son. Please pray for this baby.

Thanks again for the award.

Month of March and where I have been

It has been a month since I have blogged anything! I can’t believe how fast time flies by. Here is an update on what has been going on around our neck of the woods.
March was a hard month for me! The first weekend of March I woke up to get ready for a bridal shower. I had enough time to get in the shower and ready before my mom would be picking me up to go with her to the shower. My daily routine when I wake up is to go downstairs and get something to drink to take with me into the bathroom as I get ready. And if you really know me then you know that it is a Diet Coke that I am going after. I am not a coffee drinker and that is my wake up drink. So as I am walking down the steps I am noticing that I just don’t feel right. My ankles hurt my feet hurt my body is aching and it is painful to walk. I got my drink then went back upstairs. Again the steps were painful. I then tried taking off my wedding ring before getting into the shower and was unable to make the ring budge. I then got back into my bed. Jeff came up and I explained that I just did not feel good and that my muscles and joints were all very painful. I called my mom and ended up canceling on the shower. I then went back to bed. I slept until around 8 pm. When I got back up I walked down to see what my family was up to and try to spend time with them. It was then that we discovered that my arms, wrists, and feet were all swollen and that I had developed a rash on my arms. So we started going through our minds about a possible allergy. Had we used anything different in the home, had I eaten anything different in the past 24-36 hours? Again the answer was no. So I then took my temp and I was running a fever. To the point that I got down on the kitchen floor and felt better on the cool tiles. Jeff was then worried as I was. We called and made arrangements for the kids and he took me into the ER.

Once we arrived to the ER. I had blood tests drawn as well as and IV. I also had a spinal tap performed on my back. I was given pain meds that were helpful. It seemed strange to us all. At the ER we also spotted that the rash was now all over my butt, legs, and trunk. Long story short we went home with the diagnosis of this is a virus. I then worried about the kids and if they could get it and the answer was no.

I was just downloading photos and forgot that the kids brought me all their stuffed animals when I was in bed and then Gabby took some photos. So these photos are by a 3 year old that I did not know was taking pictures at the time. Jeff is trying to get my wedding band off in one pic.


The swelling on my arms and fingers was very uncomfortable and at times very painful. Never have I experienced something like this before. This was on a Saturday and the swelling was finally down and manageable o the point that on Wednesday I finally got my wedding band off, and was able to see bones in my hands again as well as put my other hands fingers around the opposite wrist.

So I start to feel better and am at the point of being so sick of lying in bed and resting. I was up in Gabby’s room one day a few days later and was on the phone and making her bed when I bent over the wrong way I guess and when I stood back up I noticed and felt something strange in my back.

This was my next ailment. This was so painful and I began worrying about disks in my back and if I did something to a disk. I then was back at the doctor’s office and was told that the muscles in my back were spasming. So I was given pain meds and muscle relaxers. I felt better a few days later with the muscle relaxers. I am to the point now that if I sit for a period of time my back will really hurt. It is still hurting but not to the degree that it was. It was a 10 and now I am about a 4. So I am still having problems.

After a week and a half of the back issue and pain and medications I was again so over being in bed and lying low. I then got into a big spring cleaning mode and have been cleaning out drawers, closets, and cupboards. We have been putting a ton of stuff away for a garage sale and also Jeff has been out of town the past few weeks. So now the month of March is over and I am ready for April and to hopefully be over the health issues.

… And back to blogging on a regular basis.

Favorite things swap!!

***First off I apologize that I am late in blogging about my participation in the Mamarazzis favorite things Swap! I have been in bed primarily for the past 4 days with some weird virus… if that is even what this is that is ailing me.***

I signed up to be in my first swap ever and am so glad that I did. There was some confusion in the beginning being that I was in Florida and we were having email problems, but it all worked out and I was matched up with Steph over at And then there were 6. Steph and I have lots in common and it made this very easy!

My package arrived on Friday and the following are pictures of what all the goodies were inside.





All the goodies still in the box and wrapped up!



A note from Steph and everything out of the box.
Everything unwrapped. I am so excited to plant the flowers in Sam and Syd's garden.

Nail polish that Gabrielle was so excited about and we already painted her nails. Chocolate and brownie mix. YUM! I had to laugh at the Burt's Bee. Jeff loves and swears by the stuff. A great movie that I am excited to see again.

Thanks Steph! I love it all and it was fun to get mail from you. Actually fun to get GOOD, GREAT, EXCELLENT mail from you. :)

Photo Story Friday~ Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique~

As many of you know when we went to Sanibel Island on vacation we also took a side trip to Disney. Orlando is about a 3 hour trip from Sanibel. We had an amazing time in Disney, although it never seems like enough time. Our trip to Florida was not really planned nor was a trip to Disney. (Meaning this was not a trip planned out months in advanced) My dad has a condo in Florida and he is also a Florida resident. I think sometimes he gets bored alone in Florida so he called me in January asking if the kids and I would want to go to Sanibel for a trip. Of course I jumped on the invitation and then decided since we were in Florida and the kids are at such great ages that a trip to Disney would be a wonderful idea!
Little Miss Gabrielle is three and a half. She loves everything dress up and princess. So when I was on the Disney website in late January making arrangements for a character dinner and came across the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique it seemed like a no brainer to me. What is this boutique? I am glad you asked. It is an amazing, creative, and fun experience for any little princess.
Below is copied from the website:
It's hard not to feel as happy as a princess in this charming little boutique, owned by Cinderella's Fairy Godmother and operated by Fairy Godmothers-in-training. The boutique offers multiple hair styles, nail color, make-up and a total package including Disney Princess costume and photographs.
Girls 3 years old and above can choose from 3 hair styles — Fairytale Princess, Disney Diva and Pop Princess — in 3 available packages:
• Coach Package includes hairstyling and shimmering makeup
• Crown Package includes hairstyling, shimmering makeup and nails
• Castle Package includes the Crown Package plus the Imaging Package (one 6" x 8" and four 4" x 6" photos in a princess-themed photo holder) and complete costume of your choice with accessories

I was so excited to do this for Gabrielle. This is how our princess experience went. We surprised Gabby and went to our appointment after lunch. After signing in the princess to be goes and chooses her gown and princess to become. Gabby chose Sleeping Beauty due to the fact that the dress is pink and so are the shoes! (Love that girl and her devotion to the color pink!!) She then goes back into the princess dressing room and puts on her princess dress. Then she sits in the princess salon chair. Because Gabby has short hair they made a very small pony tail at the top of her head giving her a “Pebbles” look. From there they used a head piece to create a bun and extensions of hair. She gets her nails painted as well as makeup put on her face. This all takes place by the Fairy Godmothers and the whole time she is called “Princess Gabrielle”.
ADORABLE!!! This was so much fun. Gabrielle LOVED it! It was so precious and I am just so happy that we were able to do this for her and at three years old when Disney is a magical place she could feel like a princess. I only wish they had this stuff when I was a kid!!














Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Wordful Wednesday~ Siblings

Lately these two have learned how to push each others buttons. For example, Joey has decided that he does not like to be called “Joe Joe” and since little sister knows this she will call him “Joe Joe” at just the right times to force a whining and crying reaction out of her big brother. To get her back he will then call her “G G” (Gabrielle Grace) this will then upset little sister. So this will go on back and forth until mom steps in and asks them both to knock it off.

But at the end of the day, we are brother and sister and we love each other very much!

Head on over to 7 clown Circus.. Sorry Angie I am having problems making the button show up and not cryptic text.

Our trip to Sanibel Island, Florida

We are back from a wonderful trip to Sanibel! Joey, Gabrielle, and I spent nine days with my dad in Sanibel before Jeff joined us. Before Jeff joined us here is a list of some things we did:
*Swam in the pool
*Taught Joey how to swim without floaties! This was a big deal and after he got up the confidence he was so proud of himself and now LOVES to swim
*Walked the beach
*Made sand castles
*The kids were burying me feet in the sand one day as I watched 2 dolphins feed in the ocean
*Went to Ding Darling
*Ate at some wonderful places! We loved Grandma Dots and Island Pizza
*Shopped on Periwinkle

When Jeff joined us we spent time one day on Captiva and took a dolphin cruise. We also got alone time one night and went to see the movie “he’s just not that in to you”. On Wednesday I will be showing pictures from Disney! I am so excited for Wordful Wednesday this week. The best parts of our trip have to be spending time Papa, seeing Joey swim, and getting away from Ohio and the cold temperatures. Tomorrow it will be a high of 16 degrees F and I just can’t wait! (ß Kidding!) Now some photos from our trip…


Attempt at a family picture

My handsome little boy

Beautiful girl in her bathing suit

Mommy, Joey, & Gab... I got a little too much sun one day. Ended up getting sun poisoning on my chest.

Joey & Gab at Ding Darling

Joey swimming with Papa with no flotation assistance

Siblings!

5 years ago today

~5 years ago today I dropped Joey off to stay with nana while I went to the doctors
~5 years ago today I walked into the hospital for my regular periantologist appointment alone
~5 years ago today I sat in a waiting room thinking my little girls were going to be just fine
~5 years ago today when I went into that appointment I was ready to start talking about going inpatient
~5 years ago today I peed in a cup per the nurse’s request
~5 years ago today I had my blood pressure taken and was weighed
~5 years ago today my nurse was listening for heart beats using the Doppler when she replied “your babies are so active, lucky you you get to have an ultrasound”
~5 years ago today the words that the nurse spoke never leave my mind
~5 years ago today that ultrasound showed the worst thing imaginable
~5 years ago today I learned that my precious identical twin daughters Samantha and Sydney had died in the womb
~5 years ago today I had the worst day of my life
~5 years ago today after my appointment I walked into a gas station with a big swollen 20 week + pregnant belly (Plus extra big belly from just giving birth to Joey 6 months prior to Joey) and bought a pack of cigarettes with tears streaming down my face
~5 years ago today I bought that pack of cigarettes and the man behind the counter looked at me like I was nuts and I looked at him and replied “It doesn’t matter they died”
~5 years ago today Jeff met me at my mom’s and we cried
~5 years ago today I was scared, naive, and in a state of shock that I was not thinking clearly on how to deal with this situation
~5 years ago today I went back to the hospital to start the induction process
~5 years ago today I was in the hospital making little progress (per doctors and nurses assessments) when I felt the need to push and gave birth to my little babies with a nurse, anesthesiologist and Jeff present
~5 years ago today I watched as my water never broke and suddenly I pushed one push and a sac broke on my bed and 2 tiny babies lied at my feet tangled in cords
~5 years ago today I was rushed for a D&C
~5 years ago today I learned that I am not in control
~5 years ago today I learned that pregnancy is a scary thing
~5 years ago today I learned that there are no guarantees
~5 years ago today I held 2 of the most beautiful babies in my arms
~5 years ago today I felt lost
~5 years ago today I felt like I would not be able to live with this kind of loss
~5 years ago today I wanted to die and be with my girls
~5 years ago today part of me died with my daughters
~5 years ago today I learned that I could love 2 babies for a lifetime, yet these were 2 babies I had never met
~5 years ago today I made mistakes in not demanding to see my babies, take photos of them and the importance for me in that part of the healing process
~5 years ago today I felt like a failure for not giving my husband the opportunity to be a dad to his little girls
~5 years ago today was the worst day of my life!!

Samantha and Sydney, my wish is that on this your 5th birthday you are having a beautiful time in Heaven. I imagine you with long hair and dancing. I LOVE you both more than words can express. I miss you terribly and wish I could see you smile, hear you laugh, and see how you would interact with one another. Would you have a twin bond? There are so many things I wonder about the two of you and I do look forward to the day I can hold you both in my arms forever.

Below is a letter that your daddy wrote. I posted mine a few days earlier. Happy Birthday! As we do every year we will be singing happy birthday to you tonight. I hope that you know we will never forget and we love you!

Mommy

Dear Samantha and Sydney,

I can’t believe that it’s been five years since you were born. In many ways, I try to put that painful day out of my mind – it’s just my way of coping with the loss. Actually, when your mom suggested I write this letter, I could tell by my inappropriate response (slightly angry) that this had stirred up some deep emotions that still have not totally settled. And then, the more I thought about it, writing this letter was a great idea. Oh, your mom is a wonderful lady. God knew what he was doing when He brought us together. We’re perfect for each other! She loves you very much! She may not admit to it, but one of the reasons she’s such a wonderful mom is because of these fantastic ideas she comes up with to express her love for you. She always amazes me with her ideas, and this is certainly another one of her brilliant ideas!

Before I continue rambling, I want you both to know something; not a day passes that I don’t think about you. I mostly think about what is going to be like when your mom and I finally meet you in heaven. I often think about what it would be like if you wouldn’t have died. There are days that I look into your brother and sister’s eyes and I ponder what your own unique personalities, talents, and skills God has given you; would you sing and dance with your sister Gabby, or would you play hide-and-seek with Joey? Would you let me paint your fingernails? I wonder how much more laughter would fill our house if you were here with us. I wonder how much more singing, or dancing would fill our home. I wonder if you would wrestle with me. I wonder if you would surprise me with special hugs and kisses when I come home from work.

I initially struggled with whether to write one letter or two, but then I realized that just writing this letter was a great step forward in the healing process. I also think about what it’s like for you in heaven; can you see us? Do you talk with Jesus? Are there angels watching over us now? How old are you in heaven? The older I get, the more I think about heaven, and the more questions I have for the Lord. I know your mom wants to now why He let you both die. And honestly, I’m not sure if we did have the answers that it would change anything. In my heart, I know that God is good and His purpose always works out for the best in His children’s lives. Nothing changes the fact that I’ll never get a chance to experience all of the special times that a daddy should have with his daughters. I must rest with the knowledge that you are with God. And someday Jesus is coming back to make this place the way it ought to be. So until the Lord calls me home or Jesus returns, I am going to love your Mom, brother, and sister. I’m going to be the best husband and father to them. And someday, when I make it home, I’m looking forward to the biggest homecoming ever!

Sam and Syd, I wish you both a Happy Birthday! I’m hoping the Lord has you adorned in the most beautiful white dresses imaginable.

All my love, Dad

Valentine's Day... 5 years ago

The dates in February are the same that they were 5 years ago. 5 years ago today on Valentine’s Day we had dinner out with my family. After dinner we went back to my mom and dad’s house for dessert. When we were at my parent’s house I had my calendar out and was starting to schedule and pencil in where my immediate family would be in the coming weeks and month. We were 4 short weeks. 4 weeks from going inpatient. Seemed so close, but not close enough.

Sam & Syd

Dear Samantha and Sydney~
I want to wish you both a very Happy 5th Birthday. As I sit here to write this letter I am in awe how fast 5 years have flown by and how some memories never fade, yet at the same time how my memory can forget things that happened last week.
There are millions of things that I want to say, experience, and share with the both of you. As your mom I hope that you know that a day does not pass that I do not think of the two of you and miss you, feel cheated, feel guilty, or wish that this was a horrible dream that I would wake up from. It is hard to think of you both as the separate individuals that you are as opposed to you both as one person. I have to remind myself that I did not get cheated out of one life, but two lives. Two babies, two people, two daughters, two sisters, two grandchildren that deserved to make their mark on this world. I had many dreams for you both while you were alive and well playing patty cake in the womb. I was most looking forward to the people that you would become and how you would interact with your not so much older brother and with each other.

5 years old. You both would be in preschool right now at New Hope with Joey and Gabs. You would probably share a bedroom and if you were anything like your younger sister you would be into playing dress up, dancing, singing, and terrorizing Max. If you were like your brother you would be into playing with Star Wars toys, playing the Wii, coloring, and soon be learning how to read. In the fall you would start your first year at Valley Christian in kindergarten and in just a few days you would be with mommy and Papa at the beach playing in the sand and swimming.

So cheated yes, we have been cheated. I do look forward to the day that I hold you in my arms and can love you and squeeze you. I want you both to know that we miss you terribly. That I will never forget you, and that you will always be loved, missed, and cherished by me. I will continue to keep you alive in my mind, body, and soul and to make sure that your siblings know that our family is not complete until the 6 of us are all reunited again in Heaven.

With many hugs, kisses, and LOVE,

Mommy

XOOOXOXO

P.S~ I hate that we have not been out to see you in so long. Reason number 10, 895 that I HATE that this happened, is because it is so COLD in February. That is why we feel close to you every time we look out our windows and see the statues in the garden. It makes me feel like you are always here.

~A Pair of Shoes~ 11 days away from our 5 Year Anniversary~

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown.

Baby Fix Gabrielle Grace... Part II

I know it is not her Birthday, but I am needing a baby fix in a big way!!! It is true though that once I let my mind remember the three high risk pregnancies, the many trips and admits to the ER/hospital, the loss of my sweet girls, and then the colic and post partum depression that I know that the decision for Jeff to have a vasectomy was the right one, but still... I miss babies. So now instead of a baby this is what is going on now with my BIG GIRL no longer a BABY. Even though she is my BABY she is just not a BABY. :(

Now instead of diapers, bottles, and making crafts out of her hand and footprints my BIG GIRL can now do this..

...and just like typical Gabrielle fashion she did this on her own on her terms. We have been working with her on writing her name. Either we would get two responses (1) "no, I don't want to" (2) She attempts for 5 seconds but really wants to not do this for mom, but will do for her Pre K teachers. Then this past weekend she wanted to color and she said "mom look" and I am so PROUD!!! We knew she could, it is just everything is on her terms!

And instead of conversations of singing to a baby or trying to quiet my youngest little girl with her constant colic and crying we now have conversations like this:

Not too long ago I was in the bathroom. In typical fashion someone ALWAYS walks in unannounced... this time it was Gabby. I was having my monthly visit from aunt flo and attempting to change Tampons. Gabrielle says "mom, what is that"? "A tampon" I reply and then as I open the new one she looks at it out of its package and says "Wow, that is pretty"! In a VERY excited voice. HMMM I had to think about that. A tampon as pretty. Functional or great invention are words I would use not PRETTY.

Gabrielle Grace I LOVE you and I AM SO PROUD of you. I love to listen to you sing, watch you dance and play dress up. You amaze me with your memory and I am so BLESSED beyond belief to be your mommy.

I LOVE YOU!!! XXOXOX

Just Need a Baby Fix~ Gabrielle Grace~

She was the "cheesiest"thing I had ever seen!!! Minutes after birth

With mommy day 2 of life

... And then the real Gabrielle came forward and the colic began. It is then that I get my "baby fix" and remember the other reasons why we are done!

To be continued...

I have been reading so many new blogs and came across this tonight! It looks like fun and I would love to get more involved with other blogging moms/bloggers. So this is my first time participating in a swap and you can too!! Go check it out. We may swap with each other.

A Whole Evening Alone!

For Christmas my sister gave Jeff and I 2 gift cards. 1 to the Cheesecake Factory and the other to Regal Cinemas. There was also a nice note in the gift stating that she would babysit so Jeff and I could have a date night! Great gift right?!

I was surprised to wake up yesterday and hear that arrangements were made and after 4:00 pm Jeff and I had the whole evening to ourselves. The kids were even spending the night with family.... WOW, this does not happen often that Jeff and I come home to a house with just the 2 of us.

So we went here:

and then here

and it was a great movie that I highly recommend!

Tuesday

There are no words.... Please pray for this family. You can click on the button below to read all about Tuesday.