5 years ago today

~5 years ago today I dropped Joey off to stay with nana while I went to the doctors
~5 years ago today I walked into the hospital for my regular periantologist appointment alone
~5 years ago today I sat in a waiting room thinking my little girls were going to be just fine
~5 years ago today when I went into that appointment I was ready to start talking about going inpatient
~5 years ago today I peed in a cup per the nurse’s request
~5 years ago today I had my blood pressure taken and was weighed
~5 years ago today my nurse was listening for heart beats using the Doppler when she replied “your babies are so active, lucky you you get to have an ultrasound”
~5 years ago today the words that the nurse spoke never leave my mind
~5 years ago today that ultrasound showed the worst thing imaginable
~5 years ago today I learned that my precious identical twin daughters Samantha and Sydney had died in the womb
~5 years ago today I had the worst day of my life
~5 years ago today after my appointment I walked into a gas station with a big swollen 20 week + pregnant belly (Plus extra big belly from just giving birth to Joey 6 months prior to Joey) and bought a pack of cigarettes with tears streaming down my face
~5 years ago today I bought that pack of cigarettes and the man behind the counter looked at me like I was nuts and I looked at him and replied “It doesn’t matter they died”
~5 years ago today Jeff met me at my mom’s and we cried
~5 years ago today I was scared, naive, and in a state of shock that I was not thinking clearly on how to deal with this situation
~5 years ago today I went back to the hospital to start the induction process
~5 years ago today I was in the hospital making little progress (per doctors and nurses assessments) when I felt the need to push and gave birth to my little babies with a nurse, anesthesiologist and Jeff present
~5 years ago today I watched as my water never broke and suddenly I pushed one push and a sac broke on my bed and 2 tiny babies lied at my feet tangled in cords
~5 years ago today I was rushed for a D&C
~5 years ago today I learned that I am not in control
~5 years ago today I learned that pregnancy is a scary thing
~5 years ago today I learned that there are no guarantees
~5 years ago today I held 2 of the most beautiful babies in my arms
~5 years ago today I felt lost
~5 years ago today I felt like I would not be able to live with this kind of loss
~5 years ago today I wanted to die and be with my girls
~5 years ago today part of me died with my daughters
~5 years ago today I learned that I could love 2 babies for a lifetime, yet these were 2 babies I had never met
~5 years ago today I made mistakes in not demanding to see my babies, take photos of them and the importance for me in that part of the healing process
~5 years ago today I felt like a failure for not giving my husband the opportunity to be a dad to his little girls
~5 years ago today was the worst day of my life!!

Samantha and Sydney, my wish is that on this your 5th birthday you are having a beautiful time in Heaven. I imagine you with long hair and dancing. I LOVE you both more than words can express. I miss you terribly and wish I could see you smile, hear you laugh, and see how you would interact with one another. Would you have a twin bond? There are so many things I wonder about the two of you and I do look forward to the day I can hold you both in my arms forever.

Below is a letter that your daddy wrote. I posted mine a few days earlier. Happy Birthday! As we do every year we will be singing happy birthday to you tonight. I hope that you know we will never forget and we love you!

Mommy

Dear Samantha and Sydney,

I can’t believe that it’s been five years since you were born. In many ways, I try to put that painful day out of my mind – it’s just my way of coping with the loss. Actually, when your mom suggested I write this letter, I could tell by my inappropriate response (slightly angry) that this had stirred up some deep emotions that still have not totally settled. And then, the more I thought about it, writing this letter was a great idea. Oh, your mom is a wonderful lady. God knew what he was doing when He brought us together. We’re perfect for each other! She loves you very much! She may not admit to it, but one of the reasons she’s such a wonderful mom is because of these fantastic ideas she comes up with to express her love for you. She always amazes me with her ideas, and this is certainly another one of her brilliant ideas!

Before I continue rambling, I want you both to know something; not a day passes that I don’t think about you. I mostly think about what is going to be like when your mom and I finally meet you in heaven. I often think about what it would be like if you wouldn’t have died. There are days that I look into your brother and sister’s eyes and I ponder what your own unique personalities, talents, and skills God has given you; would you sing and dance with your sister Gabby, or would you play hide-and-seek with Joey? Would you let me paint your fingernails? I wonder how much more laughter would fill our house if you were here with us. I wonder how much more singing, or dancing would fill our home. I wonder if you would wrestle with me. I wonder if you would surprise me with special hugs and kisses when I come home from work.

I initially struggled with whether to write one letter or two, but then I realized that just writing this letter was a great step forward in the healing process. I also think about what it’s like for you in heaven; can you see us? Do you talk with Jesus? Are there angels watching over us now? How old are you in heaven? The older I get, the more I think about heaven, and the more questions I have for the Lord. I know your mom wants to now why He let you both die. And honestly, I’m not sure if we did have the answers that it would change anything. In my heart, I know that God is good and His purpose always works out for the best in His children’s lives. Nothing changes the fact that I’ll never get a chance to experience all of the special times that a daddy should have with his daughters. I must rest with the knowledge that you are with God. And someday Jesus is coming back to make this place the way it ought to be. So until the Lord calls me home or Jesus returns, I am going to love your Mom, brother, and sister. I’m going to be the best husband and father to them. And someday, when I make it home, I’m looking forward to the biggest homecoming ever!

Sam and Syd, I wish you both a Happy Birthday! I’m hoping the Lord has you adorned in the most beautiful white dresses imaginable.

All my love, Dad