Giving it to God

I realize that lately my blog has taken a turn, one of pain, grief, and sadness. I appreciate the comments that have been left for me on the passing of Samantha and Sydney. In some ways I feel stuck. I brought the pain out of the place that it has been hiding the past 4 years and here it is again. I don’t want my blog to be a place that people avoid coming to. I realize that this is something I started for my children Joey, Samantha, Sydney, and Gabrielle and I felt that the best way for them to learn more about me and my pregnancies was for me to write it out. So I went to the very beginning where I met Jeff and how our journey started. Now here I am with 2 pregnancies down and one more to get through. Gabrielle’s pregnancy was no picnic.
The past few days I have been sad, quiet, and withdrawn from my family and kids. Joey was at summer camp today and I spent a great deal of time on the computer. I came across a blog and I don’t even know how I found it. I was searching for blog makeovers at the time that I found it. I don’t think it was an accident that I came across this blog. I think that now I find myself minimizing the deaths of my daughters which I don’t want to sound like it doesn’t matter because it does. I found this blog and I am amazed by Angie. (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html) I love the way that she can put her words down on paper and it sounds so real, I feel like I am there talking to her, and I feel her pain. Not only has her family lost her precious daughter they recently lost a nephew. I think about the grandparents that in not even 6 months have lost TWO precious grandchildren. I just will never understand. It makes me so mad to know that this happens and that there is such pain out there. Is it worse to have a baby/babies die at 20 weeks than it is to have them die at 34+ weeks? I sometimes am grateful that if it had to happen that it happened before I felt every kick, new every position the babies hung out in, saw more pictures on an ultrasound screen, felt the baby (s) have hiccups in my womb. It was a horrible thing that happened, but maybe I did find a positive in this experience. Maybe it was better to let this happen at 20 weeks as opposed to 34+ weeks. I am so envious of Angie and her pictures. She has some beautiful pictures of her daughter with her and her family. Then I am angry that she had time to think it through and plan to have photographs taken professional ones even. I am so happy for her that she has those treasures to look at whenever she misses Audrey.
I want to be able to write like Angie or like Will Piper and have my words come across like they have the talent to do. There are others out there that can write so beautifully also I just am naming these two because as of late they have touched my heart.
Four years I have walked around with this pain and I thought I let it go. Four years I have been so angry, mad, and in some ways withdrawn. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to be closer to God and give him my grief. I want him to give me the answers that I seek, but most of all I wish that I could go back and do it all differently. I don’t think anyone can really understand how much of an impact not having pictures of Samantha and Sydney has hurt me. I have no memory as to what they look like. I have nothing to give to an artist to have a drawing done. I have nothing to hold to feel closer to them and make them more real. I have nothing to look at to see without blurry eyes that are wet from tears to see if they have eyes like Joey or a nose like Gabrielle. I wish so bad I could turn back the clock. Death is final and there is nothing you can do to change it. That is a hard lesson to face. Damn those nurses and the staff for not making a terrible situation one that I could look back at and be grateful that I had something left to hold onto.
GOD TAKE THIS PAIN AND ANGER! IT IS YOURS TO HAVE!