Giving it to God

I realize that lately my blog has taken a turn, one of pain, grief, and sadness. I appreciate the comments that have been left for me on the passing of Samantha and Sydney. In some ways I feel stuck. I brought the pain out of the place that it has been hiding the past 4 years and here it is again. I don’t want my blog to be a place that people avoid coming to. I realize that this is something I started for my children Joey, Samantha, Sydney, and Gabrielle and I felt that the best way for them to learn more about me and my pregnancies was for me to write it out. So I went to the very beginning where I met Jeff and how our journey started. Now here I am with 2 pregnancies down and one more to get through. Gabrielle’s pregnancy was no picnic.
The past few days I have been sad, quiet, and withdrawn from my family and kids. Joey was at summer camp today and I spent a great deal of time on the computer. I came across a blog and I don’t even know how I found it. I was searching for blog makeovers at the time that I found it. I don’t think it was an accident that I came across this blog. I think that now I find myself minimizing the deaths of my daughters which I don’t want to sound like it doesn’t matter because it does. I found this blog and I am amazed by Angie. (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html) I love the way that she can put her words down on paper and it sounds so real, I feel like I am there talking to her, and I feel her pain. Not only has her family lost her precious daughter they recently lost a nephew. I think about the grandparents that in not even 6 months have lost TWO precious grandchildren. I just will never understand. It makes me so mad to know that this happens and that there is such pain out there. Is it worse to have a baby/babies die at 20 weeks than it is to have them die at 34+ weeks? I sometimes am grateful that if it had to happen that it happened before I felt every kick, new every position the babies hung out in, saw more pictures on an ultrasound screen, felt the baby (s) have hiccups in my womb. It was a horrible thing that happened, but maybe I did find a positive in this experience. Maybe it was better to let this happen at 20 weeks as opposed to 34+ weeks. I am so envious of Angie and her pictures. She has some beautiful pictures of her daughter with her and her family. Then I am angry that she had time to think it through and plan to have photographs taken professional ones even. I am so happy for her that she has those treasures to look at whenever she misses Audrey.
I want to be able to write like Angie or like Will Piper and have my words come across like they have the talent to do. There are others out there that can write so beautifully also I just am naming these two because as of late they have touched my heart.
Four years I have walked around with this pain and I thought I let it go. Four years I have been so angry, mad, and in some ways withdrawn. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to be closer to God and give him my grief. I want him to give me the answers that I seek, but most of all I wish that I could go back and do it all differently. I don’t think anyone can really understand how much of an impact not having pictures of Samantha and Sydney has hurt me. I have no memory as to what they look like. I have nothing to give to an artist to have a drawing done. I have nothing to hold to feel closer to them and make them more real. I have nothing to look at to see without blurry eyes that are wet from tears to see if they have eyes like Joey or a nose like Gabrielle. I wish so bad I could turn back the clock. Death is final and there is nothing you can do to change it. That is a hard lesson to face. Damn those nurses and the staff for not making a terrible situation one that I could look back at and be grateful that I had something left to hold onto.
GOD TAKE THIS PAIN AND ANGER! IT IS YOURS TO HAVE!

Trying to live with pain

Being a nurse one of my responsibilities is teaching. Nurses all over the country teach patients and families a myriad of things. Some examples are post operative care, how to care for a wound, sterile technique and when to apply this, what different sounds and beeps mean on equipment that is being used, medication doses, side effects of medication, safety while in the hospital, diets and the list goes on and on. I feel like it is a good opportunity now to do some teaching on how to talk to family members, friends, and just people one may run into in daily life when the topic is stillbirth or miscarriage.

Over the past 4 years I have had a great deal of time to think and reflect about the loss of my girls. I feel like there is a BIG difference on the levels of grief in death. For example when the death comes as a surprise such as a stillbirth, car accident, accident in general, or take the Americans lost on 9-11-01. This is a shock. This type of death is totally not expected and hopes and dreams come to an end very fast. As far as my girls we were planning, expecting two babies in our near future, and had dreams for both of our girls. Now compare this to a death that you know is impending. I am not saying that this type of death is not sad or no one cares, I am just saying you have had time to process it, say goodbye, and plan. When my grandpa was in hospice we knew what lied ahead. We had many chances to talk to him, tell him how much we love him, and to say goodbye. I think one of the hardest things with an unexpected death is not being able to say goodbye as well as being in such shock and a state of confusion that you are just going through the motions.

I studied Kubler-Ross and the stages of grief when I was in college. This was the first time I took another look at the stages of grief and applied them to myself. It is true that you do not go through the stages in order. It is also common to go from depression and then to anger and then to depression again. I don’t think I still have really hit acceptance. I accept it up to a point, but not fully.

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I did not do much bargaining, but I hold a great deal of anger. There are days that I do think to myself “was that all a dream”? “Did that really happen to us”?
My girls were born on February 17th 2002. The following week Jeff was already back on the road traveling. Comments were made to him that this would “be good for him.” I don’t know how much he really grieved, but he has a very close relationship with the lord and that helped him during these times. For me a great deal of my anger was directed towards God. I also would find that I would be upset and crying and could not figure out how Jeff was able to walk around the house singing and walking around with a smile on his face. There were even times he would look at me and say “what is wrong.” I thought you have got to be kidding me. How could you ask me what is wrong. What do you think is wrong?

As February rolled into March Joey and I drove down to South Carolina with Jeff when he was on a business trip. We went and saw some family members. While we were there I felt uncomfortable and also at times like I just wanted to go hide somewhere. I was still overweight, had acne on my face, and overall not feeling good about my body image. A comment was made to me and it went something like this, “God didn’t want to give you more than you could handle.” “He knows that you are busy with Joey and he didn’t want to add to it.” I don’t think that people realize what they are saying. When you are grieving you tend to search for answers. Maybe the answer will come in a conversation, maybe a book, maybe God will whisper it in your ear, and maybe a movie will make it all click. For me it was thinking it would come in the form of a conversation. I listened to what people said and I went over and over it in my mind. So now that I processed this statement these are the questions I came up with.

1. Why can some people have twins, triplets, quads, etc. and are able to handle it?
2. Why can other people have twins with siblings and can handle it?
3. Why would God take my babies?
4. What did I do to prove to God that I could not handle it?

I know that this was probably not intended to hurt me, but it did. BAD
The spring and summer came and I began going to a group at the Children’s hospital. The group is called Precious Parents. As I went to this group I felt like I was making little to no progress. I felt like we were all focusing on doctors (who I was not blaming), what hospital we delivered, and that we were all stuck in grief. I guess I was looking at one of these “veterans” in this horrible reality of loss and thinking that they would have the answer as to how to get unstuck and kind of on with life in a way. I was looking at we need to do something, make something, plan a walk, just something. They talked about a walk and it was obvious that these “veterans” were into being in charge. Nothing ever took place. I was sad because I would have loved to have walked for Samantha and Sydney and raised money to a good organization. Maybe March of Dimes anything to feel like I was saying I care and I want to help this stop.
Going to the grocery store and out to public also now proved to be a difficult task. The first time I was out with Joey and asked “how many children do you have”? I replied “one”. I then went to the car and cried feeling like I just lied, feeling like I just betrayed Samantha and Sydney, feeling like Sam and Syd were up in heaven looking down and thinking “she forgot about us already”. I don’t think people realize the amount of pain and guilt I felt. I was damned if I do tell them then I have to explain and wait for that silence that follows. Making the person uncomfortable. All they would have to say is I am sorry to hear that, but some stupid remark normally followed. Then I was damned if I don’t by the guilt I felt and the feelings of being a bad mommy by my two precious girls.

Once I was on my way to pick up dry cleaning and a mother was getting out of her car with twin girls. I sat in the car with tears rolling down my face. I was for some reason now seeing twins everywhere I went.

As the moths started rolling by there were a few things I was noticing about myself. One was that I would not go out in public very often. I started becoming a home body and felt safer in the walls of my home than anywhere else. If I got urges to do something for myself like work on losing weight it always became another negative outcome. I went to the gym one night and put Joey into the daycare. When the step aerobics class was over I went to pickup Joey. He was the only child in the nursery. When I asked how he was the reply was “very good” and then the lady said “when are you due.” I did not think she was talking to me. I seriously did a turn around to look for someone behind me. Then it hit me. This lady thought I was pregnant. I told her that I lost two babies to stillbirth and her reply was something like “I once knew a person…” That is all I remember. All I was thinking was I should be a mom again by now to two more. Again I left with tears streaming down my face. Poor Joey. I am glad that he was so young he does not remember all the sadness and all the tears that fell from my eyes. I tried my best to be a good mommy, but at the same time the guilt would eat at me like I was forgetting two others.
We had friends that we would hang out with (two different couples) no longer keep in touch. So yes even in this horrible process and when you need friends the most some can’t handle it or are too uncomfortable so instead of being friends they move on. That is so sad to me. Especially when at a time like this you just need to know that people care. The last time the three couples were all together we were at one of the other peoples home for dinner. No one said a word about what happened for a while. I brought it up after feeling that there was so tension and uneasiness in the air. The reply by one of the other ladies was “I am glad that the elephant is out of the room now.” That was the first time I had ever heard this expression. Now when I hear it I am always reminded of that night. I remember talking to Jeff on the way home about what the comment meant and having our children referred to as pink elephants.
In the summer time Joey and I were invited to an aunt’s summer home for a week. We had a nice time. The sad thing is that this is my dad’s brother and his wife. They were never very close to my dad or mom and once I lost the twins they were calling and showing that they cared. As soon as I got pregnant a third time the calls and letters stopped. I guess they figured I was now cured. I enjoyed the time with them and just wish that my dad and his brother could become closer. (It is a long story) the reason I bring this up though is because in my kitchen is a board that has A) Samantha Marie and B) Sydney Evelyn. My aunt told me I should erase the board, because I probably made friends that come into my home uncomfortable. Well for some reason I am unable to do it.

This photo above was taken today (6-17-08) It stays! I will not erase it.

It is my house and if the names of my two girls make you uncomfortable than don’t come in my house. That board was a happy time and I don’t have many of those with the loss of the girls. At one point that board had several names on it. Boy’s names and girls names. Then we found out we were having girls and the names we chose were up on the board. My grandpa’s wife was Evelyn Marie. I never met my grandma. So the twin’s middle names became her name. The girls are buried next to my grandparents.

As summer became fall I was still searching for answers. We were talking about having another baby as well. Our arms were empty and some people that we talked to said that another baby would help with the pain of the loss. I became busy working on something that I felt hospitals may be interested in. Here is was 2004 and I had given birth to stillborns. When I left the hospital I left with a nice packet on grief. In it I was told how to talk to my child when grandpa dies, and what to do if a loved one commits suicide. In it there was nothing to help me with the loss of stillborn babies. How to grieve the loss of TWO lives. I was in the hospital about to give birth to TWO stillborn babies and in the room I had no pen, no paper, and no contact information as far as cemeteries, caskets, funeral homes. I also had no ideas. I was still in shock. I was to write an obituary. If someone would have mentioned putting a poem in the paper along with what I wrote, or clothing my girls, or any ideas of putting a teddy bear in the casket. NOTHING there was nothing given to me. I actually was writing questions for my doctor that came to my mind down on the side of a newspaper that Jeff bought. So in my spare time I wrote a pamphlet of my own. This was filled with everything I wish I had had, blank spots to write ideas and thoughts, information only relating to the death of stillborns, who at that point wants information on the death of grandpa and how to tell your child? How does that pertain to the women lying in the hospital bed? I went to the hospital that I worked and talked with some of the people in charge. I showed a prototype of my work and my concerns about what they were handing out. In the end something that I thought was a great idea and one that needed to be marketed to this hospital became another smack in the face. I was told that I needed to go back to school, get my masters degree, and take classes on GRIEF. Are you kidding me? I am living it. Here is a nice pretty lady that doesn’t have a clue telling me I need more education on death and dying. The ladies that I worked with when I was on light duty with Joey’s pregnancy down in the Quality improvement department were all very supportive. They were all really into what I had done and all saw the need. As of right now the prototype is still done. It is just lying around my home. Maybe that is something to think about again in the future.?

In October I went to a conference out in Las Vegas. This is a perinatal bereavement conference. Here is the website for the one that is this year. http://www.perinatalbereavementconference.org/index.html
Again I was searching for anything. I was no longer working as a nurse, and I felt like this was really aimed towards healthcare providers. I guess I was just looking for answers and ways to get though this anywhere and way I could.

I am glad that I went to the conference and in some ways I wish Jeff was there, but in other ways I was glad that I was alone. I still was no closer in feeling “healed” or that I was “over” the loss of the girls in any way, but the tears were not coming everyday now. I was getting closer to feeling able to go out into public again also.

November Jeff was out one day washing the cars. It was a nice day for November in northeastern Ohio and I was inside facing that my period was a few days late. I took a few deep breaths and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. There was no faint line and no squinting at the stick this time.

I don’t have answers as to why Samantha and Sydney are in heaven and not in my home enjoying times with Jeff, Joey, and myself. I never will fully know or understand why this happened to us. I will never know why some people deliver mono twins and others don’t even though all claim that the cords were knotted and tangled around necks. I still don’t know why every time I went for an ultrasound and asked about the cords I was told that the cords can not been seen why I have read other mono moms say that they were able to have the blood flow of the cords checked during ultrasound. It is still all a mystery to me. What I do know is that this type of loss hurts. It hurts badly and the pain never fully goes away. Time helps heal some of the pain as well as hearing a simple I am sorry for your loss. Or I am sorry for your pain. It is during this time that all you can do is be a friend, bringing God into any sentence that comes out of your mouth is not helpful nor is it helpful for you to try to come up with your own explanation as to why this happened. Unless God or a higher power spoke to you and said “You go tell Laurie that the reason this happened was because of XYZ...” the best thing for you to do is say nothing or I am sorry.

I don't have much for Samantha and Sydney, but the few things that I do have mean a great deal. This is an ultrasound that says "baby A" and "baby B"

This is in what would have been Samantha and Sydney's bedroom. These are two shadow boxes that my cousin put together for me. In it is my bracelet from the hospital, a poem from the hospital, and their footprints. Their is an article of clothing, but neither of the girls wore these.

Bringing home our son

August 5th was a day to get to know our new son. Jeff and I bonded with him, showed him off to family members, and were taught by the nurse’s things like caring for his umbilical cord and feedings. I am about 90% sure that on the 6th of August I was discharged and Joey and I were able to go home. Upon leaving the hospital we had one very important stop to make. This was already planned in my mind that we would go to the cemetery to say hello to grandpa and show off our son. We were leaving the hospital and about to go up a hill and there Jeff and I both saw in the sky the Goodyear blimp. I of course immediately began crying. Remember in a previous post I mentioned that the Goodyear blimp pops up when we are celebrating a special day or when we are thinking of Grandpa? Well there it was flying high in the sky. We continued on the cemetery and got a few photos of Joey visiting his great grandpa. We then headed home. I have to say that there are so many books out there on conception, pregnancy, and baby care, but as soon as we got home I remember Jeff and I just looking at each other like okay now what do we do? Joey was asleep in his car seat carrier and the dogs were sure excited to see him. When I was at the hospital and after giving birth Jeff would bring home something that Joey was wrapped in or wearing so the dogs could smell the new scent. The black lab Morgan went crazy. At one point Joey was in his carrier and the carrier was on the kitchen table. Morgan jumped up and put her front paws on the table to give kisses to the new baby. It was a bit scary to see her reaction at first. She was always guarding the baby.
All in all Joey was a very good baby. He was happy and never very cranky. He was very easy to care for and we never had any issues with him. This was a blessing after the things we went through during pregnancy.
This may be a bit of a TMI, (Too much information) but this how my story goes. When I was pregnant with Joey there were things that were off limits. Not only was I on bed rest, but every time I went to the doctor or hospital they would remind us that intercourse was out of the question. Needless to say Jeff went without for 9 months. After one gives birth you know all about the 2-3 weeks of bleeding that occur before you go for your checkup that one then gets the okay to resume normal activity. So the check up came for the go ahead and resume normal activity. And as I joke now I always say Jeff was a bit too excited. In October around Joey’s first Halloween I began having feelings that I may be pregnant. This was something that I was in denial about and was not about to face so early after giving birth to Joey. I took a home pregnancy test and got a faint line. The same old line I got with Joey. So I made an appointment with my OB who I thought was going to kill me. Turns out I was pregnant!

Joseph Alex

For the most part I am a very detailed person. I like to blog facts and by helping me with the facts I like to use dates, times, months, detailed events that occurred. When I was in the process of delivering Joey my husband, Jeff wrote down all the details. The paper that he had written everything down on was thrown away by him after he found that our fourth child found the paper and was shredding it to pieces. So now I have only my memory to go by. I also have the ability to forget memories especially those memories that were not very pleasant so I am without times and this may be out of order, but it is the best I have to go by.

Sunday August 3rd 2004
This was a day filled with excitement but at the same time the minutes on the clock seemed to drag on forever. Ever hear of time standing still? This is how it felt time was moving. We knew that in the evening I would be going to the hospital to begin the induction process. We were very excited to get to the hospital and begin the journey that would produce our baby. I was so eager to finally see the face of this baby boy who had been growing inside of me, who had been kicking me, snuggling up high in my ribs, giving me scares if I was unable to feel a move, and this little baby who would be coming home with us and starting our family. This excitement was also present with the feelings of anxiety and not knowing what kind of pain would be felt to bring this baby into the world.
I don’t remember what Jeff and I did all day on this Sunday. I know that we were going to go to a movie. I don’t think we ever made it to one. We did go out for a late lunch early dinner and we were both probably thinking that this would be the last time that we sat here as a childless married couple. Our lives were about to change into something that we had never experienced before and our level of responsibility was also going to go to new heights.
When we did get to the hospital that night I was not on the labor and delivery unit. Instead I was given a private room on the antepartum floor. Once we filled out all the appropriate paper work blood was drawn, an IV was inserted, and soon the first dose of Cervidil was inserted vaginally. I was also hooked up to the fetal monitor and would not be allowed up to use the restroom. A cot was wheeled into the room for Jeff to lie on. It was probably around 10-11 pm when all of this was taking place. At the time I was having a few contractions. They were not painful nor were they very intense. I was asked if I wanted something to help me sleep and I said okay. I was given a little Benadryl in my IV. I had trouble falling asleep even after the Benadryl because of the excitement and anticipation of the unknown.
At some point we probably did get a few hours of shut eye, but as anyone knows sleeping in the hospital can be a difficult task. There is always someone coming into the room, lights, nurses talking in the halls, and the constant beeps, hums, or alarms from all the equipment that one is connected to. At 6 am I was checked vaginally and my cervix had started to soften. I was allowed to use the restroom and then the plan was that the next dose would be administered. When I got back into the bed I felt a gush and my water broke. Still being new to this I called the nurses and the fluid was tested and indeed the gush of fluid was my bag of water. At this point I knew that my risk of infection now increases. That was one thing that I remembered from my OB nursing class. The doctors then came in and continued to strip the membranes. I was no longer a candidate for the antepartum unit and was moved now to the labor and delivery floor. Once we arrived to the floor we were given an introduction to the room and my IV, fetal monitor, and call light were all hooked up or in place. Phone calls were made to the grandparents to be and Jeff and I got familiar with our new surroundings. At this point again I do not think that I was dilated very far along and now it was just a waiting game for my body to begin the necessary steps to deliver a baby. A few things that I do remember were being hot. Very HOT. The air conditioner in my room was probably set at 55 degrees maybe lower and it was never increased throughout the day. Everyone that came into the room would complain about it being cold, but to me it was just right. That is kind of funny to me because I am normally cold. My mom is in this photo with the blanket wrapped around her. The other women is Dee. She is my FIL girlfriend. She is part of the family and just like a grandma to my kids!Another side memory is drugs. Being a nurse I have administered all sorts of drugs to patients. Pain medications really do affect everyone differently. For me 2-4mg of Morphine is more than enough. Normally the Doctor’s orders will state something like 2-8mg every 2-4 hours or something close to that. So I liked to start low with my patients and then check after 30 minutes to see what their pain was like. Some patients would need more pain medication others would be like me and totally knocked out with 2 mg of pain medication. I was given some Morphine and I was out like a light. When I would wake up and hear talking or look around I would be told that my contractions were increasing and can I feel the pain and I was always like no. I was allowed up to the restroom at some point and I know my mom was in the room assisting me. We were both very alarmed when we noticed the trail of blood on the floor as I made my way to and from the toilet. I did not know that there would be bleeding associated with my water breaking. I still don’t know if this was really a normal thing. We did tell the nurse and I think that was my last trip walking before I gave birth. From there on out I was allowed to use a bedpan or a straight catheter was used.
Again not really being able to give correct times and all details of the day, there was one point when I had every Tom Dick and Harry in my room and up in my business. Joey was experiencing desats and a probe was inserted vaginally to prick his head. After having everyone in my room and a lot of commotion and talk of a possible cesarean section being heard they were soon gone. That was a terrifying event and as speedy as they came in my room scrambling around and having extreme anxiety fill the air they were gone just as quick. They never did come back into explain how the baby was doing or if a cesarean needed to be performed. I had to ask a nurse later about that. Turns out baby was doing okay and recovered from whatever occurred.
The day continued to progress and grow later and later and still little progress was made by my body. My dad left and had the gumption to walk into my room later with a pizza. Boy did it smell and look good. I had no appetite to eat, but just knowing that my favorite food (pizza) was in his hands made me annoyed that he would bring it into my room. We have a picture somewhere of him walking over to my bed talking to me with a pizza in his hands. I am unable to find that photo.
It was not until around after dinner time that things began to evolve for me. I was in more pain now and contractions were beginning to increase in intensity and frequency. I knew that I wanted an epidural so I was dilated enough now to have one started. We waited for what seemed like forever to get the epidural. I know that I had pain that I never wanted to feel and still try to block out. It was the worst feeling and pain that I have every felt or experienced before. I do not know how women can give birth naturally. I thing they must have a pain threshold like no one’s business. It hurts…. BAD is all I can say and I only experienced it for maybe 10-15 minutes. I was crying and if someone offered me a gun I may have taken them up on their offer at that point. It was excruciating to say the least.
The epidural was in place and I was now more comfortable. M concern was how I was going o push unable to feel my legs and feet, but I was now also not worrying too much about it. Again with all the drugs I was just tired. I slept mostly and tried to participate in conversation when I was up.
The next event to cause the nurses running into the room with doctors falling in step was that my blood pressure was dropping and my heart rate was increasing. At this point they stopped my epidural. NOOOOO is all I was thinking. That was not part of my birth plan. NOOOOO I just felt that pain. An oxygen mask was placed on me, a new bag of IV medication was hung for my blood pressure, and again the tension and worry filled the room. I was so drugged and tired that really I know this happened but it is kind of like the feeling of seeing things happening, but being unable to speak your thoughts. I do know that I talked to someone and begged and pleaded for my epidural. I knew from nursing that if it was too powerful that they do have a way to decease the epidural as opposed to shutting the whole thing off. At some point it was started on a lower dose and I was much happier. The epidural also helped my body relax so that my body was able to dilate faster. It was not until around 8 or 9 pm that my OB was called and pushing started.
On Monday August 4th Joseph Alex was born at 2154. He came into the world weighing 6 pounds and 1 ounce and was 18 inches long. He came out not making a sound and he was not put on my chest immediately. He was put onto the baby table (don’t know what to call it) they had to rouse him and I remember saying “why isn’t he crying?” There was a moment when we all were very quiet watching the nurses and the NICU nurse that was called in and soon we heard the first noises of Joey. Once he started to breathe and his APGAR scores improved as well as being cleaned up he was swaddled and put into my arms. Jeff did cut the cord and he did great at viewing the whole birth process. Soon the grandparents would be coming into the room but before they did I wanted to make sure that Joey was in his Wisconsin outfit before anyone else saw him. It was important and meaningful to me to have Joey in something Wisconsin to remember my grandpa and to pass on his name.

End of the school year activites

I will soon be back to my regularly scheduled programming…. Pregnancies and the past, but before I get to the past I felt like I needed to do this blog for my kiddos. It has been a very busy week as I am sure it has been all over the country for moms of school aged children. Summer is here and it can be seen by the increased temperatures, the opening of swimming pools, the hanging baskets of bright beautiful flowers, the green grass that is always being freshly mowed, the sight of bumble bees, and of course those pesky mosquitoes. I love summer. I wait all year for the sun to shine and to have the opportunity to be outside watching my kids ride their bikes, play on the swing set, play ball, and enjoying side walk chalk. I can’t express how much better I feel when the sun is shining and the sounds, smells, and feel of summer are felt all around me.
This past week has been hectic to say the least. As I just described all the things we enjoy doing outdoors we have been so busy that we have been unable to most of it. Jeff has been out of town of business and comes home later tonight. (Big smile)So when he is away on business that adds to my late nights and having more responsibility.

Wednesday was Gabby’s last class of Little Leapers. Little Leapers is like a gymnastics class. We have been going there since Joey was about 2. The last session before summer they have an awards ceremony. It is just really fun for the kids. They get a medal and the teachers play the Olympic theme song as the kids get their medal. I was so happy for Gabrielle. Being the younger child she often is too young for some of the activities that Joey is involved in. She has watched Joey get trophies and medals of his own, so this was just a big deal for her.




Running to mommy to show me her medal

Look at me mom!


Thursday was Joey’s last day of Little Leaper’s also. He is in a class with 13 other boys. I give big props to the teachers. It is always fun to watch the boy’s class, so different from the girl’s class. The boys are all 4/5 years. These boys have so much energy and watching them all run around and tumble is a treat. Joey on the balance beam

Joey with the torch


Joey with the group receiving their medals


After Little Leaper’s yesterday we went for kids haircuts and ran some father’s day errands. Then it was time to let the kids unwind and relax before getting ready and going to Joey’s school concert. The concert is all the kids singing various songs with different hand movements. Joey knew that his concert was last night and we would talk throughout the day about singing loudly, smiling, and I even told him if he was nervous up there to picture all of us parent’s and family members sitting there in our underwear. That got a laugh out of him. For those of you that do not know my son he is very picky about his clothes. Last year I let him wear a new Lebron James jersey and matching shorts. I know not very dressy, but it was brand new and the Cavs were in the playoffs and playing that night. So I was hoping that the parent’s would all enjoy his outfit and as most of the men watching their kids at the concert were thinking about the upcoming big game I thought it would be fun for them to see a little boy showing his love for the Cavs and Lebron too. Well this year the Cavs are obviously not in the playoffs so I had picked out a pair of plaid shorts from Gymboree with a matching shirt. No big deal right? Well Joey was not happy when we left the house. He wanted me to go home so he could change his clothes. Normally he likes Umbros, mesh basketball shorts, Indians t-shirts, Boston Red Sox t-shirt etc. You get the picture just not as dressy as mom wanted. I explained to him that I do a lot for him and that I was just asking him to do this for me. As soon as we got home he could change his clothes. Well he then began crying and whining. This was not a god sign. So I did the ultimate bad mommy thing and told him that he would not have a birthday party with his school friends if he did not stop his whining and crying and carrying on. I was out of options. I hate threatening my kids with things. I think that I made a bad choice there, but I didn’t know what else to do. My grown up logic and trying to convince him was not working. So we got to the school he stopped crying after my threat and I dropped him off in his room with all the other kids. The concert started and Joey did not sing one note. He did not do one hand gesture, clap his hands or anything. I went up with the camera to the front row and was making eye contact with him, making funny faces, and mouthing sing. He would just look at me and smile, make a funny face, or shake his head no. This was all over his clothes! You would have thought that I made him go in a shirt and tie with the way he was acting. Maybe next year he can go in his picked out clothes after all. I apologized to his teacher and told her it was my entire fault because of his clothes. She was like he is one of my better singers I was wondering what was going on with him. Enjoy the pictures they do capture Joey and his stubbornness. By the way Joey and Gabrielle got into an argument the other day. Gabby with her long fingernails attacked Joey’s face. That is why he has those scratches.

Joey is the boy in the front row looking at the camera and smirking/smiling. (above photo)

Below I don't know if he is looking at the girls shoes next to him or trying to catch a nap?

I would love to know what he is thinking or pondering here. Maybe look at those fools in the audience. He is suppose to be clapping and singing. I love the boy in the Pooh and Tigger shirt with his hands in his mouth. He looks as excited as Joey being up there.

Joey and his buddies. Left to right Blake (Joey's cousin/ my nephew), Meghan, Joey. Meghan hangs out with these two and there is one boy missing from this group. These 4 kids are together all day long and are the best of buds. Whenever I ask Joey who he plays with at school the answer is always the same "Blake, Meghan, and Jack". (Jack not pictured)

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Hawaii & Our 6th Year Wedding Anniversary

I am back! I feel bad that in my last blog post I said that I would do a picture of the day everyday that we were in Hawaii. Well it never seemed to happen. When night time came both Jeff and I were in bed and fast asleep. I am starting to finally get on track again from the time change.

We had a WONDERFUL time. I have to first thank my mom and dad who were so kind and watched the kids for us and did all the duties I normally would do. They put their jobs aside for the kids and Jeff and I are forever grateful. It was harder on Joey than we expected, but we are glad to be home and back into our normal routines again. Already Jeff is out of town on business!
We got to Hawaii and it was later in the evening Hawaii time. It was 4:00am Ohio time when we finally were checked into the hotel and in our hotel room. We were exhausted and welcomed our “heavenly” beds. When we finally got up the next morning we went to the pool and basked in the sun. By mid afternoon I think Jeff and I were both looking at each other like now what do we do? No kids? Relax? No schedule? What is this? So we decided to go parasailing. There was a company right on the beach that was offering it. This was the first time either of us had gone parasailing. I was nervous not because I am scared of heights, but because I was afraid of what would happen if the rope should snap. I am not fond of being out in the middle of the Pacific with whales and sharks. I was told several times that there is nothing to be afraid of because the whales had gone up to Alaska/ Canada for the summer. Anyways it was beautiful. I was surprised that Jeff and I were also able to have a conversation not shouting to one another. It was not loud or windy up there whatsoever. I highly recommend parasailing.

Over the next few days we did many fun things like horseback riding, snorkeling, shopping, and also just driving around the island and finding our own little adventures.

I am on Keiko and Jeff is on Apache

We took a boat ride out to Molokini and went snorkeling and then to turtle town. I had an amazing experience swimming with some sea turtles. They are so gentle and clam in the water. It was one of the coolest things I have ever done. We ended up buying our own snorkel masks and then found other places to snorkel throughout our trip. A few other times we saw sea turtles. Of course when I then buy the underwater camera to share this with the kids, we never saw another sea turtle on our snorkel adventures. We did see some amazing fish and coral under water. At one place I was just observing things and was really scared and shocked when I spotted a black zebra moray eel. My fins were moving then. Anything that looks or acts like a snake and I am gone. The eel and I made eye contact and I still get the chills thinking of the thing.

On May 25th Jeff and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. We spent the morning going to a different side of the island. We had breakfast and then went to a dive shop to rent some snorkel gear (fins, flotation device, and scuba zip up shirts). We then went to two sites for snorkeling. Afterwards we headed back to the hotel and I got ready to go get my hair done and Jeff went and did some laundry. We then went and got some pictures before dinner of the sunset of the two of us. Dinner was an experience. Lets’ just say that the more expensive a meal the less likely I am to eat. I do not eat anything that comes out of the ocean. I am more of like a vegetarian except that I will eat chicken and I will eat an occasional hamburger. Other than that my meat intake is very limited. It has more to do with thoughts of the animal and texture than anything else. The concierge at the hotel told us about this place, great atmosphere, good food etc. When I picked up the menu I knew right away that I would be having a salad. I asked if the portions were big and was told yes. So I ordered this fancy tomato salad with onions and some sort of vinaigrette dressing. The salad came in a MARTINI glass. It took me like 8 bites and that was my dinner. I am happier at Subway or getting a slice of pizza. I hate when you pay so much and get so little. There was one item on the menu and it was $80.00 for a steak! WOW is all I can say. I hope they know if that was really one good cow.

Sunset picture

So our Anniversary was a fun day. I will never forget that salad! I think Jeff and I know better now also. Those places make me uncomfortable and the food I could live without really. Cheap date! That is me.

Our last day on the island we drove to Hana. Now the road to Hana has 600 curves and 56 bridges. It was insane! The roads were winding for 30 miles. We decided to do this trip at the last minute after a snorkel adventure and we had no clothes to change into. So we did it in our bathing suits and we were out to find some waterfalls. We did see some amazing waterfalls as well as some amazing views and sights. It was a great time!

We are now back in Ohio and ready for summer. Joey has his last day of preschool on Friday.