5 years ago today

~5 years ago today I dropped Joey off to stay with nana while I went to the doctors
~5 years ago today I walked into the hospital for my regular periantologist appointment alone
~5 years ago today I sat in a waiting room thinking my little girls were going to be just fine
~5 years ago today when I went into that appointment I was ready to start talking about going inpatient
~5 years ago today I peed in a cup per the nurse’s request
~5 years ago today I had my blood pressure taken and was weighed
~5 years ago today my nurse was listening for heart beats using the Doppler when she replied “your babies are so active, lucky you you get to have an ultrasound”
~5 years ago today the words that the nurse spoke never leave my mind
~5 years ago today that ultrasound showed the worst thing imaginable
~5 years ago today I learned that my precious identical twin daughters Samantha and Sydney had died in the womb
~5 years ago today I had the worst day of my life
~5 years ago today after my appointment I walked into a gas station with a big swollen 20 week + pregnant belly (Plus extra big belly from just giving birth to Joey 6 months prior to Joey) and bought a pack of cigarettes with tears streaming down my face
~5 years ago today I bought that pack of cigarettes and the man behind the counter looked at me like I was nuts and I looked at him and replied “It doesn’t matter they died”
~5 years ago today Jeff met me at my mom’s and we cried
~5 years ago today I was scared, naive, and in a state of shock that I was not thinking clearly on how to deal with this situation
~5 years ago today I went back to the hospital to start the induction process
~5 years ago today I was in the hospital making little progress (per doctors and nurses assessments) when I felt the need to push and gave birth to my little babies with a nurse, anesthesiologist and Jeff present
~5 years ago today I watched as my water never broke and suddenly I pushed one push and a sac broke on my bed and 2 tiny babies lied at my feet tangled in cords
~5 years ago today I was rushed for a D&C
~5 years ago today I learned that I am not in control
~5 years ago today I learned that pregnancy is a scary thing
~5 years ago today I learned that there are no guarantees
~5 years ago today I held 2 of the most beautiful babies in my arms
~5 years ago today I felt lost
~5 years ago today I felt like I would not be able to live with this kind of loss
~5 years ago today I wanted to die and be with my girls
~5 years ago today part of me died with my daughters
~5 years ago today I learned that I could love 2 babies for a lifetime, yet these were 2 babies I had never met
~5 years ago today I made mistakes in not demanding to see my babies, take photos of them and the importance for me in that part of the healing process
~5 years ago today I felt like a failure for not giving my husband the opportunity to be a dad to his little girls
~5 years ago today was the worst day of my life!!

Samantha and Sydney, my wish is that on this your 5th birthday you are having a beautiful time in Heaven. I imagine you with long hair and dancing. I LOVE you both more than words can express. I miss you terribly and wish I could see you smile, hear you laugh, and see how you would interact with one another. Would you have a twin bond? There are so many things I wonder about the two of you and I do look forward to the day I can hold you both in my arms forever.

Below is a letter that your daddy wrote. I posted mine a few days earlier. Happy Birthday! As we do every year we will be singing happy birthday to you tonight. I hope that you know we will never forget and we love you!

Mommy

Dear Samantha and Sydney,

I can’t believe that it’s been five years since you were born. In many ways, I try to put that painful day out of my mind – it’s just my way of coping with the loss. Actually, when your mom suggested I write this letter, I could tell by my inappropriate response (slightly angry) that this had stirred up some deep emotions that still have not totally settled. And then, the more I thought about it, writing this letter was a great idea. Oh, your mom is a wonderful lady. God knew what he was doing when He brought us together. We’re perfect for each other! She loves you very much! She may not admit to it, but one of the reasons she’s such a wonderful mom is because of these fantastic ideas she comes up with to express her love for you. She always amazes me with her ideas, and this is certainly another one of her brilliant ideas!

Before I continue rambling, I want you both to know something; not a day passes that I don’t think about you. I mostly think about what is going to be like when your mom and I finally meet you in heaven. I often think about what it would be like if you wouldn’t have died. There are days that I look into your brother and sister’s eyes and I ponder what your own unique personalities, talents, and skills God has given you; would you sing and dance with your sister Gabby, or would you play hide-and-seek with Joey? Would you let me paint your fingernails? I wonder how much more laughter would fill our house if you were here with us. I wonder how much more singing, or dancing would fill our home. I wonder if you would wrestle with me. I wonder if you would surprise me with special hugs and kisses when I come home from work.

I initially struggled with whether to write one letter or two, but then I realized that just writing this letter was a great step forward in the healing process. I also think about what it’s like for you in heaven; can you see us? Do you talk with Jesus? Are there angels watching over us now? How old are you in heaven? The older I get, the more I think about heaven, and the more questions I have for the Lord. I know your mom wants to now why He let you both die. And honestly, I’m not sure if we did have the answers that it would change anything. In my heart, I know that God is good and His purpose always works out for the best in His children’s lives. Nothing changes the fact that I’ll never get a chance to experience all of the special times that a daddy should have with his daughters. I must rest with the knowledge that you are with God. And someday Jesus is coming back to make this place the way it ought to be. So until the Lord calls me home or Jesus returns, I am going to love your Mom, brother, and sister. I’m going to be the best husband and father to them. And someday, when I make it home, I’m looking forward to the biggest homecoming ever!

Sam and Syd, I wish you both a Happy Birthday! I’m hoping the Lord has you adorned in the most beautiful white dresses imaginable.

All my love, Dad

Valentine's Day... 5 years ago

The dates in February are the same that they were 5 years ago. 5 years ago today on Valentine’s Day we had dinner out with my family. After dinner we went back to my mom and dad’s house for dessert. When we were at my parent’s house I had my calendar out and was starting to schedule and pencil in where my immediate family would be in the coming weeks and month. We were 4 short weeks. 4 weeks from going inpatient. Seemed so close, but not close enough.

Sam & Syd

Dear Samantha and Sydney~
I want to wish you both a very Happy 5th Birthday. As I sit here to write this letter I am in awe how fast 5 years have flown by and how some memories never fade, yet at the same time how my memory can forget things that happened last week.
There are millions of things that I want to say, experience, and share with the both of you. As your mom I hope that you know that a day does not pass that I do not think of the two of you and miss you, feel cheated, feel guilty, or wish that this was a horrible dream that I would wake up from. It is hard to think of you both as the separate individuals that you are as opposed to you both as one person. I have to remind myself that I did not get cheated out of one life, but two lives. Two babies, two people, two daughters, two sisters, two grandchildren that deserved to make their mark on this world. I had many dreams for you both while you were alive and well playing patty cake in the womb. I was most looking forward to the people that you would become and how you would interact with your not so much older brother and with each other.

5 years old. You both would be in preschool right now at New Hope with Joey and Gabs. You would probably share a bedroom and if you were anything like your younger sister you would be into playing dress up, dancing, singing, and terrorizing Max. If you were like your brother you would be into playing with Star Wars toys, playing the Wii, coloring, and soon be learning how to read. In the fall you would start your first year at Valley Christian in kindergarten and in just a few days you would be with mommy and Papa at the beach playing in the sand and swimming.

So cheated yes, we have been cheated. I do look forward to the day that I hold you in my arms and can love you and squeeze you. I want you both to know that we miss you terribly. That I will never forget you, and that you will always be loved, missed, and cherished by me. I will continue to keep you alive in my mind, body, and soul and to make sure that your siblings know that our family is not complete until the 6 of us are all reunited again in Heaven.

With many hugs, kisses, and LOVE,

Mommy

XOOOXOXO

P.S~ I hate that we have not been out to see you in so long. Reason number 10, 895 that I HATE that this happened, is because it is so COLD in February. That is why we feel close to you every time we look out our windows and see the statues in the garden. It makes me feel like you are always here.

~A Pair of Shoes~ 11 days away from our 5 Year Anniversary~

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown.

Baby Fix Gabrielle Grace... Part II

I know it is not her Birthday, but I am needing a baby fix in a big way!!! It is true though that once I let my mind remember the three high risk pregnancies, the many trips and admits to the ER/hospital, the loss of my sweet girls, and then the colic and post partum depression that I know that the decision for Jeff to have a vasectomy was the right one, but still... I miss babies. So now instead of a baby this is what is going on now with my BIG GIRL no longer a BABY. Even though she is my BABY she is just not a BABY. :(

Now instead of diapers, bottles, and making crafts out of her hand and footprints my BIG GIRL can now do this..

...and just like typical Gabrielle fashion she did this on her own on her terms. We have been working with her on writing her name. Either we would get two responses (1) "no, I don't want to" (2) She attempts for 5 seconds but really wants to not do this for mom, but will do for her Pre K teachers. Then this past weekend she wanted to color and she said "mom look" and I am so PROUD!!! We knew she could, it is just everything is on her terms!

And instead of conversations of singing to a baby or trying to quiet my youngest little girl with her constant colic and crying we now have conversations like this:

Not too long ago I was in the bathroom. In typical fashion someone ALWAYS walks in unannounced... this time it was Gabby. I was having my monthly visit from aunt flo and attempting to change Tampons. Gabrielle says "mom, what is that"? "A tampon" I reply and then as I open the new one she looks at it out of its package and says "Wow, that is pretty"! In a VERY excited voice. HMMM I had to think about that. A tampon as pretty. Functional or great invention are words I would use not PRETTY.

Gabrielle Grace I LOVE you and I AM SO PROUD of you. I love to listen to you sing, watch you dance and play dress up. You amaze me with your memory and I am so BLESSED beyond belief to be your mommy.

I LOVE YOU!!! XXOXOX

Just Need a Baby Fix~ Gabrielle Grace~

She was the "cheesiest"thing I had ever seen!!! Minutes after birth

With mommy day 2 of life

... And then the real Gabrielle came forward and the colic began. It is then that I get my "baby fix" and remember the other reasons why we are done!

To be continued...

I have been reading so many new blogs and came across this tonight! It looks like fun and I would love to get more involved with other blogging moms/bloggers. So this is my first time participating in a swap and you can too!! Go check it out. We may swap with each other.

A Whole Evening Alone!

For Christmas my sister gave Jeff and I 2 gift cards. 1 to the Cheesecake Factory and the other to Regal Cinemas. There was also a nice note in the gift stating that she would babysit so Jeff and I could have a date night! Great gift right?!

I was surprised to wake up yesterday and hear that arrangements were made and after 4:00 pm Jeff and I had the whole evening to ourselves. The kids were even spending the night with family.... WOW, this does not happen often that Jeff and I come home to a house with just the 2 of us.

So we went here:

and then here

and it was a great movie that I highly recommend!