Favorite things swap!!

***First off I apologize that I am late in blogging about my participation in the Mamarazzis favorite things Swap! I have been in bed primarily for the past 4 days with some weird virus… if that is even what this is that is ailing me.***

I signed up to be in my first swap ever and am so glad that I did. There was some confusion in the beginning being that I was in Florida and we were having email problems, but it all worked out and I was matched up with Steph over at And then there were 6. Steph and I have lots in common and it made this very easy!

My package arrived on Friday and the following are pictures of what all the goodies were inside.





All the goodies still in the box and wrapped up!



A note from Steph and everything out of the box.
Everything unwrapped. I am so excited to plant the flowers in Sam and Syd's garden.

Nail polish that Gabrielle was so excited about and we already painted her nails. Chocolate and brownie mix. YUM! I had to laugh at the Burt's Bee. Jeff loves and swears by the stuff. A great movie that I am excited to see again.

Thanks Steph! I love it all and it was fun to get mail from you. Actually fun to get GOOD, GREAT, EXCELLENT mail from you. :)

Photo Story Friday~ Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique~

As many of you know when we went to Sanibel Island on vacation we also took a side trip to Disney. Orlando is about a 3 hour trip from Sanibel. We had an amazing time in Disney, although it never seems like enough time. Our trip to Florida was not really planned nor was a trip to Disney. (Meaning this was not a trip planned out months in advanced) My dad has a condo in Florida and he is also a Florida resident. I think sometimes he gets bored alone in Florida so he called me in January asking if the kids and I would want to go to Sanibel for a trip. Of course I jumped on the invitation and then decided since we were in Florida and the kids are at such great ages that a trip to Disney would be a wonderful idea!
Little Miss Gabrielle is three and a half. She loves everything dress up and princess. So when I was on the Disney website in late January making arrangements for a character dinner and came across the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique it seemed like a no brainer to me. What is this boutique? I am glad you asked. It is an amazing, creative, and fun experience for any little princess.
Below is copied from the website:
It's hard not to feel as happy as a princess in this charming little boutique, owned by Cinderella's Fairy Godmother and operated by Fairy Godmothers-in-training. The boutique offers multiple hair styles, nail color, make-up and a total package including Disney Princess costume and photographs.
Girls 3 years old and above can choose from 3 hair styles — Fairytale Princess, Disney Diva and Pop Princess — in 3 available packages:
• Coach Package includes hairstyling and shimmering makeup
• Crown Package includes hairstyling, shimmering makeup and nails
• Castle Package includes the Crown Package plus the Imaging Package (one 6" x 8" and four 4" x 6" photos in a princess-themed photo holder) and complete costume of your choice with accessories

I was so excited to do this for Gabrielle. This is how our princess experience went. We surprised Gabby and went to our appointment after lunch. After signing in the princess to be goes and chooses her gown and princess to become. Gabby chose Sleeping Beauty due to the fact that the dress is pink and so are the shoes! (Love that girl and her devotion to the color pink!!) She then goes back into the princess dressing room and puts on her princess dress. Then she sits in the princess salon chair. Because Gabby has short hair they made a very small pony tail at the top of her head giving her a “Pebbles” look. From there they used a head piece to create a bun and extensions of hair. She gets her nails painted as well as makeup put on her face. This all takes place by the Fairy Godmothers and the whole time she is called “Princess Gabrielle”.
ADORABLE!!! This was so much fun. Gabrielle LOVED it! It was so precious and I am just so happy that we were able to do this for her and at three years old when Disney is a magical place she could feel like a princess. I only wish they had this stuff when I was a kid!!














Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Wordful Wednesday~ Siblings

Lately these two have learned how to push each others buttons. For example, Joey has decided that he does not like to be called “Joe Joe” and since little sister knows this she will call him “Joe Joe” at just the right times to force a whining and crying reaction out of her big brother. To get her back he will then call her “G G” (Gabrielle Grace) this will then upset little sister. So this will go on back and forth until mom steps in and asks them both to knock it off.

But at the end of the day, we are brother and sister and we love each other very much!

Head on over to 7 clown Circus.. Sorry Angie I am having problems making the button show up and not cryptic text.

Our trip to Sanibel Island, Florida

We are back from a wonderful trip to Sanibel! Joey, Gabrielle, and I spent nine days with my dad in Sanibel before Jeff joined us. Before Jeff joined us here is a list of some things we did:
*Swam in the pool
*Taught Joey how to swim without floaties! This was a big deal and after he got up the confidence he was so proud of himself and now LOVES to swim
*Walked the beach
*Made sand castles
*The kids were burying me feet in the sand one day as I watched 2 dolphins feed in the ocean
*Went to Ding Darling
*Ate at some wonderful places! We loved Grandma Dots and Island Pizza
*Shopped on Periwinkle

When Jeff joined us we spent time one day on Captiva and took a dolphin cruise. We also got alone time one night and went to see the movie “he’s just not that in to you”. On Wednesday I will be showing pictures from Disney! I am so excited for Wordful Wednesday this week. The best parts of our trip have to be spending time Papa, seeing Joey swim, and getting away from Ohio and the cold temperatures. Tomorrow it will be a high of 16 degrees F and I just can’t wait! (ß Kidding!) Now some photos from our trip…


Attempt at a family picture

My handsome little boy

Beautiful girl in her bathing suit

Mommy, Joey, & Gab... I got a little too much sun one day. Ended up getting sun poisoning on my chest.

Joey & Gab at Ding Darling

Joey swimming with Papa with no flotation assistance

Siblings!

5 years ago today

~5 years ago today I dropped Joey off to stay with nana while I went to the doctors
~5 years ago today I walked into the hospital for my regular periantologist appointment alone
~5 years ago today I sat in a waiting room thinking my little girls were going to be just fine
~5 years ago today when I went into that appointment I was ready to start talking about going inpatient
~5 years ago today I peed in a cup per the nurse’s request
~5 years ago today I had my blood pressure taken and was weighed
~5 years ago today my nurse was listening for heart beats using the Doppler when she replied “your babies are so active, lucky you you get to have an ultrasound”
~5 years ago today the words that the nurse spoke never leave my mind
~5 years ago today that ultrasound showed the worst thing imaginable
~5 years ago today I learned that my precious identical twin daughters Samantha and Sydney had died in the womb
~5 years ago today I had the worst day of my life
~5 years ago today after my appointment I walked into a gas station with a big swollen 20 week + pregnant belly (Plus extra big belly from just giving birth to Joey 6 months prior to Joey) and bought a pack of cigarettes with tears streaming down my face
~5 years ago today I bought that pack of cigarettes and the man behind the counter looked at me like I was nuts and I looked at him and replied “It doesn’t matter they died”
~5 years ago today Jeff met me at my mom’s and we cried
~5 years ago today I was scared, naive, and in a state of shock that I was not thinking clearly on how to deal with this situation
~5 years ago today I went back to the hospital to start the induction process
~5 years ago today I was in the hospital making little progress (per doctors and nurses assessments) when I felt the need to push and gave birth to my little babies with a nurse, anesthesiologist and Jeff present
~5 years ago today I watched as my water never broke and suddenly I pushed one push and a sac broke on my bed and 2 tiny babies lied at my feet tangled in cords
~5 years ago today I was rushed for a D&C
~5 years ago today I learned that I am not in control
~5 years ago today I learned that pregnancy is a scary thing
~5 years ago today I learned that there are no guarantees
~5 years ago today I held 2 of the most beautiful babies in my arms
~5 years ago today I felt lost
~5 years ago today I felt like I would not be able to live with this kind of loss
~5 years ago today I wanted to die and be with my girls
~5 years ago today part of me died with my daughters
~5 years ago today I learned that I could love 2 babies for a lifetime, yet these were 2 babies I had never met
~5 years ago today I made mistakes in not demanding to see my babies, take photos of them and the importance for me in that part of the healing process
~5 years ago today I felt like a failure for not giving my husband the opportunity to be a dad to his little girls
~5 years ago today was the worst day of my life!!

Samantha and Sydney, my wish is that on this your 5th birthday you are having a beautiful time in Heaven. I imagine you with long hair and dancing. I LOVE you both more than words can express. I miss you terribly and wish I could see you smile, hear you laugh, and see how you would interact with one another. Would you have a twin bond? There are so many things I wonder about the two of you and I do look forward to the day I can hold you both in my arms forever.

Below is a letter that your daddy wrote. I posted mine a few days earlier. Happy Birthday! As we do every year we will be singing happy birthday to you tonight. I hope that you know we will never forget and we love you!

Mommy

Dear Samantha and Sydney,

I can’t believe that it’s been five years since you were born. In many ways, I try to put that painful day out of my mind – it’s just my way of coping with the loss. Actually, when your mom suggested I write this letter, I could tell by my inappropriate response (slightly angry) that this had stirred up some deep emotions that still have not totally settled. And then, the more I thought about it, writing this letter was a great idea. Oh, your mom is a wonderful lady. God knew what he was doing when He brought us together. We’re perfect for each other! She loves you very much! She may not admit to it, but one of the reasons she’s such a wonderful mom is because of these fantastic ideas she comes up with to express her love for you. She always amazes me with her ideas, and this is certainly another one of her brilliant ideas!

Before I continue rambling, I want you both to know something; not a day passes that I don’t think about you. I mostly think about what is going to be like when your mom and I finally meet you in heaven. I often think about what it would be like if you wouldn’t have died. There are days that I look into your brother and sister’s eyes and I ponder what your own unique personalities, talents, and skills God has given you; would you sing and dance with your sister Gabby, or would you play hide-and-seek with Joey? Would you let me paint your fingernails? I wonder how much more laughter would fill our house if you were here with us. I wonder how much more singing, or dancing would fill our home. I wonder if you would wrestle with me. I wonder if you would surprise me with special hugs and kisses when I come home from work.

I initially struggled with whether to write one letter or two, but then I realized that just writing this letter was a great step forward in the healing process. I also think about what it’s like for you in heaven; can you see us? Do you talk with Jesus? Are there angels watching over us now? How old are you in heaven? The older I get, the more I think about heaven, and the more questions I have for the Lord. I know your mom wants to now why He let you both die. And honestly, I’m not sure if we did have the answers that it would change anything. In my heart, I know that God is good and His purpose always works out for the best in His children’s lives. Nothing changes the fact that I’ll never get a chance to experience all of the special times that a daddy should have with his daughters. I must rest with the knowledge that you are with God. And someday Jesus is coming back to make this place the way it ought to be. So until the Lord calls me home or Jesus returns, I am going to love your Mom, brother, and sister. I’m going to be the best husband and father to them. And someday, when I make it home, I’m looking forward to the biggest homecoming ever!

Sam and Syd, I wish you both a Happy Birthday! I’m hoping the Lord has you adorned in the most beautiful white dresses imaginable.

All my love, Dad

Valentine's Day... 5 years ago

The dates in February are the same that they were 5 years ago. 5 years ago today on Valentine’s Day we had dinner out with my family. After dinner we went back to my mom and dad’s house for dessert. When we were at my parent’s house I had my calendar out and was starting to schedule and pencil in where my immediate family would be in the coming weeks and month. We were 4 short weeks. 4 weeks from going inpatient. Seemed so close, but not close enough.

Sam & Syd

Dear Samantha and Sydney~
I want to wish you both a very Happy 5th Birthday. As I sit here to write this letter I am in awe how fast 5 years have flown by and how some memories never fade, yet at the same time how my memory can forget things that happened last week.
There are millions of things that I want to say, experience, and share with the both of you. As your mom I hope that you know that a day does not pass that I do not think of the two of you and miss you, feel cheated, feel guilty, or wish that this was a horrible dream that I would wake up from. It is hard to think of you both as the separate individuals that you are as opposed to you both as one person. I have to remind myself that I did not get cheated out of one life, but two lives. Two babies, two people, two daughters, two sisters, two grandchildren that deserved to make their mark on this world. I had many dreams for you both while you were alive and well playing patty cake in the womb. I was most looking forward to the people that you would become and how you would interact with your not so much older brother and with each other.

5 years old. You both would be in preschool right now at New Hope with Joey and Gabs. You would probably share a bedroom and if you were anything like your younger sister you would be into playing dress up, dancing, singing, and terrorizing Max. If you were like your brother you would be into playing with Star Wars toys, playing the Wii, coloring, and soon be learning how to read. In the fall you would start your first year at Valley Christian in kindergarten and in just a few days you would be with mommy and Papa at the beach playing in the sand and swimming.

So cheated yes, we have been cheated. I do look forward to the day that I hold you in my arms and can love you and squeeze you. I want you both to know that we miss you terribly. That I will never forget you, and that you will always be loved, missed, and cherished by me. I will continue to keep you alive in my mind, body, and soul and to make sure that your siblings know that our family is not complete until the 6 of us are all reunited again in Heaven.

With many hugs, kisses, and LOVE,

Mommy

XOOOXOXO

P.S~ I hate that we have not been out to see you in so long. Reason number 10, 895 that I HATE that this happened, is because it is so COLD in February. That is why we feel close to you every time we look out our windows and see the statues in the garden. It makes me feel like you are always here.