It all started at Kent State University!

Photo Story Friday & A lesson learned for mom!

2009-04-10T11:53:00.002-04:00

As I stated to earlier I was out of commission for a few weeks with two very different ailments. When I got to the point that I felt better and just could not lie in bed any longer or sit on the couch for another second I decided it was time for some major spring cleaning in the home!! I started with every room in the house. Finding things for a garage sale, Goodwill, EBay, or just plain the trash can. I reorganized drawers, closets, and cabinets. I also started using the internet to buy things for upcoming showers, babies, and Weddings.
One day a box came from something I had purchased. It was a big box and along with what I had bought the box was filled to the rim with packing peanuts. So I had asked the kids to come pick up the peanuts that may fall on the floor when I lifted out the contents. They did and then asked to play in this big box with the peanuts. At first I was like “no way”. I have been cleaning and that is the last mess that I want to clean up right now. After the kids begged and begged I realized what was the harm? Why was I being so resistant? Then I began to think of their fun playing and not worrying about my time having to clean up the mess.

This was a great lesson for me to just relax and go with the flow. To think about the small joy a box of packing peanuts would bring and not of the mess they would make. Enjoy the photos.

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Splash Award

2009-04-06T12:12:00.003-04:00

Splash Award is an award given to alluring, amusing, bewitching, impressive and inspiring blogs.

Bella nominated me for my first blog award! How exciting is that? I am so excited although I am late in weeks by accepting it. Thanks so much!!

Here are the rules:

The Rules:

1) Put the logo on your blog/post.

2) Nominate up to 9 blogs which allure, amuse, bewitch, impress or inspire you.

3) Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4) Let them know that they have been splashed by commenting on their blog.

5) Remember to link to the person from whom your received your Splash award.

Blogs I am nominating are:

Angie at 7 Clown circus~ She is an inspiration for me as well as amusing

McMommy at McMommy Chronicles~ Always am finding a laugh when I go to this blog. A really neat style of writing also

MammaGeek at What Works for us~ Need inspiration? Go here and view her photos and stories.

Suz at Steece's Pieces~ This girl gives me inspiration every time I read her blog. She has the cutest quads and such a positive outlook which I need.

Laura at the view from our house~ I am telling you all that I think somehow Laura and I are related. She does not know this, but we have so much in common that at times it is scary!! Great place for mom stories, inspiration, and cute kids.

Jennifer at My Charming Kids~

Speaking of Jennifer. If you have never been to her blog you must go. If you are Christian and a folower of God please pray. Her son Stellan is in the hospital as we speak. What an amazing mother she is. Please visit her blog and write on your blog about her son. Please pray for this baby.

Thanks again for the award.

Month of March and where I have been

2009-04-01T13:12:00.005-04:00

It has been a month since I have blogged anything! I can’t believe how fast time flies by. Here is an update on what has been going on around our neck of the woods.
March was a hard month for me! The first weekend of March I woke up to get ready for a bridal shower. I had enough time to get in the shower and ready before my mom would be picking me up to go with her to the shower. My daily routine when I wake up is to go downstairs and get something to drink to take with me into the bathroom as I get ready. And if you really know me then you know that it is a Diet Coke that I am going after. I am not a coffee drinker and that is my wake up drink. So as I am walking down the steps I am noticing that I just don’t feel right. My ankles hurt my feet hurt my body is aching and it is painful to walk. I got my drink then went back upstairs. Again the steps were painful. I then tried taking off my wedding ring before getting into the shower and was unable to make the ring budge. I then got back into my bed. Jeff came up and I explained that I just did not feel good and that my muscles and joints were all very painful. I called my mom and ended up canceling on the shower. I then went back to bed. I slept until around 8 pm. When I got back up I walked down to see what my family was up to and try to spend time with them. It was then that we discovered that my arms, wrists, and feet were all swollen and that I had developed a rash on my arms. So we started going through our minds about a possible allergy. Had we used anything different in the home, had I eaten anything different in the past 24-36 hours? Again the answer was no. So I then took my temp and I was running a fever. To the point that I got down on the kitchen floor and felt better on the cool tiles. Jeff was then worried as I was. We called and made arrangements for the kids and he took me into the ER.

Once we arrived to the ER. I had blood tests drawn as well as and IV. I also had a spinal tap performed on my back. I was given pain meds that were helpful. It seemed strange to us all. At the ER we also spotted that the rash was now all over my butt, legs, and trunk. Long story short we went home with the diagnosis of this is a virus. I then worried about the kids and if they could get it and the answer was no.

I was just downloading photos and forgot that the kids brought me all their stuffed animals when I was in bed and then Gabby took some photos. So these photos are by a 3 year old that I did not know was taking pictures at the time. Jeff is trying to get my wedding band off in one pic.

The swelling on my arms and fingers was very uncomfortable and at times very painful. Never have I experienced something like this before. This was on a Saturday and the swelling was finally down and manageable o the point that on Wednesday I finally got my wedding band off, and was able to see bones in my hands again as well as put my other hands fingers around the opposite wrist.

So I start to feel better and am at the point of being so sick of lying in bed and resting. I was up in Gabby’s room one day a few days later and was on the phone and making her bed when I bent over the wrong way I guess and when I stood back up I noticed and felt something strange in my back.

This was my next ailment. This was so painful and I began worrying about disks in my back and if I did something to a disk. I then was back at the doctor’s office and was told that the muscles in my back were spasming. So I was given pain meds and muscle relaxers. I felt better a few days later with the muscle relaxers. I am to the point now that if I sit for a period of time my back will really hurt. It is still hurting but not to the degree that it was. It was a 10 and now I am about a 4. So I am still having problems.

After a week and a half of the back issue and pain and medications I was again so over being in bed and lying low. I then got into a big spring cleaning mode and have been cleaning out drawers, closets, and cupboards. We have been putting a ton of stuff away for a garage sale and also Jeff has been out of town the past few weeks. So now the month of March is over and I am ready for April and to hopefully be over the health issues.

… And back to blogging on a regular basis.

Favorite things swap!!

2009-03-10T18:37:00.007-04:00

***First off I apologize that I am late in blogging about my participation in the Mamarazzis favorite things Swap! I have been in bed primarily for the past 4 days with some weird virus… if that is even what this is that is ailing me.***

I signed up to be in my first swap ever and am so glad that I did. There was some confusion in the beginning being that I was in Florida and we were having email problems, but it all worked out and I was matched up with Steph over at And then there were 6. Steph and I have lots in common and it made this very easy!

My package arrived on Friday and the following are pictures of what all the goodies were inside.

All the goodies still in the box and wrapped up!

A note from Steph and everything out of the box.
Everything unwrapped. I am so excited to plant the flowers in Sam and Syd's garden.

Nail polish that Gabrielle was so excited about and we already painted her nails. Chocolate and brownie mix. YUM! I had to laugh at the Burt's Bee. Jeff loves and swears by the stuff. A great movie that I am excited to see again.

Thanks Steph! I love it all and it was fun to get mail from you. Actually fun to get GOOD, GREAT, EXCELLENT mail from you. :)

Photo Story Friday~ Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique~

2009-03-06T03:15:00.011-05:00

As many of you know when we went to Sanibel Island on vacation we also took a side trip to Disney. Orlando is about a 3 hour trip from Sanibel. We had an amazing time in Disney, although it never seems like enough time. Our trip to Florida was not really planned nor was a trip to Disney. (Meaning this was not a trip planned out months in advanced) My dad has a condo in Florida and he is also a Florida resident. I think sometimes he gets bored alone in Florida so he called me in January asking if the kids and I would want to go to Sanibel for a trip. Of course I jumped on the invitation and then decided since we were in Florida and the kids are at such great ages that a trip to Disney would be a wonderful idea!
Little Miss Gabrielle is three and a half. She loves everything dress up and princess. So when I was on the Disney website in late January making arrangements for a character dinner and came across the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique it seemed like a no brainer to me. What is this boutique? I am glad you asked. It is an amazing, creative, and fun experience for any little princess.
Below is copied from the website:
It's hard not to feel as happy as a princess in this charming little boutique, owned by Cinderella's Fairy Godmother and operated by Fairy Godmothers-in-training. The boutique offers multiple hair styles, nail color, make-up and a total package including Disney Princess costume and photographs.
Girls 3 years old and above can choose from 3 hair styles — Fairytale Princess, Disney Diva and Pop Princess — in 3 available packages:
• Coach Package includes hairstyling and shimmering makeup
• Crown Package includes hairstyling, shimmering makeup and nails
• Castle Package includes the Crown Package plus the Imaging Package (one 6" x 8" and four 4" x 6" photos in a princess-themed photo holder) and complete costume of your choice with accessories

I was so excited to do this for Gabrielle. This is how our princess experience went. We surprised Gabby and went to our appointment after lunch. After signing in the princess to be goes and chooses her gown and princess to become. Gabby chose Sleeping Beauty due to the fact that the dress is pink and so are the shoes! (Love that girl and her devotion to the color pink!!) She then goes back into the princess dressing room and puts on her princess dress. Then she sits in the princess salon chair. Because Gabby has short hair they made a very small pony tail at the top of her head giving her a “Pebbles” look. From there they used a head piece to create a bun and extensions of hair. She gets her nails painted as well as makeup put on her face. This all takes place by the Fairy Godmothers and the whole time she is called “Princess Gabrielle”.
ADORABLE!!! This was so much fun. Gabrielle LOVED it! It was so precious and I am just so happy that we were able to do this for her and at three years old when Disney is a magical place she could feel like a princess. I only wish they had this stuff when I was a kid!!

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Wordful Wednesday~ Siblings

2009-03-04T13:32:00.000-05:00

Lately these two have learned how to push each others buttons. For example, Joey has decided that he does not like to be called “Joe Joe” and since little sister knows this she will call him “Joe Joe” at just the right times to force a whining and crying reaction out of her big brother. To get her back he will then call her “G G” (Gabrielle Grace) this will then upset little sister. So this will go on back and forth until mom steps in and asks them both to knock it off.

But at the end of the day, we are brother and sister and we love each other very much!

Head on over to 7 clown Circus.. Sorry Angie I am having problems making the button show up and not cryptic text.

Our trip to Sanibel Island, Florida

2009-03-02T00:42:00.000-05:00

We are back from a wonderful trip to Sanibel! Joey, Gabrielle, and I spent nine days with my dad in Sanibel before Jeff joined us. Before Jeff joined us here is a list of some things we did:
*Swam in the pool
*Taught Joey how to swim without floaties! This was a big deal and after he got up the confidence he was so proud of himself and now LOVES to swim
*Walked the beach
*Made sand castles
*The kids were burying me feet in the sand one day as I watched 2 dolphins feed in the ocean
*Went to Ding Darling
*Ate at some wonderful places! We loved Grandma Dots and Island Pizza
*Shopped on Periwinkle

When Jeff joined us we spent time one day on Captiva and took a dolphin cruise. We also got alone time one night and went to see the movie “he’s just not that in to you”. On Wednesday I will be showing pictures from Disney! I am so excited for Wordful Wednesday this week. The best parts of our trip have to be spending time Papa, seeing Joey swim, and getting away from Ohio and the cold temperatures. Tomorrow it will be a high of 16 degrees F and I just can’t wait! (ß Kidding!) Now some photos from our trip…

Attempt at a family picture

My handsome little boy

Beautiful girl in her bathing suit

Mommy, Joey, & Gab... I got a little too much sun one day. Ended up getting sun poisoning on my chest.

Joey & Gab at Ding Darling

Joey swimming with Papa with no flotation assistance

Siblings!

5 years ago today

2009-02-17T01:08:00.000-05:00

~5 years ago today I dropped Joey off to stay with nana while I went to the doctors
~5 years ago today I walked into the hospital for my regular periantologist appointment alone
~5 years ago today I sat in a waiting room thinking my little girls were going to be just fine
~5 years ago today when I went into that appointment I was ready to start talking about going inpatient
~5 years ago today I peed in a cup per the nurse’s request
~5 years ago today I had my blood pressure taken and was weighed
~5 years ago today my nurse was listening for heart beats using the Doppler when she replied “your babies are so active, lucky you you get to have an ultrasound”
~5 years ago today the words that the nurse spoke never leave my mind
~5 years ago today that ultrasound showed the worst thing imaginable
~5 years ago today I learned that my precious identical twin daughters Samantha and Sydney had died in the womb
~5 years ago today I had the worst day of my life
~5 years ago today after my appointment I walked into a gas station with a big swollen 20 week + pregnant belly (Plus extra big belly from just giving birth to Joey 6 months prior to Joey) and bought a pack of cigarettes with tears streaming down my face
~5 years ago today I bought that pack of cigarettes and the man behind the counter looked at me like I was nuts and I looked at him and replied “It doesn’t matter they died”
~5 years ago today Jeff met me at my mom’s and we cried
~5 years ago today I was scared, naive, and in a state of shock that I was not thinking clearly on how to deal with this situation
~5 years ago today I went back to the hospital to start the induction process
~5 years ago today I was in the hospital making little progress (per doctors and nurses assessments) when I felt the need to push and gave birth to my little babies with a nurse, anesthesiologist and Jeff present
~5 years ago today I watched as my water never broke and suddenly I pushed one push and a sac broke on my bed and 2 tiny babies lied at my feet tangled in cords
~5 years ago today I was rushed for a D&C
~5 years ago today I learned that I am not in control
~5 years ago today I learned that pregnancy is a scary thing
~5 years ago today I learned that there are no guarantees
~5 years ago today I held 2 of the most beautiful babies in my arms
~5 years ago today I felt lost
~5 years ago today I felt like I would not be able to live with this kind of loss
~5 years ago today I wanted to die and be with my girls
~5 years ago today part of me died with my daughters
~5 years ago today I learned that I could love 2 babies for a lifetime, yet these were 2 babies I had never met
~5 years ago today I made mistakes in not demanding to see my babies, take photos of them and the importance for me in that part of the healing process
~5 years ago today I felt like a failure for not giving my husband the opportunity to be a dad to his little girls
~5 years ago today was the worst day of my life!!

Samantha and Sydney, my wish is that on this your 5th birthday you are having a beautiful time in Heaven. I imagine you with long hair and dancing. I LOVE you both more than words can express. I miss you terribly and wish I could see you smile, hear you laugh, and see how you would interact with one another. Would you have a twin bond? There are so many things I wonder about the two of you and I do look forward to the day I can hold you both in my arms forever.

Below is a letter that your daddy wrote. I posted mine a few days earlier. Happy Birthday! As we do every year we will be singing happy birthday to you tonight. I hope that you know we will never forget and we love you!

Mommy

Dear Samantha and Sydney,

I can’t believe that it’s been five years since you were born. In many ways, I try to put that painful day out of my mind – it’s just my way of coping with the loss. Actually, when your mom suggested I write this letter, I could tell by my inappropriate response (slightly angry) that this had stirred up some deep emotions that still have not totally settled. And then, the more I thought about it, writing this letter was a great idea. Oh, your mom is a wonderful lady. God knew what he was doing when He brought us together. We’re perfect for each other! She loves you very much! She may not admit to it, but one of the reasons she’s such a wonderful mom is because of these fantastic ideas she comes up with to express her love for you. She always amazes me with her ideas, and this is certainly another one of her brilliant ideas!

Before I continue rambling, I want you both to know something; not a day passes that I don’t think about you. I mostly think about what is going to be like when your mom and I finally meet you in heaven. I often think about what it would be like if you wouldn’t have died. There are days that I look into your brother and sister’s eyes and I ponder what your own unique personalities, talents, and skills God has given you; would you sing and dance with your sister Gabby, or would you play hide-and-seek with Joey? Would you let me paint your fingernails? I wonder how much more laughter would fill our house if you were here with us. I wonder how much more singing, or dancing would fill our home. I wonder if you would wrestle with me. I wonder if you would surprise me with special hugs and kisses when I come home from work.

I initially struggled with whether to write one letter or two, but then I realized that just writing this letter was a great step forward in the healing process. I also think about what it’s like for you in heaven; can you see us? Do you talk with Jesus? Are there angels watching over us now? How old are you in heaven? The older I get, the more I think about heaven, and the more questions I have for the Lord. I know your mom wants to now why He let you both die. And honestly, I’m not sure if we did have the answers that it would change anything. In my heart, I know that God is good and His purpose always works out for the best in His children’s lives. Nothing changes the fact that I’ll never get a chance to experience all of the special times that a daddy should have with his daughters. I must rest with the knowledge that you are with God. And someday Jesus is coming back to make this place the way it ought to be. So until the Lord calls me home or Jesus returns, I am going to love your Mom, brother, and sister. I’m going to be the best husband and father to them. And someday, when I make it home, I’m looking forward to the biggest homecoming ever!

Sam and Syd, I wish you both a Happy Birthday! I’m hoping the Lord has you adorned in the most beautiful white dresses imaginable.

All my love, Dad

Valentine's Day... 5 years ago

2009-02-14T22:49:00.000-05:00

The dates in February are the same that they were 5 years ago. 5 years ago today on Valentine’s Day we had dinner out with my family. After dinner we went back to my mom and dad’s house for dessert. When we were at my parent’s house I had my calendar out and was starting to schedule and pencil in where my immediate family would be in the coming weeks and month. We were 4 short weeks. 4 weeks from going inpatient. Seemed so close, but not close enough.

Sam & Syd

2009-02-08T22:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Samantha and Sydney~
I want to wish you both a very Happy 5th Birthday. As I sit here to write this letter I am in awe how fast 5 years have flown by and how some memories never fade, yet at the same time how my memory can forget things that happened last week.
There are millions of things that I want to say, experience, and share with the both of you. As your mom I hope that you know that a day does not pass that I do not think of the two of you and miss you, feel cheated, feel guilty, or wish that this was a horrible dream that I would wake up from. It is hard to think of you both as the separate individuals that you are as opposed to you both as one person. I have to remind myself that I did not get cheated out of one life, but two lives. Two babies, two people, two daughters, two sisters, two grandchildren that deserved to make their mark on this world. I had many dreams for you both while you were alive and well playing patty cake in the womb. I was most looking forward to the people that you would become and how you would interact with your not so much older brother and with each other.

5 years old. You both would be in preschool right now at New Hope with Joey and Gabs. You would probably share a bedroom and if you were anything like your younger sister you would be into playing dress up, dancing, singing, and terrorizing Max. If you were like your brother you would be into playing with Star Wars toys, playing the Wii, coloring, and soon be learning how to read. In the fall you would start your first year at Valley Christian in kindergarten and in just a few days you would be with mommy and Papa at the beach playing in the sand and swimming.

So cheated yes, we have been cheated. I do look forward to the day that I hold you in my arms and can love you and squeeze you. I want you both to know that we miss you terribly. That I will never forget you, and that you will always be loved, missed, and cherished by me. I will continue to keep you alive in my mind, body, and soul and to make sure that your siblings know that our family is not complete until the 6 of us are all reunited again in Heaven.

With many hugs, kisses, and LOVE,

Mommy

XOOOXOXO

P.S~ I hate that we have not been out to see you in so long. Reason number 10, 895 that I HATE that this happened, is because it is so COLD in February. That is why we feel close to you every time we look out our windows and see the statues in the garden. It makes me feel like you are always here.

~A Pair of Shoes~ 11 days away from our 5 Year Anniversary~

2009-02-05T03:20:00.000-05:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown.

Baby Fix Gabrielle Grace... Part II

2009-02-02T19:10:00.000-05:00

I know it is not her Birthday, but I am needing a baby fix in a big way!!! It is true though that once I let my mind remember the three high risk pregnancies, the many trips and admits to the ER/hospital, the loss of my sweet girls, and then the colic and post partum depression that I know that the decision for Jeff to have a vasectomy was the right one, but still... I miss babies. So now instead of a baby this is what is going on now with my BIG GIRL no longer a BABY. Even though she is my BABY she is just not a BABY. :(

Now instead of diapers, bottles, and making crafts out of her hand and footprints my BIG GIRL can now do this..

...and just like typical Gabrielle fashion she did this on her own on her terms. We have been working with her on writing her name. Either we would get two responses (1) "no, I don't want to" (2) She attempts for 5 seconds but really wants to not do this for mom, but will do for her Pre K teachers. Then this past weekend she wanted to color and she said "mom look" and I am so PROUD!!! We knew she could, it is just everything is on her terms!

And instead of conversations of singing to a baby or trying to quiet my youngest little girl with her constant colic and crying we now have conversations like this:

Not too long ago I was in the bathroom. In typical fashion someone ALWAYS walks in unannounced... this time it was Gabby. I was having my monthly visit from aunt flo and attempting to change Tampons. Gabrielle says "mom, what is that"? "A tampon" I reply and then as I open the new one she looks at it out of its package and says "Wow, that is pretty"! In a VERY excited voice. HMMM I had to think about that. A tampon as pretty. Functional or great invention are words I would use not PRETTY.

Gabrielle Grace I LOVE you and I AM SO PROUD of you. I love to listen to you sing, watch you dance and play dress up. You amaze me with your memory and I am so BLESSED beyond belief to be your mommy.

I LOVE YOU!!! XXOXOX

Just Need a Baby Fix~ Gabrielle Grace~

2009-02-02T01:04:00.000-05:00

She was the "cheesiest"thing I had ever seen!!! Minutes after birth

With mommy day 2 of life

... And then the real Gabrielle came forward and the colic began. It is then that I get my "baby fix" and remember the other reasons why we are done!

To be continued...

I have been reading so many new blogs and came across this tonight! It looks like fun and I would love to get more involved with other blogging moms/bloggers. So this is my first time participating in a swap and you can too!! Go check it out. We may swap with each other.

A Whole Evening Alone!

2009-02-01T12:53:00.000-05:00

For Christmas my sister gave Jeff and I 2 gift cards. 1 to the Cheesecake Factory and the other to Regal Cinemas. There was also a nice note in the gift stating that she would babysit so Jeff and I could have a date night! Great gift right?!

I was surprised to wake up yesterday and hear that arrangements were made and after 4:00 pm Jeff and I had the whole evening to ourselves. The kids were even spending the night with family.... WOW, this does not happen often that Jeff and I come home to a house with just the 2 of us.

So we went here:

and then here

and it was a great movie that I highly recommend!

Tuesday

2009-01-30T23:29:00.000-05:00

There are no words.... Please pray for this family. You can click on the button below to read all about Tuesday.

Random Letters

2009-01-26T12:35:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I am amazed at what my children know, yet I don’t know that they know they know these things. Gabrielle has been very interested in the alphabet and letters lately. Last week I was writing random letters down to see if she could tell me what they were.

Here is an example of our letter practicing:

Mommy makes a “T”

Gabby looks at it and says “Tyler”

I look at her confused and say” yes, Tyler does start with this letter, but what it the letter”?

Gabby shrugs shoulders and says “I don’t know”.

Mommy replies “T” and moves on to write an “I”

Gabby replies “Ian”

Again mommy is confused. Why is she saying names and not the letter?

Gabby then wants a new letter. Mommy makes an “H”

Gabby replies “Hope” but then does say “H”

Mommy then makes an “F”

Gabby replies “Faith”

Then it dawned on me. These are all kids in her preschool class. She can identify the first letter of many of these kid’s names. I was pretty impressed!

They grow up way to fast!

I'm still waiting....

2009-01-23T12:35:00.000-05:00

As a person who likes some things in life to be perfect, I am still waiting for that perfect picture of my two children together.
I mean a photo with both my cuties looking at the camera,
smiling,
legs down,
underwear NOT showing,
eyes open,
arms and hands in place,
a perfect photo is all I want.
A photo to frame.
In years past we have done the mall thing to do Christmas cards. I have had such bad experiences. Meaning two kids won’t stand next to each other or sit next to each other without fighting or crying. So since Gabrielle’s birth the entire photos end up being a good shot not perfect of Joey by himself and then a good shot of Gabby by herself and then finding a card with two frames and blending the card to one. It works but I still want that perfect shot. A shot with my two kids together and looking happy, one with Gabrielle’s beautiful dimple showing. One with Joey displaying a natural and not forced smile.
Well I have to tell you that mama is still waiting….

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

Wordful Wednesday~ President Barack Obama

2009-01-21T01:00:00.001-05:00

If you have been reading my blog for the months before the election than you would know that I am a Republican and I voted for John McCain. The night that the election was decided Jeff was out of town and the kids were asleep as I watched alone the electoral votes come in and soon the winning of Barack Obama as our next President of the United States of America. As I listened to his victory speech I began to feel not so let down that McCain had lost the election. I also sat and was so happy for all of the African Americans who now felt like an equal and felt their emotion as I watched many people with tears rolling down their faces. I soon changed my attitude towards the 44th President and knew that as an American it was time to embrace this change in our country as well as the emotions of so many people who felt that never in their life time would they see an African American become President.
January 20th 2008 was a historic day! This is a day that I never want to forget. I love when our country feels excited and together. I love when you can feel the patriotism and feelings of happiness to be an American. I watched the inauguration from start to finish. I have had tears roll down my face today. I am proud to be an American and I am going to stand behind our new President, because to me I feel that is what being an American is all about. I may not have voted for him, but I believe that no matter what your skin color is and no matter if you consider yourself a democrat or a republican that the President of the United States is someone to respect and honor. I hope that as a country we can respect not only the President but also each other no matter our skin color or religious beliefs.

So today for wordful Wednesday I want to show some of my favorite photos from the past 24 hours! There are many more, but these are not my photos and they were not easy to copy. My favorite is seeing all the people in Washington DC to watch Obama be sworn in as President.

A Heat Wave, A book review, and A movie Review!

2009-01-19T17:33:00.000-05:00

It is a heat wave!!! Today the temperature got up to 22 degrees! Woo hoo. They even closed schools last Friday after our very low and zero degree temperatures. My niece enjoyed a day with no school.

I know I am late to get on the bandwagon, but if you have not read any of the Twilight series books and have thought about it here is my take. First I love fiction more than nonfiction. I tend to read more fiction. With that being said I DO NOT enjoy Science fiction what so ever. I avoid science fiction at all costs. I am guessing that Twilight falls under fiction, but it took me some convincing by others to give the book (s) a try. I first started hearing about the books in November. My cousin, sister in law, and hair dresser all read the books. They all urged me to read them. I was very reluctant due to the fact that when I heard about vampires I thought this is not for me. I won’t enjoy this type of book. I ended up asking Jeff for Twilight for Christmas. I had the book sitting on the counter and read the other book he got me Jon & Kate plus 8. (I really liked the book... I love the show too) Anyways, I let a few more days pass and picked up Twilight and began reading. I was unable to put it down. I was not put off by the “vampire” part of the book. I was intrigued and ended up reading the book very fast and staying up into the wee hours of the morning to finish. I did then go on to the last three books and I have to say that I really. Really. Really. Enjoyed the books. So if you are looking for something to read that is entertaining I do suggest the Twilight series!

Now I did then go and see the movie with my cousin. This is the first time that I have done a book series and then seen the movies. I have to admit that this was a BAD route! I should have just stuck with the books and skipped the movie. After the books I wanted more Bella and Edward. Wrong move on my part. The movie I give a c- maybe even a D. I was disappointed in the movie in so many ways. First off the acting by the MAIN Character BELLA (Kristen Stewart) was HORRIBLE! If I was the writer (Stephenie Meyer) I would be embarrassed by the fact that her main character in her wonderful books was acted out by an actress that looked bored, like she was speaking her lines with no emotion or feeling, and that she just looked out of place. Sounds so harsh, but it was so HARD to watch when you LOVED the book and wanted so much more from the movie.
Other things about the movie that bothered me were there were things from the book that were left out. I mean good parts of the book! Then the producers of the movie added their own pieces to the movie that never happened in the book. For example in the book Bella’s dad never gives her mace. In the movie they show mace at least 2-3 times and make it out to be more than it needed to be and it NEVER happened in the book.

So all in all if you want a good read I do suggest the Twilight series and I would really skip the movie and keep $7.50 in your pocket!

Am I the only one that read the books and was REALLY disappointed in the movie?

Wordful Wednesday- Vacation ~ Sanibel Island, Florida

2009-01-14T11:36:00.000-05:00

Angie, over at 7 Clown Circus started this. It is for those of us that can't post a picture for "wordless Wednesday" and not talk about the photo!

This photo was taken in Florida... on an island... This is Sanibel Island, Florida. I am blessed in many ways and for me Sanibel is a BLESSING!! This is the place to go to relax, swim, enjoy the ocean, see wildlife, watch beautiful sunsets, shell, etc. This is also the place that Jeff and I got married. On the beach in barefeet.

I got a surprise phone call from my dad who invited the kids and I down to Sanibel with him. We are so looking forward to going. Right now outside it is SNOWING. The temperature is maybe 8 degrees. We can't wait to see the sun and enjoy the warmth. We are also going to SURPRISE the kids and go to Disney World!! I am so excited. Please don't tell my kids... I also found online that at Disney they have a little boutique for girls. They make the girls into a princess of their choice. Gabrielle is now at an age that she loves to dress up and I am so excited to see her face when I tell her that she gets to have her hair done, nails done, be pampered, and DRESS LIKE a Princess... What fun!

Picture Time! Kalahari

2009-01-10T00:04:00.000-05:00

The Botvinnik & Zapp Families ~Sammy, Joey, Jeff, Laurie, Gabby, Bianca, Alex, and Nicky

Here is the water park... (above)

2 Swimmers ready (Joey & Nicky)

At dinner one night both Nicky & Joey won a coloring conest! How cool that they both won!!!

The floor was open for dancing and Gabrielle went up and got her groove on!

The menorah

Sammy... Is he not the cutest little thing!

On the last night we ended up giving Joey Benadryl. He was having a reaction I believe to the chlorine. Here he is about 10 minutes after taking the Benadryl. I was waiting for the Front desk to bring up clean sheets after I discovered something nasty all over the sheets. I hope it was not there the first night we all slept in the bed. Yuck! As soon as they came we put my little prince into bed.

Traditions, a new year, and our holiday memories

2009-01-07T17:34:00.000-05:00

It is amazing to me how fast time goes by and it is now the beginning of January. I have so much blogging to catch up on, stories to share as well as photos. The middle of November up until now the time got away from me and we were doing so much and going from one activity to the other. This is the first year that it really did not seem like Christmas to me as well as some of our normal holiday traditions did not occur and new ones took over.

In our family it is tradition that we put up our Christmas tree as a family the weekend after Thanksgiving. I actually spent Thanksgiving alone this year due to be sick with the flu. I did stop over at my mom’s house where everyone was for maybe an hour but did not last long and it was also apparent that everyone was afraid to catch my illness. So I returned home to a quiet home and my laptop. This year Jeff put up the Christmas tree alone. The kids were in bed and I was either sick or too busy with Ebay to try to help. It was so nice that he put the tree up and hung the lights on the tree as well as doing some decorating to the mantle and our house. The next day the kids were very excited to add ornaments to the tree and they did not want help as the placed the majority of the ornaments on the bottom of the tree as this was as high as they could reach. They wanted no help and putting the ornaments higher or spreading them out was not an option. Our tree remained this way and it was a reminder whenever I looked at it to the day that the kids decorated it. All on their own.

I sold on eBay from September through December. I still have a few auctions going and may continue into February. I am proud to say that I made more than last year(which was my goal) and it is always a relief when I know that Christmas is paid for and we are now not in debt from buying our loved ones gifts. I sold more than I ever have and I was busier than I ever imagined I would be from buying, listing, packing, shipping, and returning. Jeff helped in making trips to the Post office or the UPS drop off location. For that I was grateful. On a few occasions when I had many things to ship he even helped me with packaging items for shipping.

Jeff continued to be a major rock for our family to allow me computer time or time out buying especially in the evenings when I could go alone without kids. It is always hard to sell “hot” toys and take 2 kids into stores like Toys R Us or Target and not have them want everything I am buying. He was also busy with working and transitioning his clients to someone new and getting information for the new territory he will be working in. I am very blessed to have a husband that is so helpful at home and with the kids. I can’t stress upon how busy eBay selling really is, especially with the volume of items I was selling. Laundry often goes to a last priority as does making dinner.

Joey and Gabrielle enjoyed the school parties, holiday parties, and the excitement as we waited for Santa to come. We did a new tradition in our family. We bought an Advent book as well as an Advent Lego set that was a welcomed event in the evenings before bed. The book has a story for every night leading up to Christmas. It was a fun book and had some messages that I hope the kids will remember.
For anyone that knows Gabrielle you would know that she is ALWAYS either singing or talking. She also enjoys dancing and dressing up. She was very excited to sing in her first (of many we think) Christmas concerts. She did an amazing job. At the age of three she knew every word and hand movements to all the songs taught to her at school. She and Joey were placed next to each other during the concert. Joey would sing the song if it was one that he liked. Gabby on the other hand sang every note to every song. I was so proud of both of them, but also very excited for Gabby. Being the younger sibling she has often sat through these before watching Joey. Now that it was her time up on stage she was definitely a star of the show.

As much as I wish that we were baking cookies and doing craft projects as we got closer to Christmas there was really no time. We did take the kids on a Sunday to the Disney on ice show. I love to watch the kid’s expressions when their favorite people Mickey, Lightning McQueen, or Tinker bell are right in their reach. We had fun and memories were made.

Christmas Eve this year was different in that we did not go to church. This is the first time in many years that I did not go to church on Christmas Eve. Felt a bit weird and out of the norm. We were blessed in a different way this year. This year Jeff’s Dad (Pops or Papa John) and his girlfriend (Dee) came and spent the night at our home. It was nice to have them and let them experience Christmas with us. I sure hope he enjoyed it and enjoyed experiencing watching his grandkids experience what Santa left behind. Maybe this flooded him with memories of his own kids in Christmas past. We loved having the time with Pops. I am hoping maybe he will make this a new tradition with us and I would love to throw church back into the mix.

The day after Christmas we did again something that is new and not tradition, in years past we just hung out at home and had family time. This year we met up with our friends that live in Chicago. We met them at Kalahari a water park that is in Sandusky, Ohio. We spent our time swimming, playing games, video games, hanging out laughing and talking. We also all got experience Hanukkah. Ever night the Botvinnik (Alex, Bianca, Nicky, and Sammy) family lit the menorah and celebrated Hanukkah. Every night also we had to remind Gabrielle that she is not to blow out the candles that were placed in the menorah. Although we as families practice different religions and celebrate in different ways there is a respect there for both methods and is never a topic of discussion or feeling like one way is right and the other is wrong. I have nothing but love for the Botvinnik family.

As the year closed I did reflect on some of the changes and events that occurred in 2008. We are no longer a family that is weighted down by bottles, diapers, wipes, Sippy cups, and entertainment toys for babies/toddlers. We no longer have a member of our family in a diaper or crib. We all now sit on the potty and have a big comfy bed to sleep in. This is sad in some ways to me that there will be no more babies, but in other ways the freedom we have now is exciting at the same time. We will be welcoming a new baby in May (my brother and sister –in-laws first child) I am more than thrilled to be an aunt again and look forward to getting some baby fixes and then returning that said baby and going home to a night of uninterrupted sleep. We don’t know the sex of this baby and it looks like it will be a surprise to even the expecting parent’s but with that being said I have reoccurring dreams that it is a girl… Sorry guys!
We also have now entered a time with both kids in school. This of course lingers in my mind that my stay at home time is coming to an end and it is time for a real job again. Not that being a stay at home mom is not a real job, because any of us that do it know that it is a very hard demanding job that never ends and has many challenges at the same time it is also a very important job that has many rewards not only for the parent but for the child/children too. Family time and vacations are now going to be revolving soon around a kindergartner. In the fall of 2009 my first born will be experiencing real school as well as learning how to read and learn in a way that he has never been challenged before.
2009 also brings the realization that almost 5 years now have passed since giving birth to our stillborn daughters Samantha and Sydney. It is amazing how fast 5 years have flown by and how memories and images seem to stay so fresh while other images and memories seem to feel like they never happened. I am just in awe when I say or think the words 5 years! For almost 5 years now 2 very important and loved babies who share my DNA have remained a very close part of who I am. Not that I feel like I should forget or not feel that way, but they remain a constant and as I know I have moved on in some ways I think I need to reflect in other ways how I have been unable to live and be happy. Hard to talk about but I am hoping that in 2009 I am able to work on some own questions that I have been letting surface and how I can move on and be a happier person and a better person as well.

I am hoping that in 2009 I can work on answering questions like “what do I want”, “what makes me happy” as well as making time for me and allowing myself to be a priority. In that there are things that I need to work on. Exercise, diet, losing the baby fat, as well as two habits that I need to break. I am also hoping to work on becoming healthier spiritually as well as physically and mentally. I also have some motivation for weight loss in that I will be the matron of honor in my cousin’s wedding in July.

Some memories of 2008:
*Going to Sanibel with the Botvinnik family in March
*Hawaii alone with Jeff in May
*Watching the kids grow
*Gabrielle starting preschool
*Joey’s success in soccer and t-ball

I have many photos that need to be down sized and then uploaded which I will work on soon. Hoping all of you have a happy healthy 2009 and I look forward to getting back into blogging.

Who will win?? Did you vote?

2008-11-04T17:22:00.000-05:00

Jeff is out of town…again and today I was a bit nervous at the thought of taking both kids with me when I went to vote. Last Friday Jeff went and voted early at the courthouse and waited for THREE hours!! So I had that in the back of my mind as well as two kids and waiting for THREE hours. It turns out that we waited about 20 minute’s tops and it was no big deal… Did you remember to vote? I guess that is a dumb question. With all the media attention given to this who could forget that today was voting day.
Here is a funny story to share. When I put the kids to bed they always have the same 2 questions. “What did we do today?” and “What are we doing tomorrow.” So we recap the day’s activities and then talk about what they have to look forward to the following day.
Last night Joey and I talked about the campaign “race” and that we would watch the “race” today but tomorrow during the conversation. When we got home from voting I turned on the news and Joey was excited because he wanted to watch too. He then kept asking me when they were going to get to the “race”. I said the votes have not all been counted yet. We will know more tonight. He said “no the race” and then it hit me. He thought Obama and McCain would physically be going out and racing each other! He is TOO CUTE FOR WORDS. When I told him they would not be racing a running race. He then decided it was time to turn off the news he was done. By the way he predicted Obama would win a running race and I would have to agree.

Halloween Past & Present

2008-11-02T01:43:00.000-04:00

Joey's Halloween costume from 2006 above

Gabrielle 2008! This was at her school. They dressed up and sang for the parents

2008

Gabrielle, Joey, & Jocelyn 2008

Joey 2008~ He is a clone trooper. We learned early on don't call that boy a storm trooper, there is a big difference?!?

Joey & Gabby 2007

Joey first time ever trick or treating

Gabby's first Halloween~ She was 4 months in this picture. Makes me miss babies!!

Thought it would be fun to show some pictures of Halloween past and Halloween present. If you get a chance after viewing my kids Halloween costumes this year, then go check out http://our-munchkins.blogspot.com/ to view what Laura's kids were for Halloween. Too funny!

Do you know what day it is?

2008-10-22T17:16:00.000-04:00

Looks like I need to change a number in my blog profile from 33 to 34.

Happy Birthday to me.

Saturday 10-18 part II! Fall fun

2008-10-19T23:40:00.000-04:00

After going to Joey’s new school we went home for some lunch and meet up with our neighbors (Keith, Jen, and Jocelyn). We went together to a farm. Every year I have the same thoughts when it turns fall. That is that I wish there was a place that we could take the kids that would have numerous activities for children and families to enjoy the leaves, pick pumpkins, go for a hay ride etc. One night I spent a lot of time on the computer trying to find a place that would be different and fun. Up until now our yearly outing would be to go to a place that is decorated a bit and pick out a pumpkin. As far as fun things to do that are fall/ Halloween and family oriented we have never found the perfect place. Anyways I was talking to my neighbor and she told me about a place that she has been to and a place that she really enjoyed. I was really excited. The place that we went to was about 40-45 minutes from our home. Our neighbors have a little girl that as it turns out is 3 days older than Gabrielle. They have become best buddies. It was a wonderful time!! This place was amazing! The leaves and colors on the trees were gorgeous, not only was there face painting, pony rides, tee-pees, slides, horse drawn carriage rides, tractor rides, apple picking, pumpkin picking, trails in the woods, a huge place for kids to run around that was filled with hay that you could pick up and have little “snow ball fights” with, walking on stilts, slides, play areas, and a corn maze X2!!! I am probably missing some things too. It was well worth the drive and a blast. I urge you to look up farms in your area to see if they do fun things. We will definitely be going back yearly. Before I show all the pictures I have to tell you all this too….

Some of you may be surprised to know that this city girl has never been this close to corn or in a corn maze. Look at my face when viewing the corn!! Jeff thought it was hilarious. It was also a chilly day! We came home and I did it... I turned the heat on! That time of year again!! :(

Part I of our Saturday

2008-10-18T23:51:00.000-04:00

Today we all got up early for a day filled with family, friends, and fun. We started our day by going to an orientation for Valley Christian Academy. (http://www.valleychristian.com/) This is the school we have chosen for our kids to start attending for Kindergarten and beyond. Jeff and I both went to public schools. We currently live not even five minutes from the city I grew up in. When we bought this house and started having kids we started to become concerned with the city schools for the district and city we live in. Jeff really expressed a great desire for our kids to go to a Christian private school. I have to say that after going to the open house today I am totally sold on this school. I am so excited for Joey to start attending this school next year.
Here were some things that I found to be very impressive. One of the speakers this morning was the principal of the school. I found that to be totally neat. I remember growing up and thinking about our principal. First of all she looked mean; secondly it was put into your head that her office was a place that if you went there you were in big time trouble, third was always the fear of the “paddle”. In contrast today we saw and met one of the kindest and gentlest people I have ever met. They want kids to go to her office. A teacher may send a child to her office if for example they get an A on a paper, they do a great job reading aloud, or they spell their name correctly. Then when they go to her office they can get stamps, stickers, or as she says “do a happy dance” together. She then goes on to say if there is a situation where for example a child hit another child, they calmly talk about it. They discuss consequences and how to treat others. Love that. So she is not a person to be feared at all, but a person to confide in and to become friends with. You can tell by the way she talks that she loves her job and the kids. She then went on to talk about how all kids learn differently. If they find that a child is learning on a different level there is no holding that child back or the other kids that are excelling on a skill back. They simply do other things and try different ways to teach the child that learns different or is falling behind in a loving manner. I LOVE that too.
Other bonuses:
They have a computer lab!!! The kids in kindergarten yes, kindergarten know how to save files, learn Microsoft, and excel, can make spread sheets by the time they go to second grade.
They have music where they learn notes and have the opportunity to learn instruments
By the time the kids enter first grade they can READ!!! Some kids in this class right now are on a fourth grade reading level!!
I could go on and on. Jeff and I had three other families come up to us and out of nowhere tell us how much they love the school and how the school has changed their lives and their kids lives.

Update on our kids. Joey is doing really well at school this year. (Preschool) He is still occasionally having speech issues. I talked with the lady at VCA today and the day that they do kindergarten registration the lady that does it is a speech therapist. If they pick up problems in that first meeting they flag it and he can get individual attention at VCA
Gabby is amazing! This child is very intelligent. (They both are Joey just does not share as much about what he knows unless he is quizzed) She comes home and is singing CONSTANTLY even when she should be eating. I think I may have a singer on our hands. She loves preschool and after watching her today I think she is ready for kindergarten too… 2 more years for her. She had a ball today at the new school.
As a parent I am just very excited for our kids and the decision that we made to send them both to VCA.

Saturday part 2 to follow tomorrow I promise! I promise to visit all of your blogs tomorrow also.

Where have you been?

2008-09-30T13:46:00.001-04:00

I have been such a BAD blogger and I apologize to you that I have not been leaving comments on your blogs. I promise to be back soon. You all know that both kids are in school now. I have been trying to now figure out what to do with my time and have been working on my resume. I have sent out my resume (it is now via e-mail) to various hospitals for RN jobs. One hospital that I applied to four of the different job positions e-mailed me back stating “after careful consideration they gave the job to someone else”. In my resume I was upfront and stated that for the past 5 years I have been a stay at home mom. If they put two and two together they know that I quit my last job as a RN 5 years ago when I was pregnant with Joey and had all the complications to be a stay at home mom. I guess I don’t blame the people in charge for wanting to go with a RN right out of school and one that has no ties to a family and kids. I still have two hospitals that I applied for. It has been over two weeks now and have not heard from them.
On the other side all my readers and nonfamily members may be surprised to know that I am an eBay powerseller. I do a lot of research and know what is hot and go find those things to list on eBay. Last year around Christmas time I made a pretty nice profit that was helpful for Christmas and when Jeff and I went to Hawaii. This can be like a job and can be time consuming at the same time once things are listed and if you are able to sell the same thing multiple times then there is not a lot of work involved. Like everything in life it has its good points and bad. I am good at selling on eBay and I do really enjoy it. I enjoy the high of going into a store and being on the hunt for something and then finding it. I also love to send people mail. One of my favorite things to do is get mail. I ship fast. If you buy something from me it will be out of my house on 12 hours maybe before. I have even slept out for things I am on the hunt for. Last year I spent many nights outside for the Nintendo Wii. Yes, I am one of those crazy people you see on television. It really can be fun though. Being around other adults. Last year I met a couple that was married and also selling for extra money for Christmas. This guy was a genius and knew how to hook up some sort of heater to his van. So I would talk to him and know where he would be for free heat. If you are wondering I probably sold over 50 wii systems last year. As for the kids they would be with Jeff. Sometimes Jeff would also go and the kids would stay with my parents that way we would get two. The wii was pulling in a profit of $ 100.00 a Wii last year.
So again I have been busy buying, selling, researching, and listing. This is what I do and something I enjoy. There are many people who would say I hoard toys. To that I just say this; I stay at home with my kids. One family income with the way the economy is today and the life style we live is not enough. This is something I can do to help provide for my family as well as be home with the kids, pick my kids up from school, and go to sporting events. Either way I look at this as a job. I also know that if I did get hired tomorrow for a RN job that I would see my kids a lot less. I am still looking for a RN job, just not as aggressive as before. I want to sell again through Christmas and then try to get a RN job in January.

I have a little widget in my sidebar. My eBay seller name is Bluecakes22. Please remember me if there is anything you are looking for.

9-11-2001

2008-09-11T00:05:00.001-04:00

My thoughts and prayers are with all those that lost loved ones 7 years ago today.

9-11-01 changed many people and their lives. Mine included.

My heart goes out to all of those who will be reliving this anniversary of a loved ones death.

Days like today are never easy.

I will never forget this day and how brave so many American men and women were on this day 7 years ago.

Thank you to all of our troops for our freedom.

God bless all of you.

Wordful Wednesday

2008-09-10T12:11:00.000-04:00

Angie began Wordful Wednesday and today I am going to give it a try.

We were getting the kids ready for bed. We sent them upstairs to brush their teeth and put on their pajamas while Jeff and I finished up a few things. We then heard the water to the bath tub starting. Neither of us said it was a bath night, but one of our children had different plans. I began and Jeff helped looking for bunny before going upstairs to get the kids to bed. I could not find bunny and I was worried about the kid in the tub. So I went upstairs to ask where bunny might be hiding and I pulled back the shower curtain and saw this. I then sent Jeff up with the camera.

What would you have done?

2008-09-09T14:43:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life situations present themselves and I for one don’t know how to handle them. So I was wondering what you would have done had this been you.
I was at the grocery store looking at all the fattening, delicious, yummy desserts trying to pick out the right one for Jeff’s birthday. I could not decide if I should do a traditional cake or something a bit fancier like the turtle cheesecake, or peanut butter cup cake, or Oreo cake. I was deciding what cake to purchase when the lady behind the counter began sneezing. One sneeze after another until she sneezed into her hands FIVE times. I waited to see if she was going to go WASH her hands or put on clean gloves or sanitize herself in any way. She chose not to. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of her touching anything that I would be putting into my mouth and my family as well. So I politely told her I changed my mind. I walked over to the premade cakes and watched as the next person walked up to the bakery and made a purchase. I know that this lady did not wash her hands before helping this next customer. I don’t want to be the germ police, but isn’t this common sense???

So should I have asked her to wash her hands and then put on gloves? Would you have walked away too? What would you have done?

Week in review

2008-09-05T01:00:00.001-04:00

This past week has been a crazy one!! Last Friday we left our home and went and spent the weekend up in Madison, Ohio with Jeff’s dad. The reason for our stay was for Jeff’s 20th year class reunion. I admit that I was not looking forward to the reunion. I tend to get anxious, quiet, and nervous in situations where I know no one and am forced into large crowds of people. Times like this I wish I was a drinker, but alcohol and I do not mix. We went to the high school football game on Friday night and then to a bar that was popular. I met a lot of Jeff’s old friends from high school. The following day we took the kids to Lake Erie and they played in the sand and we watched the water. That evening was the big reunion at Quail Hollow. It ended up being a nice
evening.
I want to say “Thank you” to Papa John and his girlfriend Dee Dee for taking such good care of our kiddos. The weekend ended with a family reunion at one of Jeff’s Aunt’s homes. It was a nice time. The kids really enjoyed themselves. We then went home on Monday. The kids were back to school on Wednesday and later Wednesday evening we went to the airport to pick up Jeff’s mom. “Oma” will be staying with us for a few weeks. It is always fun when she is here. The kids love her and love spending time with her. Wednesday and Thursday evening have been devoted to the Republicans… I will leave that alone. I think we all know where I stand now.

Tonight we celebrated Jeff’s 38th birthday. He really had his Birthday on August 31st, but because we have been so busy we celebrated it again tonight.

I have been blessed with a fabulous husband. He is truly a gift from God. He and I have been through many tough times in our 6 years of marriage. I think that together we can weather any storm. The loss of our daughters was very difficult for me and also for Jeff, but it also in ways put some distance between us. Grieving is a difficult thing. Especially when there is also a baby (Joey) that needed to be taken care of. Being a stay at home mom has made finances hard at times, but again through talking, loving, and good communication we have made it. We always say “you are stuck with me”, there will be no divorce. Not only is Jeff an amazing caring, kind, hardworking, dedicated husband he is also an out of this world dad. Hearing the excitement of my kids when he walks in the door at night is one of the greatest sounds. He loves our children, provides for them, cares for them, teaches them, disciplines them, and most of all is very dedicated and hands on with them.
I love you Jeff and we wish you a very Happy Birthday!!!

Palin

2008-09-04T00:38:00.001-04:00

Did you watch her tonight?? She was impressive! She could give Mrs. Clinton a run for her money. I am so GLAD that she is on my side. LOVE her... LOVE her!!! I promise I will stop with the politics.

2008-08-29T12:18:00.000-04:00

It has taken me a few weeks to get a chance to reply to these questions. I know that you have all been waiting on pins and needles for the answers. So here are my responses.
Mamageek asked “Do you think you will be blogging 5 years from now”? She also asked “what actor makes you swoon”? Before I post the answers let me say something about Mamageek. Go to her site!! Yes, that is an order. She has the most amazing pictures that she takes with her camera! Every time I go to her site I am speechless, in awe, and ask how does she do that? You will NOT be disappointed. I only wish she would (A) teach me her tricks, (B) come to Ohio and do a photo shoot of my family, and (C) sell her work because I think she could make some serious cash.

The first answer is Yes, I think and I hope to be blogging in 5 years from now. I like blogging for a variety of reasons. I like “talking” to others and “hearing” about others lives with children. When I read that others have hard days with their children it makes me feel not so alone in this big world. I also like to know that things my kids are doing are typical and age appropriate behavior. Another reason that I enjoy blogging is because it is an easy way to stay connected with friends and family. My mother-in-law lives in Florida, so I like knowing that she can jump on her computer and see updated photos of her grandkids. My parents travel a lot so it is easy for them to stay connected as well. ** Although both my parents and mil need to start leaving comments** {HINT. HINT} The last reason I like blogging is for my kids. This is a great journal of their lives growing up.

This picture says it all...

Jamie over at “The Heiner Clan” is the mom to four. Bless her is all I can say. She is one busy mommy. She has adorable twin daughters and two handsome little boys. She asked the following questions “So you’ll be working as an RN, I assume”. “How long did you do that before”? “Do you like it”? “What is the best money you’ve ever spent”?

Yes, you assumed right. I would be going back into nursing. I worked in Seattle for about 5 months on a Trauma/ Surgery floor before we moved back to Ohio. I then worked in Ohio in the MICU/SICU for over a year before having complications with Joey’s pregnancy which led to bed rest and then becoming a stay at home mom full time. When you put the amount of “experience” together that I have as a RN it is not much. I always wanted to be a mom and I achieved that. The next most important thing to me was that I was home with my kids. I did not want to miss anything and we are fortunate enough that I was able to stay home for the past 5+ years.
Yes, I do like nursing. I have had days over the past five years where I have missed it. I also though am very nervous and anxious at the thought of going back. In nursing school I was either in class, at clinical, or home studying nursing. I feel like I have forgotten everything I have learned. I also have lost a lot of skill. Let’s face it I have not started an IV or done a blood draw in over 5+ years. That frightens me. I also DO NOT take the responsibility of my patient’s life for granted. I am in charge of keeping them safe and helping them recover. The last thing I would want is to cause harm to another. I wish there was a refresher course. Or it may be like getting on a bike after not riding one for 10 years and just knowing how to peddle the bike and keep it from falling over. We will see.

As for the best money we have ever spent. This has been a tough question for me. I think I would have to say our home, but at the moment we are paying the bank monthly and do not own the house yet. I LOVE our home even though Jeff and I have about 5 things we would change about it. For me it is the home that I conceived four children, we brought two of those children here to raise, this is Jeff and my first house, and it holds all of our memories minus Seattle and Kent from the past 8 years we have been together. We were also the first people to ever be in this home and make this new empty house a HOME that has character, love, blessings, and family.

Look for more answers to these great questions in the coming days.

I have no words...

2008-08-28T23:17:00.000-04:00

Please take a moment and view the video I came across.

Only tears of joy

2008-08-27T09:37:00.001-04:00

I could say a lot about this post. For example,
Two lunches- PACKED
Two kids dressed for school- DONE
Two kids at preschool- ACCOMPLISHED
One mom at home with a quiet house- PRICELESS

I could tell you a story of a mom being home crying because both of her kiddos are at school and there are no babies in my house to care for, but I would be lying. The truth is I am overjoyed. There are no tears of sorrow only tears of joy. I am so excited for Gabrielle today. She has been so stoked for her first day of school. She wants to be a big girl and be like her brother. She has felt a bit left out because she has not been old enough or potty trained to go to school in the past. She jumped out of bed this morning with a smile on her face. We had to wake her up (Joey, Jeff, and myself) all went into her room to arouse the sleeping beauty and tell her she had to get up for her first day of school. She was happy to pee on the potty, get dressed, and get her HAIR done (believe it or not) for her first day. In typical Gabrielle fashion she even gave us her signature smile/ funny faces for the camera.

Joey is not pictured. He was unwilling to smile, stand with his lunch box, or even look at the camera. This is his last year of preschool. Next year will be his big year.

As for mom… I am going to enjoy the day. I have a whole list of things I could do like laundry, cleaning, organizing, work on my resume, look for a job, but first I think I may go back to bed.

**Notice- bunny got to go to school too. You may also notice that bunny got into some nail polish. When will bunny learn??

It is finally done!!!! Bathroom remodel completion!

2008-08-25T00:18:00.000-04:00

We went from a Smurf blue color to a calming Desert color. Remember Angie was kind enough and gave me the name of a paint color called "Gobi Desert"? It turns out that this color went very well with the wallpaper in the foyer, it matched the towels I chose, and Jeff liked it!!! Thanks so much Angie. This project took us a little over a month to complete, but it is now DONE!! I am thrilled.

What would you change???

2008-08-21T20:44:00.000-04:00

So I have been thinking lately about some aspects of my body and things that I would change if I could. Some of these things I do have control over, like my weight and the extra 10-15 pounds I am carrying around on me from pregnancies, but some of these things I am unable to change, because well that is just the way I was made. So I have a list of the things that I wish I could change. The number one thing on the list is what I wish I could change most.

5. My weight. I would love to be back into the size I was the day that I got married. I would love to not feel so self conscious about my waist and the extra skin that hangs there and most of all not hear my kids say “mommy your belly is big.” This definitely needs to be worked on. Maybe when the kids are both at school I can get back to the gym.

4. My nose. I feel like when viewed as a side profile my nose is rather large. Once I was walking up stairs during late night hours and I got a glimpse of some sort of shadow that actually scared me. Then I realized it was my nose of all things.

3. I was born with very stubby fingers. I do not have long slender fingers by any means. This proved to be difficult when picking out engagement rings.

2. Hair!!! Not only do I have very thick hair so thick in fact that it is not uncommon for me to be at the hair dresser for three hours for high lights and cuts, but I also have hair in not so feminine places that drives me crazy. Take for example the hair on my upper lip that I have to have waxed off or the hair on my chin. Speaking of my chin right under my chin is a mole and out of this mole grows a thick single hair! I pluck this little sucker at least once every week to week and a half. I have often wondered what will happen when I am old. Will my kids know to come pluck this hair for me? Sometimes I think that I should let it grow and see how long I can get it. If I do that I may be able to use it to wash grime out of pans as opposed to using a bristle pad.

And the number one thing I wish I could change

1. My feet!!! Remember my stubby fingers, well my feel need to come in a category called WIDE LOAD BELOW. This is very hard for a girl that LOVES shoes!!!! Talk about impossible when finding shoes to go with the perfect outfit. Even if you don’t have wide feet sometime when you are out ask if they have that shoe in a wide. Or where the wide shoes are. The limited shoes they show you that do come in wide I promise will be butt ugly. Seriously though this is hard. As I said before I LOVE shoes!!!

So go ahead tell me what you wish you could change about yourself. Oh by the way, you are all welcome in that I did not show you pictures of these not so flattering things about myself.

Bunny

2008-08-19T22:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Bunny~
You joined our family in the spring of 2005 and were an Easter gift given to Gabrielle by her Papa John and Dee. Out of all the things Gabby has you have always been her favorite. I know that she loves you dearly. She kisses you, cries to you and for you, takes you to the potty, takes you on vacations and sleepovers, gives you timeouts, sometimes yells at you, plays tea with you, takes you on the swing, takes you for bike rides etc. Basically bunny where Gabby is you are not far from her reach. It has been this way for quite some time. I appreciate your loyalty to her. The problem I am having Bunny, is that I am a busy mom. When Mr. Jeff travels I am even busier. I have my eyes on two kids and adding you to the mix makes it much harder for me. I would really like if you could be like a toy from the movie Toy Story and whenever you are hidden come out to where I can find you easily. Last night I spent a good 20 minutes not only listening to Gabrielle cry and scream for you, but also searching the house from top to bottom looking for you. I was glad that after the 20 minutes was up I did finally find you. You are really good at hiding and at keeping quiet while you hide. Is it okay if I put some sort of alarm on you? I really don’t like playing hide-n-go-seek at bedtime. Oh by the way, the time I found you at bedtime in the refrigerator drawer with the lettuce... that was a good one! Thanks for the chuckle. I hope we can work on the hiding Bunny and thanks again for keeping Gabby secure and safe.
Much Love,
Gabby’s mommy

.....................................................................................................
In other news: I will be working on all the great questions soon. Thanks to all who left questions. The bathroom is almost done! It has taken a bit longer than expected, but as I eluded to before most projects in my home occur this way. Pictures will be coming soon. Next Wed. is a big day. Gabrielle starts her first day of preschool.

60th post... You ask, I'll answer

2008-08-14T16:13:00.000-04:00

I haven’t posted in a while. I still have extra kiddos in my house. With teenage and preteen girls that like computer time, I have not been online much. There is a lot going on in my life right now. Trying to figure out what is going to happen in the next chapters of my life. My youngest will start preschool so I am strongly considering going back to work. This is stressful to me as well as the thoughts of no more babies. I am in a bit of a funk and also facing some depression. My son’s birthday party added extra stress and conflict to my already busy life. As I type this I am currently not speaking to some of my family. And they are also not speaking to me. (dad, sister) This is a post for another time.

I want to get back into the grove of blogging. So I decided to open it up to my readers. This is your chance to ask me any question… Within reason. You ask I’ll answer! I will be back online more often next week and if I have not commented on you blog for a while I apologize. So get busy and ask away.

Happy Birthday Courtney! I love you!!!

2008-08-07T11:44:00.000-04:00

If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.

Today is my best friend’s (Courtney) birthday!! Recently I had a post about her. In July her daddy passed away. Today is going to be a hard day for her without her dad. This will be her first birthday she celebrates without him. I wish I had the words to give her comfort.
She and I have been through many things together. Of course we have sayings or old memories that make us laugh. We can look at old hair styles and clothes we used to wear and roll our eyes with smiles on our faces and say “what were we thinking”? We have traveled together. We have been to Boston, New York City, Arizona, Florida, Carolinas, and even Niagara Falls.
Not only is she my best friend she is part of my family. She understands me, she can fill my husband in on things because she knew me before he ever did, she and I can pick up a conversation after not talking for a few weeks or days.
A few favorite memories:
· Riding our bikes/ big wheels down Berkshire Road
· Trading school clothes in the middle of the road
· Stickers (we loved the smelly ones)
· We tried Morse code with our bedroom lights
· Photography class
· Chet Feldman/ Kevin Kovach
· The Shoney’s pie
· Being the Shoney’s bear
· McDonald’s
· Going to Wendy’s, Little Caesars after school
· First time drinking in my parent’s home… We were sick
· “You go over the bridge”
· Trying to go to a party… baked potatoes
· The space shuttle in 6th grade
· Grateful Dead concert
· Sleeping out for Whitney Houston tickets
· NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK (Will we do the reunion concert?)

· Learning about sex together (YUCK)
· First cars
· Leaving Sean’s house and the almost accident on Route 8
· Football games, basket ball games, high school memories
· Passing notes
I know there are many. Many. Many more, she could add to this.

I hope everyone has a best friend and that today you pick up the phone and call her/him.
I am not the best writer so I have a few quotes/poems in this post to best describe our friendship. I also have tons of photos. I hope they make you smile.

You're...My Friend,my companion,through good times and badmy friend, my buddy,through happy and sad,beside me you stand,beside me you walk,you're there to listen,you're there to talk,with happiness, with smiles,with pain and tears,I know you'll be there,throughout the years!

Happy 5th Birthday, Joey

2008-08-04T11:26:00.001-04:00

As I type these words I am in disbelief that 5 years have passed. My little boy is 5 years old today! Wow those years flew by. I wish that some of those times I could relive the fun, smiles, smells, sights, sounds, and touches. Joey being our first born in many ways was also our guinea pig. We have learned so much about ourselves and about what being a parent truly means and entails.
At birth Joey was always a very happy baby. Never too fussy and always content to be held and loved. I loved the smell of him after a bath with fresh clothes on and remember the hours I would hold him and stare at him and think how adorable he was (is) and how I am responsible for this little human being. In many ways I laugh now at myself about how scared and unsure I was to have a son. If I could have five more boys just like Joey I would in a heartbeat.
Joey is kind, loving, funny, athletic, caring, sensitive, and as he says “my best friend”.
Some memories of Joey~
· Joey weighed 6 pounds at birth
· The first diaper my husband ever changed was Joey’s
· He was a climber and always has had more energy than 5 people put together
· When he started preschool at age 3 he did not really speak more than 10 words. He did not speak in sentences
· His first love was cars, trucks, and trains. I was sad because I know nothing about cars and really wanted him to have an interest in sports. (He does now).
· He is missing one of his four bottom teeth. It is there in x-ray, but has never popped up
· He has cried before when Gabby called him a “peanut head” (I don’t know what a peanut head is or why this hurt his feelings so bad?)
· He loves to snuggle with me
· He comes up to me and says “I need a hug” at random times. Usually when my hands are full. (Washing hands or dishes etc)
· He likes to wear the same clothes as me… Boston Red Sox t-shirts. He likes it when we match
· He gets many comments on his beautiful large eyes and long eyelashes. He has longer eyelashes than most girls
· He loves knock knock jokes
· He loves soccer, baseball, and gymnastics
· He has many friends at school and makes friends easily
· If you ask him his favorite color he will reply “all of them”
· He loves the Cavs, Indians, and Red Sox. Now I am working on getting him to be a Dodgers fan too
· He is easy going and laid back
· He prefers vanilla over chocolate
· He is curious
· He enjoys being outside and riding his bike
· He likes to play tic- tac- toe with me
· He does not enjoy bed time
· He likes spending time with his dad playing X-Box
· He is a great big brother

Although Joey is turning five today as parents Jeff and I had to make a tough decision this year. We chose to keep Joey in preschool for an extra year. He is a smart boy, but he continues to have difficulty with his speech. Joey did go to a speech therapist. We stopped going when the therapist stated that she successfully got more visits approved for us with the insurance company. This turned out to be false and we owed a great deal of money for his speech classes. We then entered him into preschool and from then on being around the other kids he has begun to speak words and now sentences. I would say that he has made leaps and bounds from where we were two years ago. Joey is bright and also has perfect hearing. I honestly feel that when he hears us the message gets sent to his brain and then the words can sometimes come out with different sounds.
For example, if I said Joey go get your socks. He may look at me and say “where are my crocs”. Or when he speaks if he wants to say Taylor it comes out Tawer.
At this point I think we made the right choice for him although I did struggle with it. His main interest was my concern. I would rather him be behind in preschool/kindergarten than in first /second grade. I am also happy that he now calls me “mommy” or “mama” instead of “da”. Once upon a time ago Jeff, me, my parents, and adult figures were called “da”.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LITTLE BOY! I LOVE YOU TO PIECES AND AM SO PROUD OF YOU!! VISIT THIS SITE WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE. This is my husband’s blog... http://runningonfaithwithjzapp.blogspot.com/

Patillo. My angel my gooser.

2008-08-03T13:17:00.001-04:00

This past Friday I had a very scary experience as I was driving to Toledo to pick up my three cousins. The girls were mentioned in a previous post. They were here a few weeks ago and had such a good time while they were here that they wanted to come back down and stay with us again.

My morning started off a bit rough. I was running late per normal. I was in the shower when the kids let the puppy inside and got him all riled up. He ended up having an accident all over the floor. Then as we were literally walking out the door Gabrielle announces that she just pees her pants. I got the kids into the car and we started on our way. We headed to Panera for a cinnamon crunch bagel before jumping on the Ohio Turnpike. Right after I got on the turnpike it dawned on me that I forgot to get cash out of the ATM for tolls. So I knew I would have to stop at a rest stop somewhere to get some money making me even later.
The speed limit on the turnpike is 65 mph. I set the cruise control for 72mph and we were doing great. We were about an hour and fifteen minutes into the trip when I heard some loud noise. I was getting ready to pass two semi trucks so I figured that they were the cause of the noise. Right after passing the trucks my steering wheel started shaking.
Joey says “mama the van is shaking”. I safely get us over to the side of the road and put on the hazard lights. I got out of the van and looked at the front tire. It was fine. Walked to the back tire, it looked great. I walked around the car to find the back passenger side tire looking like this.

I then was wondering what I do now. I am the wrong person for car problems. I know very little about engines, tires, exhaust… etc. I called my mom, she is like “why are you calling me”? “I can’t do anything to help you”. So she suggests that I call 911. I ended up calling them. I also called my cousin to inform her of what was transpiring. The 911 operator was very nice and could tell that I was frazzled. My concern was not being late at this point. My concern now was the fact that I have two young kids in the car and the cars are passing me so fast that I feel like I am at the side of the road watching Nascars flying by me.
Side story. When I was in high school I was in my Honda accord driving on a road that was 40 mph. It was raining and I went through a puddle. After going through the said puddle my car just stopped. As in quit working stalled out and would not start back up. I got out and ran across the street to a pay phone. While I was inside on the phone I returned to the car. In my absence someone had run into the car. The back bumper was now in the front of the car by the steering wheel. That image is forever in my mind.
Since then I do not like to be in a car pulled over where someone who is not paying attention may run into the back of it.
I am now on the side of the road waiting and waiting for a police man and tow truck. We must have been waiting for a good 15 minutes. My phone rang and it was my mom. I made the comment to her that this was strange to me that not one good Samaritan has stopped to ask if I needed help. Her reply was that is probably a good thing. Another 5 minutes passes and I am now off the phone. Another 5 minutes goes by and I noticed a truck was pulling over.
A man reversed and was coming to my rescue. Thank you God was what I was thinking. God sent me an angel. I named this angel sent to me Patillo. Patillo took over. He knew where to look for the spare tire (under the van), where to look for the tools to get the spare off, where to look to get the tools to take the flat tire off. He was maybe a few minutes into attempting to help when the police cruiser pulled over. This was also a relief to me in that the police could get help faster if we needed anything.
Patillo was amazing. He was sweating as I was but I was doing nothing but standing and watching and trying my best to keep my kids calm and in their car seats.
As Patillo worked I was thinking I need to repay him. What can I do? I felt so helpless. I have no money give him. No gift certificate. Nothing. I found out that he was just on his way home from work when he saw me stranded and was nice enough to get sweaty, greasy, and dirty for me. I am forever grateful for him.
When we wrapped things up I walked up to him and gave him a hug. In that brief encounter of giving him a hug my angel my savior Patillo, pats my butt and goosed me. Yes, you read that right! He gave me a good old squeeze on my behind. My new angel just lost all my gratitude in that hug. I was thinking are you kidding me? You never know about the kindness of the good Samaritan!
We are now home. I have the girls. The spare is off. We are safe. I am thankful.

Photos of the spare once we were home. Bottom photo of the girls sticking their fingers in the hole of the bad tire.

Manny... I will follow you anywhere

2008-08-02T13:34:00.000-04:00

Thursday was starting off to be a good day. I had taken Joey to school and Gabby and I were home. I got all the bills paid and then had errands to run in an attempt to get ready for Joey’s birthday parties this weekend. As we were out running errands we ran into my dad. It was around 2:00p.m. He says to me “are you going to be a Marlins fan now”? “NO” I reply. “Why”? My dad knows that I am the biggest fan Manny Ramirez has. My dad knows all about the love affair that began with Manny in 1995. He knows that no matter what people say to me about Manny and his boneheaded plays, jogging to first base, or even when Manny admires hits that come off of his bat I will stick up for him and defend him to no end. So the conversation continues and my dad is trying to convince me that Manny is going to be traded to the Marlins. First of all the Marlins are not a team that this girl would EVER root for. One word or year is all I will say. 1997. Period end of story. 1997. The year that the Indians (another Cleveland team) blew it and lost the biggest game of their lives and another title for the city. I told my dad it isn’t happening and I know this because I was checking my computer about a possible Manny trade before leaving my home. Nothing thus far had happened. I said to him today is the last day that a trade could occur. He says I know they have until midnight. Midnight… Hmm I believed him on the hour that they had to do a trade. I get Gabby back in the car and we leave to go see my mom. I get on her computer and it says “Manny deal to the Marlins, dead for now”. Relief. I took a big sigh of relief. I went home and put on sports center. I saw the clock counter on the television and learned that a possible deal could only happen until 4:00 p.m. I call my dad and tell him this. It is now almost 3:20. 40 minutes. We can do this, 40 minutes. I waited until 4:45 p.m. to leave my home to get Joey from summer camp. I was so happy. Nothing happened. Manny was staying in Boston. Again relief.
I got Joey from school and had on the local Cleveland station on the a.m. radio for sports talk. Soon I realized that no one but me in Cleveland cares about the possible Manny trade. They were talking Browns football. I was rolling my eyes. I can already predict the Browns year for you. They will lose against the Steelers, they will win maybe 3 games, and the season will come to an end. They broke for a news report and then I heard it. “Manny was traded to the Dodgers today”. WHAT? It can’t be true. They had until 4:00 pm. I left my house at 4:45 there was nothing about that being said.
I got home and went straight to the television rewinding (thanks TiVo) everything I missed about the trade. It was true. I was sick. I had tears in my eyes.
My love affair with Manny started in the late 90’s. I was watching Manny before he was making the big bucks, before he was a household name, and before everyone in the country knew about this amazing hitter. I was at the World Series in 95 and 97. I was at many games before Manny went to the Red Sox. I was on the Jumbotron (scoreboard) in Cleveland holding a sign once that read “Always believe in Super Manny”. (Silly, I know). I was in love. I proudly wore my Ramirez jersey and I always stuck up for him even if I was defending a bonehead play or something silly Manny had done. To me it was watching this amazing player go up to the plate and hit a ball out of the park or a hard solid hit to get on base. Watching him swing and knowing that when the bat hit the ball that the ball would soon be landing over the heads of many fans. I watched him hit many homeruns and was always proud of how talented he is. I admired him. When Manny went to the Red Sox I was happy for him. I was happy that he would be making more money. In my eyes he deserved it. He is in my opinion the best hitter in the game. He knows how to look at each pitch and find one that he likes. I have seen him at the ball park look for the pitch he wants and foul the others off. He has such patience as he waits for the one that he wants to hit out of the park. I was devastated that he left Cleveland, but I also have always had a soft spot in my heart for Boston. This began when I was into the New Kids on the Block as a young teenager. (Different post for a different day)
When Manny went to Boston whenever the team traveled to Cleveland we went to at least one game in the series. I say this because it is true… every time I go to a Red Sox vs. Cleveland game Manny hits a home run. This has happened every game but maybe one. I felt like his good luck charm. Two years ago Jeff and I went to Fenway for the first time and saw a game against the Tribe. To be in Fenway and see the green monster, experience fans that are so different than in Cleveland and be at a ball park that the best of the best players have played at was truly something I will never forget.
Jeff got me one year the MLB ticket which allowed me to watch all the Red Sox game in the comfort of my home. It was great to be able to watch the team and root for them and feel a part of the city although I was miles away cheering them on. When Manny was in Boston he was given a saying “Manny being Manny”. We have a saying in our home that is “Gabby being Gabby”. This was after her colic and her temper.
I have had a great time following my favorite baseball player. I wish him the best of luck as a Dodger and after reading everything it looks like this was not only a good move for Manny but one that was good for Boston.
Soon I will be getting me one of these:

I know this is dreaming, but I would love to see Manny back playing here on a daily basis. The Tribe generals have other plans for our farm.... So unitl you come back to play here Manny, I will try to watch you on the tube.

Manny Ramirez

2008-07-31T15:19:00.000-04:00

I have 40 minutes left... will my FAVORITE baseball player be traded??

Hey CLEVELAND INDIANS... I WANT HIM BACK!!!!!!

Forget about the farm. Get us a hitter. Take Manny off the Red Sox backs, bring him back to Cleveland. PLEASE? PLEASE??

I will no longer have to be a Red Sox fan. PLEASE bring him back. I am begging here.

He looks better in this uniform!!

Life with Gabby

2008-07-30T11:23:00.000-04:00

Gabrielle sure is getting a lot of air time on the blog lately and to lighten things up I could not pass up posting her latest antics.

School will be starting on the 27th of August. I am starting now to get both kids in bed by 8:45-9:00 pm. This includes being done with bath, books, and good night kisses. Last night was my first attempt at getting the kids in bed earlier. We did okay with one. Joey was in bed and asleep by 9:00. Gabrielle was in bed, (or we thought) just not asleep. I was downstairs starting to clean my floors. I wanted to vacuum and mop the kitchen floor. I heard her get up so I walked half way upstairs and saw her sitting in my bed reading books. I was okay with that. I knew she was tired. I began my vacuuming and had it running for probably 10 minutes. I then heard a yell and crying. I went upstairs and Gabs was in my bathroom playing in my makeup. She had taken some perfume and sprayed it in her eye. Her eye started swelling and was all red. I then started flushing her eye with water. She took a shower also and it helped that she was crying. Finally we got her taken care of and asleep!

Anyone think that handcuffing her to her bed is okay? J/K

Today I was making her something to eat. She looked up at me and out of the blue says “mommy, does Kayla have a who who”? (Who who a.k.a. vagina) “Yes” I say wondering where this is coming from. She then says “mommy, Joey has a dinky”? (Dinky a.k.a penis) “Yes, Gabby”. Then she says “mommy, Joey has a small dinky and daddy has a big one”. I had to try my hardest not to start laughing. I said okay and started to walk away when she says “can we make S’mores”? The mind of these little people is amazing.

I am so looking forward to August 27th and this little girl gets to go to preschool!

Thank you Arizona!

2008-07-30T10:21:00.000-04:00

I want to thank Arizona for pointing out a website that one can go to and check out if forwarded e-mails like the one I received are based on fact. I apologize if anyone read the letter that this soldier wrote and was as upset about Senator Obama’s treatment to the troops as I was. I am going to leave the post up and do some research on his trip to the Middle East. I am hoping that I find that Senator Obama did not treat the troops in the manner that was described.
Again I was in no way trying to put Obama down. This is a big year for Americans as we vote for our next President. I will remind everyone that what we see in the media often has a spin on it and is not always the way it is.
I still am undecided on who I will vote for. I hope to watch the tube as we get closer and find out more about both candidates. I will also be having a talk with my brother in law.
Again I am sorry that it seems like this was an e-mail that was sent out not based on fact.

I still hope that all of you will read the lone survivor.

A DOUBLE post... ON MY SOAPBOX

2008-07-29T13:37:00.000-04:00

For a moment I need to step on the soapbox and give a piece of my mind. (I know you are all thinking “oh watch out”)
When Jeff and I were in Hawaii we went to a bookstore to find some good reads while we basked in the sun by the pool. We went in looking for the book The last lecture written by Randy Pausch. (We did find this and buy it. Jeff has read it already and I have still yet to read it). We also found a book called The Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell. Jeff read this book while we were in Hawaii and kept commenting on how good it was. I picked it up while he was not reading it and began browsing it and was excited to get my turn to pour into it. It was one of the best books I have ever read. It is in no way a romance novel or good in that what happened to this brave American was something to be happy about, but good in that it was a big eye opener for me.
This is going to be a big year for all of Americans. We will soon be watching television that has nonstop campaign ads for the future President of the United States. I am in NO way a big political person. I know that they say there are two things never to talk to people about one being religion and the other being politics. I can talk about anything. So I want to bring up a few points and then get off my soap box. I am not telling anyone here who to vote for. I want every person who reads that to understand that!
The past few weeks when I have been on my computer I look at my MSN homepage. This is how I keep up with what is going on in the world. We no longer watch the news in our home. Jeff and I find it to depressing. Either someone new just got shot or another child has been killed for unimaginable reasons. We do watch FOX at times when something big is going on and want more information for example, hurricane Katrina. I watched and I cried as these people were waving on bridges and roof tops waiting to be rescued. I also cheered when the smart boy who was maybe 16 stole the bus and loaded it with people and drove them to a place where they were out of harm’s way. I also sneak a peek at the sports section looking for any headlines on my favorite baseball players or teams. My point to all this is that in the news section last week was many stories about Obama visiting the Middle East. Wow I thought good for him. I was so happy that he did this. I was hoping that he saw firsthand what was going on over there. Later in the week I got a People magazine. People had a nice story about the Obama family. I thought about how real they all seemed and that how he is raising young children also. I think it said that if he became the next President that his kids would be the youngest in the White House ever.
Back to the book about the Lone Survivor. I ask all Americans to read this book. I think people need to know what is going on over in the Middle East. I think people need to remember that there is still a war going on as I type this. Americans are fighting for all of us and our freedom. My brother in law is in the Marines. I am to the point now that when I watch the news and see how every story is about how we should no longer be in the Middle East and how the war needs to end we should ask our military how they feel. We are not getting the whole story. War scares me. I am not happy that we are still at war. I would LOVE for all our military men and women to be home with their family and friends, but at the same time I do not think that we are at the point where we can just return from Iraq and feel like another 9-11 may not occur soon.
Marcus does a great job in his book describing all the misconceptions for you. The biggest being the media and how they spin things. This book is now being passed around to members of my family.
I receive a lot of forwarded messages. I came across one that my mother in law sent to me just yesterday. I want to share it all with you. Maybe we have all been fooled by Senator Obama and his trip to the Middle East. I know that I feel like a fool. I will be watching as we get closer to picking the next President. I have personally come to the conclusion that I will vote for who our military wants to be President. Why? Because they are the ones fighting and dying for me. They are the ones that need the backing of the President when they are on these missions. They are the ones that I worry about and they are the ones that I want to repay. Some of the issues that are discussed in detail so much that make my ears want to fall off bore me. The issue that is MOST important to me as a mom is my family’s safety. That includes your family too. I worry about another 9-11. I worry about my kid’s future and I don’t want to be scared anymore every time my husband goes on a business trip. I want to feel like our borders are safe and that the people who made 9-11 happen and the ones that want to copy their acts don’t enter our country.
Feel free to agree or disagree. Feel free to add comments that may give another point of view. No comments will be deleted unless they are completely inappropriate. I am all for freedom of speech so comment away and tell me what you think. Is there an issue that is really important to you? Please read the following from my mother in law and please check a copy out of the library, buy, or borrow the book THE LONE SURVIVOR by Marcus Luttrell.
May God bless America!

Hello everyone,
As you know I am not a very political person. I just wanted to pass along that Senator Obama came to Bagram Afghanistan for about an hour on his visit to 'The War Zone'. I wanted to share with you what happened.
He got off the plane and got into a bullet proof vehicle, got to the area to meet with the Major General (2 Star) who is the commander here at Bagram. As the Soldiers where lined up to shake his hand he blew them off and didn't say a word as he went into the conference room to meet the General. As he finished, the vehicles took him to the ClamShell (pretty much a big top tent that military personnel can play basketball or work out in with weights) so he could take his publicity pictures playing basketball. He again shunned the opportunity to talk to Soldiers to thank them for their service. So really he was just here to make a showing for the American's back home that he is their candidate for President. I think that if you are going to make an effort to come all the way over here you would thank those that are providing the freedom that they are providing for you.I swear we got more thanks from the NBA Basketball Players or the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders than from one of the Senators, who wants to be the President of the United States. I just don't understand how anyone would want him to be our Commander-in-Chief. It was almost that he was scared to be around those that provide the freedom for him and our great country. If this is blunt and to the point I am sorry but I wanted you all to know what kind of caliber of person he really is. What you see in the news is all fake.

In service,
CPT Jeffrey S. Porter
Battle Captain
TF Wasatch
American Soldier

Looking for a thrill? Try Cedar Point!

2008-07-29T11:56:00.000-04:00

On Friday the 25th the kids and I went to Cedar Point. Every year we get a chance to go to Cedar Point through the company that Jeff works for. Unfortunately, Jeff was out of town. Jeff works with my family so although he was not there I did have other members of my family with me.
Cedar Point is in Sandusky, Ohio. It is an amusement park that is known for its roller coasters. If you are in to roller coasters this is the place to go. They have 17 different coaters, which includes 3 of the top 10 steel roller coasters in the world. Some go upside down, you stand on some, and others the floor drops out and your feet dangle about as you go upside down.

This year I spent my time in kiddie kingdom or in Camp Snoopy.

The kids love to go and Joey is anxiously waiting to get taller so he can go on some of the more thrilling rides. I will be excited to ride my favorite roller coaster the Magnum with him.

The Magnum was voted the "Best Steel Roller Coaster in the World," this towering steel superstructure has one of the tallest hills (205 feet) and fastest rides (72 mph) anywhere on the planet!

For more info go to http://www.cedarpoint.com/
Enjoy the photos! (People in the photos... Boy in Boston hat Joey, girl with really short hair Gabby, my mom a.k.a. "nana", nephew Blake in the Indians hat, and niece Kayla)

Now for the rest of the story...

2008-07-24T12:10:00.000-04:00

Sometimes being a parent is stressful. I love to blog and in doing so I hope that others relate to this so I do not feel so alone. I do feel like though that maybe my husband and my parenting style is lacking. I say this because I feel like I repeat myself constantly to two little kids that just DO. NOT. LISTEN. To a word I say.
This was my Monday. (Currently we have Joey in “summer camp”) Really though this is the same place that he goes to preschool. We have him going to get out of the house and be around his friends, socialize and be around kids his own age. And I should add I love Tuesdays and Thursdays when he is out of the house because the fighting is nonexistent and Gabrielle can play with whatever she wants and do what she wants without being yelled at by her brother and vice versa.
Monday we got up and started our morning with cooking muffins and cupcakes. Soon a lady from Home Depot showed up to measure the floors on the main level of our home. Jeff was also coming home early because our garage door was broken and he wanted to talk with the repair man. When Jeff got home after lunch time I decided to use the opportunity to go to run some errands finding knick knacks and towels for the bathroom. When I returned from my outing, I found Jeff exhausted the house a disaster, and two kids that looked like they were in big trouble. Toys were all over the floor and the couch cushions and pillows were strewn about. I found that Gabrielle had gone potty twice on the couch and Joey decided that he wanted to use the couch as a trampoline and that the two of them were just being bad. Since Friday of last week Gabrielle has just been going pee wherever her little heart desires. If we are outside she will disrobe and pee on the deck, the grass, and the sidewalk. We do not know what the problem has been. Imagine being in the kitchen and knowing your daughter is in the room next to you where you can see her and she is playing or watching a movie and then says “I just pee”. What? Where? Oh all over the couch! All I can say is yuck. Who wants to sit on that? Also we are not happy she is doing this, but we are not like in LOVE with this couch it is old and we knew that soon we would be deep sixing it.
So I come in and am in the mood to start cleaning. I mean organizing, getting things ready for Goodwill, tossing things, rearranging things. So I went to town. We moved the couch outside. Jeff called and found out that the trash man would take it. We carried it to the curb. Two little kids followed us out and started jumping on the couch outside. All the while Joey is really upset that I am giving the couch to the trash man. He wants to know where he is going to sit. I think he was really wondering what he would use to jump on, do headstands on, and what he would throw on the floor so he could jump off the couch and have a soft landing when he falls. I explained to him that we will not have a couch until he and his sister decide that this is our home and we want our home to look nice and that he and Gabby need to understand that this costs money and they are ruining everything we try to do to make our home look nicer and not like a college dorm room. What a sight we must be! We did not get pictures of this but wanted to. We looked like some rednecks. We were going to sit out on the couch on the curb and watch cars pass, but we figured we had better things to do inside. Jeff and I were laughing hysterically at the sight of all of us. I continued cleaning and by dinner time had a whole van full of bags and boxes to take to Goodwill. Jeff got us dinner and we ate and then went to Goodwill and to Home Depot. While at Home Depot, Gabby went potty there. No problems. We were home in like 30 minutes after this and she walks into the family room and goes again all over the floor. Jeff and I were in the kitchen talking and putting things away when she announces that she just peed all over the floor. Jeff hands her a towels and says “your turn”. She knows better and she is a smart girl. By this point we are both beside ourselves as to what is going on with her.
We get the kids in the bath and into bed. We then kiss them goodnight and walk downstairs. A few minutes later we hear footsteps and running upstairs. Jeff goes upstairs to find Gabrielle naked and in Joey’s room talking to him. She sat on her bed and peed all over it. He gets her back into bed, changes sheets, and clothes and comes back downstairs. Now Joey is asleep and once again footsteps. He goes back upstairs and this time she gets spanked. He returns downstairs. Same thing happens again. This time he waits before going up because she may have went into our room to lie on our bed. At this point we don’t care where she sleeps as long as the next time we see her she is sleeping. About 10 minutes later he goes up and I heard him say something and I knew she was not asleep. She was in our room just not in our bed. She was really in our bathroom cutting her hair!!

Gabby showing her hair cut to us and her real personality for the camera. All that hair was the same length as the hair behind it. Enjoy the next few photos of my little trouble maker. She is lucky she is so cute.

I got on the computer and started looking up urinary tract infections in children. I decide that maybe I should have her urine looked at. I asked her earlier in the day if anything hurt. She said no. I called my mom and she agreed that just having her urine looked at would not hurt and plus if she did have a UTI then we would have some sort of explanation to her behavior.
We called it a night. Tuesday the man from Lowe’s showed up to measure. I got in the shower and then went to my doctor’s appointment. We then took some urine to the doctor. He checked it and she did NOT have a UTI. So he had a little talk with her. “Gabrielle, you are three you are a big girl you need to stop peeing on the floor and having accidents.” She looks at him picks up her hand and puts it to his face and says “do you like my fingernails”? That went over really well!!
I ran home went to the vet tried to get there before they closed and then we had dinner and went to Lowe’s and to pick up my prescriptions. Afterwards while Jeff and Joey were in the pet store I walked next door with Gabby to the Great Clips. I showed the girl her hair and asked what can we do?
This is what we got. She did such a job on herself that this was all they could do to fix it and even out her hair and make it look like a normal person cut it and not a three year old.

So my days of pony tails, ribbons, and bows will have to wait. I was so upset when I watched her hair fall to the floor. This is my life with a three year old and I am really hoping that this does not just happen to me!

Wordless Wednesday- To be continued!!!

2008-07-23T12:54:00.000-04:00

bathroom remodel part II

2008-07-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!! I can’t tell you how happy I was to read everyone’s comments about the remodel. I appreciate all the color choices that were given. In fact the bathroom is going to be a color that one of you suggested! (Keeping that a secret for now) Like all projects in my home this one is yet to be completed. The sanding is done. That took a good three days. It was a major pain in the behind and it is STILL on the walls. The walls will just not be as smooth as “normal” walls are. I do have the primer up and the walls will just look textured. We decided that we are going to add wainscoting to the bathroom. So because of that decision and Jeff’s travel schedule it will be the beginning of August before the bathroom is totally done. I will give the finished pictures then. Here are the photos of what has occurred so far. Jeff gave me a good scare and said “you never know what is in that paint”. So I have the mask on. Good thing too. When I blew my nose that night I noticed the ‘Smurf’ blue dust in it.

Sanding the walls

below is the sanded walls with spackle on it

Painting the primer

Primer done! Bathroom is in this state as we speak. Paint has been bought and the next step is to paint! :)

Congratulations to Kim!! She is the winner of the Target gift card. To show that this was fair we photographed the drawing as it occurred. I had 13 in the original post and then 5 in the next post. So I just added them and got 18. I used the first post first. So if the number drawn would have been 17 the winner would have been commenter 4 in the second post. Hope that makes sense.

Kim is the blogger on Keeping the Faith and Amazing Grace. Please e-mail me so I can mail you the gift card!! Thanks again to all of you. Please keep posting comments.

UPDATE

2008-07-16T23:53:00.001-04:00

Just a quick recap... I am going to keep this post at the top for a few days. If we get 15+ comments, I will do a drawing and the number chosen that corresponds to the commenter number will win a $15.00 gift card from Target. (Closes on Sunday)

I just deleted my e-mail address on here due to a nasty invite from someone. Thanks, but I am happily married and LOVE my husband. You can take your offer elsewhere.

Angie... Thanks, I have been reading all your previous posts on your blog. Looking at the awesome photos of your home and getting some ideas. I did a search on the color too and really like it. Jocasta and Laura I will be doing some research tomorrow on your color choice.

Thanks everyone and keep the comments coming!

Opinions Wanted!!!

2008-07-16T18:10:00.000-04:00

Please do not leave without posting a comment. I am in need of some help from all my blogger friends! My house is in a transition phase right now. Jeff and I feel like we are living in a college dorm room. We have a very nice home, but somehow after adding two kids and dogs into the mix our home is lets say... embarrassing.

Projects that we would love to have done include:

~New flooring! Some hardwood, maybe bamboo, and new carpet. Lets just say gross, and sitting on my carpet is not something I would let you do. We steam clean it constantly and it is still yucky!

~New couches. I have a few pictures of the couches we have in here.... I honestly do NOT know what I was thinking when I chose this couch. Obviously, I was not thinking.

~New counter tops. We would love the nice ones. New floor in kitchen.

*All needs done and are wants, but the money is just not pouring in. If you know where a tree is that $100.00 fall off of it let me know.

Now here is the biggest problem right now. Jeff and I got into painitng our home. My aunt and uncle painted one of their bathrooms with this sand paint from Sherwin Williams. I really like how it looked. So we did it too. We picked this nice pretty blue, (again what were we thinking??) Jeff hates to go to the bathroom in here and would much rather would go in the kids Winnie the Pooh bathroom. I don't blame him.

See the bird on the shelf? The color was chosen because I fell in love with that cute little bird. Bad idea to choose a color around a bird!

Close up picture of the color. Can you see the sand texture to it? It is a rough texture when you wipe your hand down the wall.

This is walking into the bathroom. Picture is to show the color of the hallway and wallpaper. We are really into paint rather than wallpaper. I wanted this faux painted. The cost was WAY, WAY, WAY out of what we could pay. So I found this wallpaper that looked like faux.

~~~~~Another picture, leading into the bathroom~~~~~

Imagine the bottom floor of our home. It all makes a circle. So here is the hallway from the foyer into the home and then you can turn into the pretty ugly blue bathroom.

This picture above is from the great room into the hallway that takes you to the front door, or left into the bathroom

A close up view above of the wallpaper

Above is if you are standing in the kitchen. Go under the arch to the great room, turn right where the white door is open and into the hallway shown above.

So here are my questions. What color would you go with? Would you pick a color that ties in with the wallpaper? I really want. WANT. DESIRE. my home to look like one out of a parade of homes or model home. I know I am asking aLOT with kids/dogs.

Anyone have wood floors? Is there a brand that you like? Color?

PLEASE comment and if we can get the comments above 15, I will do a random drawing and the winner will receive a $15.00 gift card to TARGET!!! Please tell your friends to come in and post comments!!

I will also take any advice on how to get nasty blue sand paint off my walls. That is what I will be working on the next few days. I will post pictures along the way to show the progress.

THANKS!!!

The storm (Part 3 to pregnancy #3)

2008-07-15T16:39:00.000-04:00

Television, movies, and books portray the time after giving birth as one of pure joy. Proud fathers pass out cigars to their family and buddies, women spend time holding, caressing, and bonding with the baby that was once kicking, squirming, causing indigestion and heartburn. Phone calls are made to family members and friends. Pictures are taken in abundance. Flowers and balloons are delivered stating “it’s a boy” or “it’s a girl”. Grandparents meet their precious grandchildren for the first time. There are tears of joy, smiles, laughter, hugs, and kisses to go around all to welcome the new member of the family.

For me after giving birth to Gabrielle, the Hollywood picture was cut short hours after giving birth. I wanted the Hollywood memories, joy, and smiles. This was supposed to be my time to shine. This was supposed to be a proud mom and dad smiling and bonding with their new baby girl. We had already walked out of this hospital once with empty arms, a funeral to plan, dreams shattered and hearts broken.

At my last appointment with Dr. Geller we established a plan for the removal of the stent. The plan was he gave me a phone number to his secretary. I was to call her with any updates as far as induction. He in turn would know that I was at the hospital giving birth. I was to keep my epidural in place. They would use the epidural in the morning for the stent removal. Dr. G felt that because the stent had been in place for so long that it would be hard to remove and it would be encrusted. He planned on having me go into an OR room and having the stent removed under Laser Lithotripsy. He would contact me after I gave birth and finally this stent would be no longer.

I gave birth to Gabby at 2:32pm. I told the team of nurses and doctor’s everything that was happening with the stent. I did keep my epidural in place. I called Dr. G’s secretary several times starting with when I had the amniocentesis to determine if I was going to be at the hospital with an earlier induction. When I found that the lungs were not mature I again called the secretary to tell her this. I then called a third time when we had determined a date that I would go in for the induction. I trusted my doctor and never had any bad feelings that our plan was not going to work out.

The following describes the remainder of my hospital stay.

2:32pm Gabrielle Grace was born

Had a little bit of the “Hollywood” movie. My parents, sister, Father in law, and father in laws girlfriend were all at the hospital to meet their new granddaughter and niece. Pictures were taken, tears were shed for Samantha and Sydney, and bonding with Gabby began.

1720 (5:20pm) I arrived on the postpartum floor. Visitors had left by now and Jeff and I were with Gabby for a while loving her and taking pictures. Jeff bought us both something to eat. Jeff sent some e-mails to family and friends telling of the new arrival and thanking everyone for prayers and support through the pregnancy.

1920 (7:20 pm) the nurse provided me with teaching packets. At this point I still had the epidural in place and had yet to see anyone from urology.

2130 (9:30pm) A breast pump was brought into my room. Still no one from urology. I asked to see someone on call to get the ball rolling on this.

2220 (10:20pm) A man walks into my room. I remember thinking to myself wow; did he run to get here? He walked in sweating; I mean beads of sweat are falling from his face. He says hi and walks straight over to my sink and begins wetting paper towels to place of his forehead. I explain to him everything about the stent, my plan with Dr.G, the fact that the epidural is still in place. He proceeds to tell me that they do not remove stents in a hospital and that this is something I will have to go to Dr. G’s office for. No I tell him. Dr. G feels that it is encrusted. It has to be removed under laser. I ask to have him page Dr. G and talk to him on the phone have Dr. G explain our plan. He blows me off. It is obvious that there will be no stent removal first thing in the morning. I ask to have the epidural removed from my back, because now it is causing pain and becoming very uncomfortable.

2230 (10:30pm) Jeff has left by now. The anesthesiologist comes in to remove the epidural. I call Jeff very upset about what this doctor tells me. I ask for some pain medication and try to fall asleep. I ask for Gabrielle to be taken to the nursery for the night.

Because I have my medical records I am able to read everything that was written by these doctors. What I have stated to them about the plan with Dr. G is all in quotes like they are mocking me. There is nothing about paging or even calling Dr.G. It is all about them trying to take over and handle the stent themselves. There is no regard for the patient or the plan.
These are direct quotes “Patient states Dr. Geller was to remove stent after delivery and get a “cat scan” to determine cause of “hydro”. Pt. with stent discomfort, but no worse.
This is his care plan:

“Stable and stent to be removed in the office”
“Ok to D/C epidural”
“F/U with Dr. M”
Then there is another doctor who sees this and comes along and writes “Agree with D/C stent at office”

I give the nurses credit. There are many times where they have written in their notes add to Dr. G. The problem though is that Dr. G himself is not coming. I am getting all of Dr. G’s colleagues.
Again I go to bed on the 26th exhausted from delivery and the events of the day. Knowing that in the morning after some sleep I will be in a better frame of mind to get this whole stent problem resolved. So I think.

June 27th 2005

At 0945 Dr. F (a.k.a Dr. Jerk) walks into the room. Imagine a very young cocky son of a gun. A resident who thinks he is God’s gift to medicine and no matter what you say you are wrong, you are beneath him, you are dirt and he has the power to make you concrete. Funny, but not so funny that I had seen him before on the ICU floors and was praying to God that I did not look familiar to him in any way. I got the same old song and dance from this dr. I was crazy, they do not remove stents in the OR, and this was a procedure to be done in the office once I went to go see Dr. G. I was done now. I started to get angry and stating call Dr. Gellar. Why is no one listening to me? Why is this time that is supposed to be joyous turning into a nightmare? Why do I still have this piece of crap stent in place when I was promised it would be out as soon as the baby was delivered? I wanted answers. I called Dr. G’s office, spoke to his secretary, but got nowhere closer to talking to Dr.G.

Jeff came to the hospital. He began getting upset. He also tried to get answers from the nurses and was coming up as dumbfounded as I was that there seems to be no communication at this hospital. I felt like they were protecting Dr. G and just not calling him for some reason. He and I had a really good patient doctor relationship. We joked around, he was always empathetic to my needs, and he was supportive about my concerns of losing the baby after the loss of Sam and Syd. I did not feel like he would treat me like this and it just felt very clear that he was in the dark about what was occurring.

I had had the nurses keep in my IV and hep lock it for when I was to go down for the removal. It looked like the removal of Mr. Stent was not happening. The order had been written prior for it to be removed. I wanted to go take a long hot shower so I had the nurses pull the IV before I went into the shower.

Dr. Jerk’s note dos state that he “will discuss RX plan with Dr. Geller.” At 1440 while I was in the shower he came into the room. He had a consent for me to sign and was willing to take me to have the stent removed. Not in an OR, not with lithotripsy, just take me to a L&D room where stirrups are available to have the stent removed. I agreed. I signed my name to the paper thinking finally get this thing out of me. Let this pain stop. Let me enjoy being a new mom again. Let me get out of this hospital pain free. Let me go pee pee on the potty without seeing blood in my urine. Let me get on with my life with my family.

1500 I am taken to the L&D floor. I walked there following behind Dr. Jerk with Jeff at my side. I was taken into a room with stirrups and laid back on the table. The room was small. There were nurses in the room. A lot of laughing was coming from the nurses. Other nurses were coming into the room because this was something they had never seen before. There was no IV in place any more. Nothing was given for pain prior to the removal. It was just Jeff and I ready to get this over with. I got rid of my modesty and just went along with what was occurring around me. Embarrassed that I knew there was blood coming from my vaginal area because of giving birth and also embarrassed that my whole bottom half was in view for anyone who wanted a peek. Again I tried my best not to be modest or think about it. The only thing I was thinking of ways that Mr. Stent was going to be Mr. GONE!!

I should have taken cues from my thoughts that things were not right. I heard Dr. Jerk say something about not having sterile gloves nor having beta dine. He even asked a nurse if he should use beta dine. I remember thinking “hello dummy, you are going into a sterile organ” yes, sterile would be a good thing!!! He did get all the necessary sterile equipment necessary. He cleaned the area and started pulling on the string that the stent was attached. Suddenly the room got quiet, the jokes stopped, happy faces got very serious, and a patient was in the most pain EVER!! I began crying out. My husband yelled “can someone get her something?” A nurse came running into the room and injecting me with Morphine given IM. (Intramuscularly) Dr. Jerk finally spoke and told us that the stent was encrusted. If he kept pulling at it he would tear my urethra and that the stent is now hanging half way out. He then tells me that putting in a Foley catheter would be a good idea and that he was going to now call Dr. G. Yes, friends he finally admitted maybe not knowingly that Dr. G had NEVER been called. I would have to be taken to the OR where lithotripsy would need to be used to have the stent removed.
1600 I am taken back to my postpartum room. This time I am wheeled in a wheel chair. Now instead of having no stent I return with a partial intact stent and a Foley catheter. I am not a happy camper.

Phone calls were made and I tried to get some rest. Pain meds were given as well as something for nausea. Another IV was now inserted back into my arm.
I was told that in the morning I would be heading to the OR for removal of the stent with lithotripsy. I was also going to be NPO at midnight for my upcoming removal.

1945 (7:45pm) my mom and dad, aunt and uncle and Jeff were all visiting. Gabrielle was in her cute little outfit having her hospital pictures taken. My phone rang and I answered my phone to hear the voice of one of the Urology doctors. He was at a totally different hospital calling to tell me that my stent removal in the morning was now postponed and would be rescheduled in the following days.

I was beside myself. I was seeing RED. I was so mad. The “f” bomb starting coming from my mouth. I am normally not someone to say the “f” word. I was taking no precautions to the fact that I had visitors in my room. I kept thinking are you kidding me? Is this a really bad dream? There is no way that any man would be walking around with a stent hanging half way out of his penis and a Foley catheter also in place. Why was I being treated this way? Why are my pregnancies always so difficult and why oh why can I just not enjoy having a breathing baby girl after the loss of Samantha and Sydney?

My dad was around for everything that was transpiring. He walked out to the nurse’s station and asked to have the doctor paged. The same doctor that called my room and just spoke to me.

2010 “Patient and patient’s family upset about procedure being cancelled”. “Emotional reassurance given.” “Dr. Memo paged to speak with family and answer families’ questions.”

2030 Dr. Memo speaking with family

2035 Spoke with Dr. Memo, patient to be NPO at midnight!!!!! Whatever my dad said worked. I was now going back in in the morning for the procedure!!!!!

June 28th 2005

0612 Patient transferred on cart to go down for procedure

1100 Patient transferred back to room after procedure

I was transferred back to the room with get this ANOTHER stent!!! I was not happy when I heard that news. This one was taped to my leg! I was to go into Dr.G’s office a few days later to have it removed and then be done with it. It was to dilate the kidney and make sure that after the first stent was removed that there was no more obstruction.

June 29th

I was discharged home! Thank goodness.

June 30th

Went to Dr. G’s office. Stent was removed. No pain, very easy removal.

7-15-2008

As of today, I have these symptoms with kidneys, bladder, etc. I have to go potty frequently. I know where all the bathrooms are at grocery stores, Target, Wal-Mart, and the malls. I maybe should go see Dr. G to see if this is normal, but I am not going back there. I do still have lower back pain as well. It is nothing like when I had the stent, but is now just a part of my everyday life. I know that it is there and just try to ignore it. I have three pregnancies. All three very different. I have experienced emotional pain and physical pain. I can say that the emotional pain never goes away and the physical pain was temporary. Jeff and I were blessed with four kids. We still wish all four kids were here on earth in our home, but have come to realize that was not part of the plan. Gad has a bigger plan for us. We may never understand his plans. I do not understand why I never had a normal pregnancy. The Hollywood pregnancy. The glowing and happy pregnancy. Mine were all very terrifying, filled with anxiety, worry, and distress. Needless to say Jeff had a vasectomy and there will be no more babies coming from my body. That saddens me, but I also know that it is probably for the best. We would like more children, but at the same time we are now enjoying being diaper free, bottle free, and a happy family of 4 (6).

10 things

2008-07-12T16:50:00.000-04:00

10 things I can’t live without~
Laura tagged everyone. I thought this would be fun so I am going to give it a shot:

1. Diet Coke! I do not drink coffee and so this is my caffeine boost. I drink a great deal of it, too much in fact. In my opinion the best Diet Coke is a fountain Diet Coke from McDonald’s!

2. Paper towels. I know that this is not a great thing to confess to with the environment, but I am a paper towel junkie. I have difficulty when shopping and not picking up a roll. I often do not pass them up. My favorite is the Scott paper towels.

3. Toothbrushes. There is nothing worse to me than feeling the slime on teeth

4. My freedom! I would not survive in countries where I am told what to wear, eat, and think, how to act, or what God I am to pray to other than the God I pray to now. THANK YOU ALL USA MILITARY for keeping us FREE

5. Panera Bread Cinnamon crunch bagels. I LOVE them

6. The sun! I love warm weather, the sun shining, and the feelings of being warm. I could LIVE WITHOUT snow!!

7. Vacations. I love to spend time with family relaxing, exploring, and making new memories in places we have never been to

8. TIVO! What a lifesaver TIVO is. I love to be able to tape shows and watch them when little ones are asleep and fast forward through commercials

9. Going to the movies. I love movies and feeling like I can escape my brain and thoughts and concentrate on someone else’s creativity

10. Call Waiting. Being able to talk on the phone and not worrying if another call comes through that I may miss it especially if it is something important or an emergency. Hey MOM there is nothing worse than knowing that you are home and not answering your call waiting.

Of course my kids, awesome husband and extended family and friends. I hope that those answers were a given.

Getting back into a routine.... The past few weeks

2008-07-11T16:25:00.000-04:00

Wow! Since late June our family has been going nonstop. I am just going to recap everything in this post and I know that I have to also do my pregnancy part III story of pregnancy #3.

Sunday June 22nd 2008: We attended church in the morning and then had the kick off to vacation Bible school

Monday June 23rd: Jeff left to go out of town. The kids and I were at vacation Bible school. I was a volunteer and helped with elementary games

Tuesday June 24th: Vacation Bible School. Helped my sister with her kids. Tee-ball practice. Out for ice cream and then my nephew spent the night

Wednesday June 25th: Vacation Bible school

Thursday June 26th: Last day of vacation Bible school. Jeff came home. Gabrielle’s 3rd birthday. Had birthday dinner and cake as well as Little Leapers

Friday June 27th: Started preparing the home and going to grocery to get ready for Gabrielle’s family birthday party. Tinkerbelle theme.

Saturday June 28th: Soccer and Tee-ball. Clean house

Sunday June 29th: Gabrielle’s Tinkerbelle party with family and friends. Received call from Courtney about her father falling and being transported to the hospital.

I asked Jeff to go out and get some pics of Gabby with her sign. Above is what she gave him. I was not thrilled with the result.

Miss "Tink"

"Make a wish"

Monday June 30th: Spent the day on the phone with Courtney. Said many prayers for Mr. D

Tuesday July 1st: Joey had summer camp. Spent time with Gabby and on the phone with Courtney. Cleaned house from the party

Wednesday July 2nd: Courtney came into town. Went to the hospital. Spent time with Mr. D and family. Jeff and the kids drove to Chicago for the 4th of July to spend time with friends of ours. I stayed home to help Courtney and her family anyway I could. We did a lot of shopping for outfits for the services. I must say that Courtney, Joyce, and Tempa all looked very pretty.

Thursday July 3rd: Shopping for the services

Friday July 4th: Shopping and errands

Saturday July 5th: Ran errands and last minute things. Jeff and the kids drove back from Chicago

Sunday July 6th: Calling hours for Mr. D

Monday July 7th: Service for Mr. D

Tuesday July 8th- Friday July 11th: My cousin’s kids were here and spent time with us. They just left and now I am cleaning, unmaking beds, doing laundry, making beds again, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and took a break for some blog time.

My cousin, Megan has four children. She is 33. They all love in Michigan. She is a wonderful mother and has been through some very tough things with her relationship with the father of the kids. She met Dave in high school. She was in high school when she got pregnant with her first child. She then had 3 more with him. The kids are 13, 12, 10, and 9. Dave was into some bad things in high school. At one point he was starting to change things for himself and he and Megan did get married. Things did not work and he went back to his old ways. They ended up getting a divorce. I am proud of her for being so strong and always putting the girls and Nick the oldest first. The kids did not have much of a relationship with him. He would make promises and not follow through. To make a sad story even sadder this past May Dave’s body was found in an abandoned warehouse by a homeless man. The kids did attend the funeral and I am sure as they get older this may have more of an effect on them. Dave had problems, but there are two things I try to keep in mind when I think of him. The first is that Megan must have seen something good in him or she would have never started dating him. Second, is that without him these 4 beautiful, fun, intelligent, caring kids would not be here. The third child Taylor came down over her winter break and wanted to come back down to spend time with us. This time the other two girls wanted to come also. MY home has been filled with many voices, laughing, running, games, smiles, and good times. We all had a great time and the kids did not want to leave to go back to Michigan. So they may be coming back in August.

Bailey & Paige (sisters) ~ABOVE

Taylor, Paige, & Bailey~ BELOW

Cousins. Poor Joey was surrounded by GIRLS! He LOVED it!!

As much fun as it has been to have the girls here I am now ready for things to slow down a bit. We all have been running at a pretty fast pace around here and I like it when things are a bit calmer and we are not constantly rushing around. I am now happy to welcome some normalcy.

To Beaver. From Cakes

2008-07-05T18:27:00.000-04:00

Court this one’s for you!! Let me tell you about my best friend. Her name is Courtney and I have known her longer than I have been married to my husband and know n my husband. Crazy thing to think about for me, but the truth. I have known Courtney since we were little girls. Maybe 7? Her family moved into the empty home across the street that was for sale. I think that God knew what he was doing when her family bought that house. She and I have been through everything together. (grade school, middle school, high school, college years, and now grown women raising families of our own)yes, we have had our fair share of fights as all teenage girls and girls in general do, but we have always been able to overcome our differences and remain the best of friends. We have a great friendship. I can talk to her about any and everything. Husbands, kids, even the hard times, Samantha, Sydney, God, girl stuff, ANYTHING! She was a treasure to have after the loss of the twins and I could not have made it though without her.

One thing that stinks about our relationship is the distance. She lives in Texas. But where hasn’t she lived. J She has moved several times due to the fact that her husband is a pilot. The nice thing though is that she has lived in some pretty awesome states. (Hawaii, Florida, Carolinas) I wish that we were closer in distance, but it works. When she does come into town it can be hard because I know that she wants to spend time with her family. (Mom, dad, sister, brother in law, etc)

She is hysterical. She has a wonderful personality and is the life of the party. She is always looking her best and dressed to the nines. In contrast I am the introvert and the one who has been known to brush my hair and teeth and walk out the door in sweats and a tee. So even though we have many similarities we also have many differences.

This past week has been not only a very difficult one, but also a very sad one. Sadly on Wednesday her daddy passed away. He leaves behind a wife that he has been married to for 45 years, 2 daughters, and 6 grandchildren. (+2 adopted daughters)

Courtney had a very close and unique relationship with her dad. They were able to talk to each other about anything and everything, laugh, tell jokes, and had a bond that never judged or criticized. I have in many ways been in awe of their friendship and relationship. This is going to be very difficult for her and her family. Tomorrow is the calling hours and Monday will be the service. I am asking for any and all prayers to be said for the family. Joyce (wife), Tempa (daughter), Courtney (daughter), Hannah, Avery, Christian, Aiden, Isabella, and Analeigh (grandchildren), Scott (son-in-law), Chris (son-in-law).

Like I said Court this one is for you. I know that when I told you about my blog you were asking when you would be posted in it. I hoped to do it on your birthday. I want to thank you for the past few days. I cannot thank you enough for allowing me to see your dad and kiss him one last time. It meant the world to me.

Mr. D~
I am so sad that you are no longer here on earth, but I know that you are up above and watching over your precious family. Maybe you are up there relaxing, playing golf, or dancing with your mom. You have always been a very special person to me. You were one of the hardest working men I have ever known. I will always remember having to keep it down because you were sleeping, how you worked the night shift, how you were always there for your girls all three of them, how you always had a joke, a way to make anyone smile and feel welcome and comfortable, and just for being you. There are so many childhood memories that I have with you in them. You will be missed by many. I will do whatever I can for all three of your girls and to always help them out when needed. I hope that I was able to moisten your lips and nose and that you felt no pain as you entered Heaven. I will always think of you with fond memories and love.
Please watch over Joyce tomorrow and Monday. They will be tough days for her, but I know she will pull through it just fine and with your love surrounding her.
We will all love and miss you!
CAKES

Praying for you tonight!

2008-07-02T00:55:00.000-04:00

Have you ever met someone that meant the world to you? Someone that always had a joke and a way to put a smile on your face? Someone that would do anything for anyone, even strangers. Well I am sad to say that my best friend’s dad is very sick right now. He has been battling cancer. He had a mass on his neck that was removed. He has been through chemo and radiation and now he has pancreatic cancer. He is currently in the hospital with what I would say crappy care and I pray for him tonight. If you can spare the time please say a prayer for him too and for him to be pain free, comfortable, and loved. I also pray for his wife, daughters, and grandchildren. I don’t think this man knows how much I adored him in the past 20 + years that I have known him, but I do think the world of him. He is a hard worker, caring, honest, loving man. I love him and wish him peace!

Saturday June 28th

2008-06-29T23:01:00.000-04:00

Joey I am so proud of you and all that you have accomplished in soccer this summer! You are so fast and always right on the ball. This year you have scored many goals and we will get you on another team as soon as possible! Here is another trophy to add to your collection! This one by far is your favorite because it has your name engraved on it. I love you and am so PROUD of you!

Happy Happy 3rd Birthday Gabrielle

2008-06-26T14:11:00.000-04:00

Gabrielle~
It is so hard to believe how fast time has gone by. You are three years old today. I hope that you have a fantastic birthday and that this next year we can continue to grow closer as mother and daughter. You bring joy to my life on a daily basis. You have a look in your eyes (which I am told repeatedly that you got from me) that tells me everything, when you are happy, shy, mad, angry, frightened, and hurt. You are one smart little girl and you always impress your dad and I with little things we did not know that you knew. You continue to be a very strong willed little girl and this is where you and mommy sometimes butt heads. I hope that we can work through this. I love to see you smile and enjoying yourself. I hope that every day you laugh out loud and enjoy your life.
We love you “to the moon” and back and so much more.
Love,
Mommy

26 things about my birthday girl
1. This is the definition of her name English and French feminine form of Gabriel, meaning "strong one of God". Her middle name is Grace after the song ‘Amazing Grace’
2. She was a colicky baby
3. She loves the color pink
4. She loves to sing and dance
5. She really enjoys coloring and painting
6. She looks up to Joey
7. She is a very bright girl. She picks up on things very quickly. She can count to 10 in Spanish and can recite her telephone number as well as her address. We discovered this when I was quizzing Joey one day and she spouted off our phone number and address before Joey which upset him greatly and he looked at her like how do you know that
8. She loves cookies and Sprite
9. She dislikes GREATLY having anyone touch, comb, or brush her hair
10. She enjoys wearing dresses
11. She is very dramatic
12. She is very strong willed, independent, and she knows what she wants and when she wants it and no one is going to stand in her way
13. She loves to swing
14. She loves the book ‘going on a bear hunt’
15. She sleeps sideways
16. She has a pink bunny that is her security item. Bunny A.K. A funny bunny goes everywhere Gabby goes. She even has given bunny a time out. I don’t know what he did, but one day she even got out the wooden spoon and threatened bunny with a spanking.
17. She likes Max and Ruby as well as Dora the explorer
18. She had tubes put in her ears. (they have since fallen out)
19. Her favorite type of ice cream is nilla (vanilla)
20. She likes pasta night at our home
21. She may be a bit of a tom boy
22. She likes the Disney princesses
23. She likes makeup (my mom’s) and having her nails polished
24. She is a great hugger and kisser
25. I love her butt and to squeeze it
26. She is a wonderful daughter and we feel blessed to have her in our lives. Happy 3rd birthday to our beautiful little girl!

Part II of Pregnancy #3

2008-06-26T00:13:00.000-04:00

The time is now around 2 pm when I get transferred on 1-25-05
I am now on the antepartum floor and I have had 10mg of Morphine injected into my body. I am now tired and sleepy from the drugs and the pain is a 6 out of 10. The pain is much more bearable and I am able to get comfortable. We are no closer to an answer as to what is wrong with me. This is very frustrating to me because as far as I am hearing from the doctors and nurses I am staying at the hospital for “observation”. An ultrasound was not done one time on the baby. My biggest fear was that this was a baby issue and it was stumping me as to why an ultrasound was never done or talked about. To help reassure me that the baby was okay I was hoping at some point for someone to want to have an ultrasound done to look around. I would even bring it up to the nurses and doctors and I was getting blown off. I just wanted to know that the baby was okay. That there were no signs of an impending miscarriage, but my wants were different than the staff at the hospital. My mom stayed with me as long as she could, but at some point she had to leave to go help my sister with Joey and figure out a plan as to how she was now going to rearrange her schedule. Jeff was now at the airport and trying to find a way to get home.

When I would wake out of my groggy state there were two things concerning me. One was that the time seemed to keep getting later and later and there was no one in my room taking me for tests to figure out what was going on. The second was that there seemed to be no plan. Now call me crazy but I don’t think it is normal to experience the pain that I experienced and think it is okay to send someone home in the morning with no answers as to what is going on.
At some point I started getting angry. I took matters into my own hands. Yes, I was in a hospital and you would have thought that these people were on top of this and trying to come up with a diagnosis. I didn’t see this happening so I got on the phone and called my OB at her office. I told the receptionist that I need to speak with my OB and that I am in the hospital can I talk to her like now. She ended up calling me back and I explained to her what was going on. I said Dr. H why is no one doing an ultrasound? Why is no one trying to figure this out? What do you know? I don’t feel comfortable with this “observation” and the possible discharge in the am with no answers. She was shocked that thus far nothing had been done but she also stated that maybe the reason was because I was pregnant I was unable to do some tests they would normally do to rule things out. For example Cat scans and even MRI or using any type of dye. So I said to her can’t they use ultrasound?

She must have made a call, because now things started to move along. At some point a general surgeon came in and did an exam on me. He made a comment about opening me up in the am to have a look around. Um excuse me? Remind me NOT to sign that consent form. I was able to learn that they were going to start ruling a few things out. (Ovarian cyst, splenic artery aneurysm, and gall stones). I remember my dad coming and staying at the hospital with me. We were watching American Idol. I also remember that it kept getting later and later. I was supposed to go for the ultrasound around 6-7pm. I don’t think I ever left the floor until after 9:30pm. I do remember though that to have this ultrasound done they wanted a Foley catheter in place. So I had the joy of having my first Foley catheter inserted! I was finally wheeled down to the room where the ultrasound was done to look around. I tried really hard to ask the tech to give me a peek at the baby. I just wanted to see movement, but she was unwilling to do that “stating she is not trained in OB”. I don’t know why a little glimpse just to see movement and put my mind at ease would be such a big deal, but I guess her job may have been on the line. I would never have told anyone, I just needed reassurance.

Around 11:00 pm finally we had an answer! I had hydronephrosis of the left kidney with fluid obstruction. They were unable to see a kidney stone and did not know if I had passed a stone or if one was hanging out. I was relieved to have an answer as to why I had all this pain and know what was happening in my body, but I was now a bit puzzled. I had never had a kidney stone before and no one in my family has ever had one either. I was also told of a study that had been done and the worst pain rated was from labor and second to that was the pain from a kidney stone. Good to know that this was not all in my head and I was just being a wimp. I was able to get some sleep now that I had a diagnosis and the plan was to meet with the urology staff in the morning to find a treatment plan. I was also so relieved that the general surgeon would no longer be coming to my room and talking to me about possibly opening me up to “have a look around”.
I met my urologist in the morning. He was a very nice man. His name is Dr. Geller. Now that we had a diagnosis it was time for a plan. The nurses had already been straining all my urine. At this point so far there had been no stones passed. I am a person who is a doer and so I felt more comfortable with doing something for this problem as opposed to doing nothing. This pain that I had been feeling was something that I never wanted to feel again. As far as waiting it out and possibly passing a stone or getting by with pain medication was not something I wanted to endure. The other option was to insert a stent to allow the water and buildup around the kidney a way to escape. The thing with this though is to dilate the kidney more. Once the stent is in the stent stays in until the end of the pregnancy. The procedure is called cystoscopy with left ureteral stent. He explained the procedure and I was able to confide in him about the loss of Samantha and Sydney. He was very empathetic and he reassured me that they would have someone come down after the procedure to do fetal Doppler’s. I was also able to have him talk to my OB and I did as well about having an ultrasound done before I left the hospital. This was more for peace of mind than anything else. I was now able to eat if I wished and the following day the stent placement was scheduled. The Foley was still in place and I know that I asked several times to have it removed and finally someone wrote an order for its removal. (Like we are talking 7 pm) I was NPO at midnight. I think that day was just spent sleeping and visiting with my parents and I want to say that Jeff may have been home then also.

1-27-05
The day was basically a waiting game. The urology team was running late basically all day long. I finally went down to have the stent put in late evening. I am talking after 10:00 pm. They used an epidural for anesthesia so that the baby was safe and also so I would not feel anything. Dr. Geller told me something interesting when it was all done and over with. What he told me was that when they put the stent in some fluid that was cloudy and dark came out. *Could that have been the stone? Could that have been the cause to all of this?* He did not know so he went with the plan and left the stent in place. This is the quote from the medical records “her left ureteral orifice was surrounded with edematous bladder mucosa.” Here is another quote after the stent was placed “thick urine with debris was seen coming out of the stent located in the patient’s urinary bladder.” This is always something I will wonder only because of the complications and pain associated with the stent and what lied ahead. I wonder if the remainder of the pregnancy would have been a piece of cake as opposed to all the fun that a stent caused. What if after the fluid came out instead of using the stent and just exiting without this contraption in place would the pain and all the symptoms associated with it have gone away since the obstruction seemed to now have been taken care of? After the procedure as promised there was a nurse that was there to take Doppler’s. Once again the sweet sound of a heartbeat was heard. The following day an ultrasound was also scheduled to look at baby and anatomy.

1-28-05
As promised in the morning before being discharged I was wheeled over to the floor for an ultrasound of the baby. The baby measured 16 weeks and 1 day and was perfect. Even though I tried to find out it was too early to determine the sex of the baby. The amniotic fluid volume was normal and so was the placenta. After being discharged I was excited to get going again after this bump in the road. I was happy to see Joey as well. There were a few things though that started to take place. One was in the ‘feeling’ that something that is not supposed to be in my body is now in my body. The sharp, constant, unbearable pain was gone, but now there was a new pain and uncomfortableness associated with the stent. One evening Jeff, Joey, and I went to the mall to use some of our Christmas gift cards and to do some returns. I know almost February, but being sick for now two months this was the first chance we had to get out. I remember that after shopping we got in the car and I had a breakdown. I was so uncomfortable and my back was hurting all the time. In some ways it felt like metal in my back. I can’t put into words these new feelings and pain I was having. I had moments where I just felt sorry for myself. I thought I had gone through so much with Joey’s pregnancy and then the loss of Sam and Syd this third pregnancy has to be an easy one right? Third time is the charm isn’t that what they say? This was not fun at all. I liked the breathing baby in the end of it all, but not all this stuff going on during incubation of the little person. Another thing we would soon be facing was the one year anniversary of the deaths of the girls.

Late February I noticed something new with my whole stent. I would void in the toilet and there would be blood. I have sent a lot of urine to the lab for analysis and something they always check is if there is blood in the urine. That test did not have to be done. You could see the blood when you looked at my urine with the naked eye. This blood was also fresh blood. Like when you cut yourself. The first time it happened I freaked out and thought it was blood from the vagina. After a bit more investigation I found it to be from my urine. This caused more stress and worry for me. I would then call my urologist and worry about the stent. Is it digging into something it should not be? Is this another sign of what I experienced previously? At some point I was also put on Ditropan. Ever seen that commercial? Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now? Well that was me. The Ditropan was to help with bladder spasm, urgency, and frequency. When I went to Dr. Geller’s appointments I would always get a chuckle as I sat in the waiting room. I was always the youngest person in the waiting room and I felt like one of the elderly waiting to see the doctor. I always wondered if they were on the drug too.

2-28-05
We were getting close to going on a family trip to Florida and to take Joey to Disney. My parents have a condo in Sanibel and we were going there after we spent a few days with Mickey. This was a trip for Joey. I still felt bad that he missed the trip in December because of his sick mom. I went into the hospital on the 28th. I went in for hematuria (blood in urine) and left sided pain. The pain started getting worse (not like before, but worse than what I had been having after the stent) the pain was not being relieved by the Percocet. Another thing that was a stress was being pregnant and taking so much pain medication. I would take a half or a quarter of one as opposed to taking a whole one. Then I got to the point where I did not want to rely on Percocet so I flushed the pills down the toilet and tried Advil instead. They would do an ultrasound of the kidney when I went and find the stent to be in good position as well as no new hydronephrosis. It was found that the stent was causing irritation. This in and out business would continue for a few weeks. Ultrasound, morphine, and then send me on my way.

3-1-05
The day before our trip to leave for Florida I had an ultrasound. Baby was doing great everything with the pregnancy seemed picture perfect and it is a GIRL. This brought feelings of happiness as well as sadness.
Before leaving for Florida we made a quick stop to have some photos printed of Joey making the announcement of the sex of our baby.

3-4/2005
While we were in Disney I was in the restroom before getting ready to leave to go to the park. While voiding I felt something strange. When I looked in the toilet a LARGE clot was in the toilet bowl. The fear of it all brought tears. We got through the day and tried to make the best of it. The walking was painful, but again as a mom you suck it up sometimes for your kids. The Ditropan allows me to get by with having the stent (a drug for spasms).

4-12-05 a urine culture came back positive and it was time for some antibiotics

4-17-05 another ultrasound our little Gabrielle is doing well. She is now breech and but is growing in the 20th percentile. There is concern about “an unusually thick placenta”. I am now 27 weeks and there is a recommendation to have a repeat ultrasound in two weeks for growth and also to take another look at the placenta

4-27-05: back to the hospital, this time for vomiting, fever, pain and cramps. Now I also begin to having burning in my urethra when voiding. An IV was inserted and the fun begins again. This time they decided that it was not due to the kidneys or an infection from the stent, but gastroenteritis.
5-5-05 follow up ultrasound. Baby is now in the 25th percentile for growth. Stated they were concerned about a possible “mass” with the placenta in the past, but now there is not a concern he thinks the thick part is from the placenta bending.

6-15-05 today I was seen for an amniocentesis. I was 35 weeks along and the blood in the urine was getting worse and so was the pain. If I passed the amnio and the lungs were mature we were then going to go ahead with the induction as soon as possible. As my luck would have it the lungs of Gabby were not mature and so we continued along.

6-25-05 I was now inpatient in the hospital and we were going to go ahead and start the induction. I was 37 and 3 days. This is the last family picture of the three of us before going into the hospital the following morning. I went in the early morning. Joey spent the night of the 25th with my parents (nana and papa) the plan was after the birth to have kept the epidural in place and then Dr. Geller would come to the hospital for the removal of the stent.

June 26th 2005

Delivery went well. No problems or complications what so ever. Great epidural easy as cake labor and delivery. This was the calm before the storm. This story will be continued.
HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY GABRIELLE! WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Pregnancy #3 Part I .... What is your diagnosis??

2008-06-24T23:12:00.000-04:00

Over the next few days I will be blogging about my third pregnancy. I just want to say that again if you are not into blood and details you may want to skip the reading of this. I do have all of my hospital records from my second and third pregnancies and that is how I have been able to document all of this with dates and detail… as well as some of the memories.
2004-2005
March 2nd 2004: Today I had a follow up appointment with the periantologists at Akron General Medical Center. I met with the Doctors who I was under their care when I was pregnant with Samantha and Sydney. After this appointment I was released to go back to my original obstetrician. He gave my OB a list of guidelines should I decide to try to conceive again. His recommendations were as follows; to wait at least six months before trying to conceive again, treatment for the PAI-1, intensified prenatal care with every-two-week visits up to 28 weeks gestation followed by weekly visits starting at 28 weeks with non stress tests.
Jeff and I did wait a little over 6 months before trying to conceive again. I was mentally still grieving the loss and trying to figure things out as well as spending time with Joey. It was decided after the loss that I would be a stay at home mom and that I would not be returning to the hospital as a nurse. I think Jeff and I found out what our priorities were. I also really wanted to stay home. I did not want to miss any of Joey’s firsts.
November 11th 2004: I returned to my OB and my appointment was for a positive pregnancy test. It was confirmed at this appointment that I was pregnant. The EDD was 7-14-05 and I was approximately 5 weeks pregnant.
December 3rd 2004: Jeff and I went to this appointment together and we had an ultrasound. We saw our little bean and heard the sound of the bean’s heart beating. This was a joyful time as well as a very painful time. I was now 8 weeks pregnant. I started becoming very anxious with the reality that I was pregnant again and the fact of the unknown.
After this appointment the nausea and vomiting began. It got very bad to the point that I was no good for anything, but throwing up. I was unable to keep anything down. I had some morning sickness with Joey, but nothing like this. This was all day sickness to the point that Jeff was working from home. I was in bed ALL THE TIME with the trash can at my side. My OB gave me a prescription for Zofran. It was not helpful. I sipped ginger ale and even tried ginger snaps. I also had wrist bands to help with the nausea. Again no relief. It got so bad that I had to be hospitalized for hyperemesis. At the hospital I was basically hooked up to an IV to help with the dehydration and to keep me hydrated. I was also given Phenergan which I LOVE! I would then be sent home after I could go 24 hours with no vomiting. I then would return home to feel so hydrated and hungry to go and eat and then return to the trash cans. This continued. I also was now becoming VERY constipated from the Zofran. It was a horrible cycle.
My family (Jeff, Joey, and myself) were suppose to go to Disney World with my mom and dad, sister, brother in law, niece, nephew, brother, and sister in law. I was unable to go. I felt bad for Joey. I know that he did not really understand and would never know that he missed out on a vacation because his mom was sick from pregnancy, but I still could not feel awful that he did not go.
As we got closer to Christmas I started to finally begin feeling better. Jeff’s brother (David) is in the Marines. He is married (Holly) and has two daughters (Ashley and Alex). They came to Ohio for Christmas and New Years before their big move. They currently live in Japan. David is stationed there right now. He also just got back from fighting for our freedom in this war. Anyways they were here in Ohio and we spent a lot of time with them. They came over for New Year’s and so did my aunt and uncle. One of the girls was not feeling good and was complaining of a sore throat. I did my best to wash my hands, but after they left the day after New Year’s day I began feeling chills and the onset of an illness.
1-4-2005 I went to see my family doctor with complaints of a productive cough, and a raw sore throat for the past three days. I was started on Amoxicillin for 10 days.
1-6-2005 I went back to the hospital with complaints of fever, cramping, and productive cough. The reason we went to the hospital was because of the high fever. It was found that I was dehydrated and I also had yeast in my urine. I was rehydrated again and given medication for the yeast. I was also to continue the antibiotic which was probably the cause of yeast in the first place.
1-10-2005 I called my OB because of the productive cough. The cough was so strong that it made me start vomiting again and I was so worried about the baby. I also still had high fevers. She called me back and told me to go back to the hospital. So back I went to the antipartum unit for rehydration therapy.
1-12-2005 I was now home from the hospital, but back to see my family doctor. Please lets make a note at how screwed up the hospital is at times. I was wheezing and I could hear the stuff in my chest, but because I was pregnant the hospital staff (doctors on call) basically would not touch me. I knew that I probably had pneumonia because of the way I sounded as well as the fact that I have been basically lying in bed now for weeks. So finally a chest x-ray was done. I DID have pneumonia. After I was started on the antibiotic for the pneumonia the cough started to dissipate and I was able to start keeping food down much easier.
** Let me just note again that this is the pregnancy following the loss of the twins. This was a very scary time for us already and one that was filled with a great deal of anxiety. All of this extra stuff going on was not helping. It got to the point that I was so anxious and terrified that Jeff went online to find a place that rented Doppler’s. He ended up renting a Doppler for me and I would check for a heart beat ALL THE TIME.
1-21-2005 The pneumonia was now cleared and gone, but Joey and Jeff were sick and I now had swollen glands in my neck and a sore throat. I was back at the family doctor. I was now on another antibiotic and 15 weeks pregnant. I was also negative for strep. (I have been tested for strep so many times. I have never once had strep.)
Now this story starts to get interesting!
1-24-2005 I went back to the family doctor. I started having feelings like I had a bladder infection. We had gone to some sort of show in Cleveland at the Gund Arena. (No longer the Gund) and I was really uncomfortable while we there. I kept feeling like I needed to go potty and nothing would happen. So they tested my urine and it was negative. CLEAN. NOTHING GOING ON. Sent on my way. Told myself to forget about it. This was now a time to turn the corner. Start feeling better. I had basically been sick for two months now with something or other.
1-25-2005 Jeff is out of town. He was gone the previous day also. My sister had watched Joey while I was at the family doctor. The morning was usual for us. We got up a little before 8:00 am, I got Joey’s bottle, changed his diaper, fed the dogs, let the dogs outside. Then while Joey was watching Elmo and eating Cheerios that feeling that I had the day before returned. I was uncomfortable. I got up walked around. I got the phone and called Jeff. I told him I was not feeling good. This was different something I could not explain. He was getting aggravated with me. I felt bad. He is out of town. He can’t help me in any way. I feel like a failure. I gave him stillborn daughters and now I am a mess with this pregnancy. In the time span of about 45 minutes things started changing and fast. I was growing more and more uncomfortable. I felt like I needed to push. I felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. I felt like I needed to throw up. I called my mom at work and there was no answer. Maybe I am hungry? I ate a pop tart. I tried to have a bowel movement. No this was not gas. Nothing. Then the pain started in my lower back and in my abdomen. I lost it. I am losing this baby. This is all I can think. This is the cramping before a miscarriage right? So I call my sister’s house. Guess who answers. My mom. What is she doing there? Crap I need her. She must be watching the kids. Pain is getting bad. REALLY BAD! I am crying. I got Joey and got in the car. I DO NOT KNOW how I made the drive to my sister’s house. I really do NOT know how I was able to drive there. (she lives about 10 miles from me) My mom calls my dad at work and he is to go to my sister’s house too. We all basically arrive at the same time. I am crying, my dad does not understand what is going on, and my mom is jumping in the car. We are off to the hospital. I want to floor it there, kind of like ambulance style. My mom on the other hand is driving SO S L O W! It is winter time. It is COLD we have some sort of freeze going on outside. I HAVE the windows down, blowing cold air at me. It felt so good. Every bump in the car hurt. BAD. VERY BAD. I am a mess. We F I N A L L Y arrive at the hospital and I just avoid the ER all together and have them wheel me to the triage OB unit. (there is a separate unit for people who are pregnant and come into the hospital) I am sitting in the wheelchair without the cool air and now I am sweating and the pain is getting worse. The next thing I know I begin throwing up. There went the pop tart. They get me to a room and I am thinking bring on the Morphine. Please and lots of it. Make this pain stop. I am also thinking just make the pain end. I can handle anything. Tell me the baby is gone. I get it. I am not supposed to do this again. I am supposed to be happy with Joey. I get it. We will adopt Lord please just make this pain GO AWAY. The nurse comes in after I am quickly given a room. I continue to throw up and I cannot get comfortable. I am moving all over the place. This is pain that I have never felt before. I just need it to go away. I try different positions, staring at something on the wall, closing my eyes and going to the beach. There is no relief. The nurse takes my vital signs and gets a bit of a history about what has happened the past month and a half. Then she says I will be right back with the Doppler. I think steam may have come out of my ears. I started swearing. How dare that Bitch get the Doppler. She knows I am losing this baby. Why do I have to go through this again. She comes in and puts the transducer on my belly and there is the sweetest noise ever. A heartbeat. MOM. help me mom. Now we have to watch this baby lose its heart beat?
This is how the hospital has it written on my chart. (this is for time clarification. I can’t tell you how much PAIN I was in. So if I go back to nursing the first thing I will do and I vow this now to all my patients. I will rush like a mad woman to get you pain medicine. FAST)
1030 got to ER
1100 urine sent to lab
1150 patient throwing up again
1210 MORPHINE AND PHENERGAN given. IT’S ABOUT TIME!!
1250 Morphine has not helped the pain at all patient states. Patient rates pain a 30 on a scale of 1-10.
1425 AN IV WAS STARTED! This was 4 HOURS later!!!!
1445 WAS GIVEN MORE PAIN MEDICATION
1505 They have no clue what is wrong and they send me to the good old antepartum floor. I am becoming a regular on this floor.
To be continued…. Any ideas… Want to take a stab at it? What is your diagnosis?

MEME (from Jocasta, Thanks!)

2008-06-22T22:51:00.000-04:00

I've been tagged by Jocasta and I am excited to be tagged for the first time! Thanks Jocasta. *I do not have 8 things for all of my answers*

Eight Things I Have a Passion for:

*My family. When my kids hurt I hurt, may it be one hitting the other or someone making a mean comment to Joey at school. I LOVE these two kids more than anything. When they are happy I am happy, when they are sad I am sad.

*My husband! I want only the best for him. Like my kids when he hurts I hurt too. I want him to be successful in all of his endeavors and happy at his job.

*Teaching. I am big on safety. Cars going too fast down my road (25 mph) they go about 30-35 mph when kids are outside playing. I am also big on babies and kids being treated with respect. I have some stories of neighbors that treat their kids horribly with yelling and swearing. I don’t want that for any child. Not giving children grown up issues that they can’t handle or comprehend.

*Allowing my kids to relax and watch tv. I am big on just decompressing. Yes, my kids watch age appropriate tv. I know the Pediatric monsters will be all over me for that!

*Being sensitive to others, for example, minding my own business. Not asking strangers how many kids they have. You never know if someone is facing infertility issues, miscarriage, stillbirth, or just plan does not want children. If they bring it up and want to talk that is fine I am an ear to help and listen, but as far as asking others that I don’t know well personal questions. Nope won’t do it.

*Animals especially dogs being cared for and not mistreated or abused.

*Trying to not judge others. I know that I often go into public in sweats and not all dolled up and I try hard daily not to judge others for their appearance.

*Honesty. I am not into lying, keeping secrets by omission, or just plan hiding things. I am very honest. I have a guilty conscious and that helps me a great deal in that I am unable to lie or hide things. For example, we recently got a puppy and I was keeping it from my mom for a few days. The guilt got to me and I wrote her an e-mail about it. I felt like I was keeping something from my mom on an issue of buying a puppy. **I would NOT be a good poker player**

Eight Things I Would Like to do Before I Die:

*Travel! Alaska, Australia, islands that are warm and sandy
*Go to Africa and help on a mission trip
*Be debt free
*See my kids graduate from college and marry if they choose
*See grandkids if there are any in our future
*Travel some more. See this great big world of ours
*Raise 2 children with respect, dignity, honesty, and with hearts that are pure and God loving. I want my son to be a gentlemen and my daughter to feel like a princess and with manners. (Maybe she will stop saying poopy butt>>> Please let the soap work soon)
*Continue to have a marriage that is built with communication, trust, and honesty. Continue to LOVE my husband and share more adventurous times with him

Eight Things I Say a Lot:
*Gabby!
*Joey!
*I love you
*Max lets go outside (new puppy)
*Oh man
*What? (To the constant mama mama)
*Gabby no

Eight Books I Have Read Recently:
*Lone survivor by Marcus Lutrell
*My sister’s keeper by Jodi Picoult
*Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult
*Baby Proof by Emily Giffin
*Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin
*Something Blue by Emily Giffin

Eight Movies I Have Seen Eight Times:
*Pretty woman
*Dead Poet’s Society
*Finding Nemo
*Toy Story
*Aladdin
*My best Friend’s Wedding
*Nadia (Story of Nadia Comaneci/ Gymnast 1976 Olympics)

Eight People I have to Invite to Do This Meme:
*Angie
*Will or Jen Piper
*Laura
*Arizona
*Carissa
*Shannon
*Anyone who wants to

A surprise from my son

2008-06-21T23:40:00.000-04:00

**Note this was written on Saturday June 21, 2008 but all events occurred on Friday June 20th 2008.**

Our son Joey is four and will be turning five in August. He came up to me yesterday and really gave me a surprise that was much needed and his caring spirit warms my heart. I was on the computer writing an e-mail to Shauna (the girl who will be giving my blog a much needed makeover). I got out the scrapbook that I made that has a few pages filled out of Sam and Sydney’s pregnancy and birth. There are a few cherished ultrasounds, the obituary from the newspaper, and calendar pages that I added written events from the pregnancy on.

I opened the scrapbook looking for some quotes that I wanted Shauna to have in case she could use them for the makeover. Joey came over and crawled up onto my lap. He wanted to see what I was looking at and opened up the scrapbook. We went through the photos of the cemetery and I tried my best to answer his questions. He saw the headstone and was telling me that he wanted to see Samantha and Sydney and then he tried to act out lifting the headstone so he could see what was underneath it and see his sisters. When he talked about lifting the headstone out so he could get to what was underneath the ground I remembered thinking of a mother that I met at the Precious Parents meetings I attended. This mother asked us if we thought it was crazy or if we had ever thought of taking a spoon to the cemetery. She would take a spoon in her purse when she would go visit her child so if she felt like digging up the earth and digging out her child it would be less noticeable to people than using a shovel. When this lady told that story I chuckled to myself because the first time I had gone to the cemetery alone after the girls passed away I remember being there and thinking to myself I wish there was a way I could dig this all up and get my girls out and hold them one last time.

Although a few tears streamed down my face when I was talking with Joey, he was so caring and sweet and I thought how blessed am I to have this boy and have him be so kind and thoughtful when he was asking questions. It was a beautiful day yesterday and it was not too hot or humid. We had plans to go to the park when Jeff got home from work and maybe take a picnic to the park with us for dinner. Well we still did that, but our plans changed a bit when Joey decided that he wanted to go to the cemetery. He was pretty persistent that we go last night. Before Jeff got home from work I took the kids to the store so we could purchase some flowers and some helium balloons. The cemetery probably does not love the fact that I tie balloons onto the vase that holds the flowers, but I have done it ever since the headstone was put in and I plan on doing it still. We take things like large helium balloons of butterflies, ones that say I love you, I miss you, or ones that are holiday appropriate. I would love to take other things and decorate the outside of the headstone, but the cemetery does not allow it. That is why I know that they are not overjoyed by the balloons. I should add that we do not go to the cemetery often. It is not that I don’t like going it is more or less that it is not very close to our home or near any stores or activities that I go to or attend. We also have a garden in our backyard so it is easier for me to go outside my home and talk or be with the girls.

When we go to the store I told the kids that they could pick out the flowers that they wanted to leave for their sisters.

First let me give you a visual as you imagine us at the grocery store. I don’t know if your local grocery store has what I call the “car cart”, but I am not a big fan of this cart. This cart is an oversized grocery cart in the shape of a car to amuse kids at the grocery store.

SAMPLES OF THE "CAR CART" ABOVE AND BELOW
It comes complete with graphics on the side of the cart as well as fake steering wheels and horns. Most of the time the horns are broken and do not toot. So having two kids the fighting then begins. I also do not like that this cart or contraption is so BIG that it feels like you are pushing an elephant down the aisles. I am constantly telling my kids oops sorry mommy is a bad driver as I bump into things on the shelves and they knock onto the floor as well as the fact that sometimes the car does not big enough to fit all the things that I need to buy. I do try my best to avoid this cart all costs, but my son spotted it on the way in and they were relentless that we take this cart.

The kids are in the “car cart” and I am doing my best to maneuver this beast to the flower spot of the store. Joey decides that he wants to take Samantha and Sydney red flowers and Gabrielle decides she wants pink. I started thinking about Gabrielle’s choice of pink. This is her favorite color and she wants pink anything; ice cream, shoes, clothes, and crayons. I began to wonder what Samantha and Sydney’s favorite colors would be and the sadness came over me that there is so much about these two peas in a pod that I will never know. I tried my best to hold it together and celebrate the fact that this was the first time Joey has taken an interest in his other two sisters. He knows the names Samantha and Sydney and he knows that he has two sisters in heaven, but that is about as far as it has gone. He does not talk about them nor does he tell family and friends about them. Joey also found a helium balloon on a plastic stick. This one was of the American flag. Sometimes when we are in the car we have games on finding certain things outside. Normally on the list is finding an American flag. He also knows that his Uncle David is in the military and that we are very supportive of our troops and mommy and daddy have an American flag at home outside that we treat with respect. Gabrielle chose a small balloon of Pooh and Piglet and then we got a large helium balloon of a dragon fly. We gathered our groceries and soon paid. On the way out the door the dragonfly balloon hit the side of the door and we were lucky that it stayed inside the store as it floated to the ceiling. This again goes back to my favorite cart and the fact that the car cart’s size caused me to bump into the door several times as I tried to steer it out into the parking lot. As we bumped into the door the balloon somehow came loose and floated up. The expression on Joey’s face as he watched this balloon float up was priceless. I am glad that the dragonfly was in reach of being rescued by another helium balloon with tape and a very, very, very long string of ribbon. I sometimes wonder if the other customers feel bad for the mommy that pushes around that oversized, enormous, elephant of a cart.
Once Jeff got home from work we ate some sandwiches and fruit and then gathered the four of us plus two dogs into the car and headed out. As normal when the Zapp family tries to do something as a family it can begin as a disaster. This time it began with Gabrielle crying and yelling at the top of her lungs as well as the sound of Joey rubbing his hands all over the dragon fly balloon and the horrible sound a balloon can make. We finally arrived at the cemetery after Joey asked us at least 8 times “how much longer until we are there?”

This was the first time that we went to the cemetery as a family and with the dogs. We had some cookies and talked to the girls as well as talking to Joey and answering his questions. One statement was that he wanted to go to where Samantha and Sydney were. NOT YET was all I was thinking. Not until I am gone am buried. Please God don’t ever let me go through that kind of pain of losing anymore kids. Especially the two that I have that I have so many memories and love tied to.

After the cemetery we went to the park as planned and it was a great family night and time that I enjoyed as a family. To be honest it was just what I needed to be with the ones I love and outside enjoying the beautiful day and the beauty of Kendall Lakes. You never know when your kids will surprise you and yesterday it was all because of my 4 year old little boy. I LOVE that boy to pieces and am so proud of him and his love for others and his sisters.

"MAX" THE NEWEST MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY

GABRIELLE AT THE PARK CHASING THE GEESE

DAD AND HIS SON

THE BIRD CHASER

AFTER HER STICK WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM HER

SEE THE STICK? SHE USED THIS TO POP THE DRAGON FLY BALLOON!

THE WHOLE FAMILY

GIVING KISSES TO HIS SISTERS

Giving it to God

2008-06-20T00:37:00.000-04:00

I realize that lately my blog has taken a turn, one of pain, grief, and sadness. I appreciate the comments that have been left for me on the passing of Samantha and Sydney. In some ways I feel stuck. I brought the pain out of the place that it has been hiding the past 4 years and here it is again. I don’t want my blog to be a place that people avoid coming to. I realize that this is something I started for my children Joey, Samantha, Sydney, and Gabrielle and I felt that the best way for them to learn more about me and my pregnancies was for me to write it out. So I went to the very beginning where I met Jeff and how our journey started. Now here I am with 2 pregnancies down and one more to get through. Gabrielle’s pregnancy was no picnic.
The past few days I have been sad, quiet, and withdrawn from my family and kids. Joey was at summer camp today and I spent a great deal of time on the computer. I came across a blog and I don’t even know how I found it. I was searching for blog makeovers at the time that I found it. I don’t think it was an accident that I came across this blog. I think that now I find myself minimizing the deaths of my daughters which I don’t want to sound like it doesn’t matter because it does. I found this blog and I am amazed by Angie. (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html) I love the way that she can put her words down on paper and it sounds so real, I feel like I am there talking to her, and I feel her pain. Not only has her family lost her precious daughter they recently lost a nephew. I think about the grandparents that in not even 6 months have lost TWO precious grandchildren. I just will never understand. It makes me so mad to know that this happens and that there is such pain out there. Is it worse to have a baby/babies die at 20 weeks than it is to have them die at 34+ weeks? I sometimes am grateful that if it had to happen that it happened before I felt every kick, new every position the babies hung out in, saw more pictures on an ultrasound screen, felt the baby (s) have hiccups in my womb. It was a horrible thing that happened, but maybe I did find a positive in this experience. Maybe it was better to let this happen at 20 weeks as opposed to 34+ weeks. I am so envious of Angie and her pictures. She has some beautiful pictures of her daughter with her and her family. Then I am angry that she had time to think it through and plan to have photographs taken professional ones even. I am so happy for her that she has those treasures to look at whenever she misses Audrey.
I want to be able to write like Angie or like Will Piper and have my words come across like they have the talent to do. There are others out there that can write so beautifully also I just am naming these two because as of late they have touched my heart.
Four years I have walked around with this pain and I thought I let it go. Four years I have been so angry, mad, and in some ways withdrawn. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to be closer to God and give him my grief. I want him to give me the answers that I seek, but most of all I wish that I could go back and do it all differently. I don’t think anyone can really understand how much of an impact not having pictures of Samantha and Sydney has hurt me. I have no memory as to what they look like. I have nothing to give to an artist to have a drawing done. I have nothing to hold to feel closer to them and make them more real. I have nothing to look at to see without blurry eyes that are wet from tears to see if they have eyes like Joey or a nose like Gabrielle. I wish so bad I could turn back the clock. Death is final and there is nothing you can do to change it. That is a hard lesson to face. Damn those nurses and the staff for not making a terrible situation one that I could look back at and be grateful that I had something left to hold onto.
GOD TAKE THIS PAIN AND ANGER! IT IS YOURS TO HAVE!

Trying to live with pain

2008-06-17T21:35:00.000-04:00

Being a nurse one of my responsibilities is teaching. Nurses all over the country teach patients and families a myriad of things. Some examples are post operative care, how to care for a wound, sterile technique and when to apply this, what different sounds and beeps mean on equipment that is being used, medication doses, side effects of medication, safety while in the hospital, diets and the list goes on and on. I feel like it is a good opportunity now to do some teaching on how to talk to family members, friends, and just people one may run into in daily life when the topic is stillbirth or miscarriage.

Over the past 4 years I have had a great deal of time to think and reflect about the loss of my girls. I feel like there is a BIG difference on the levels of grief in death. For example when the death comes as a surprise such as a stillbirth, car accident, accident in general, or take the Americans lost on 9-11-01. This is a shock. This type of death is totally not expected and hopes and dreams come to an end very fast. As far as my girls we were planning, expecting two babies in our near future, and had dreams for both of our girls. Now compare this to a death that you know is impending. I am not saying that this type of death is not sad or no one cares, I am just saying you have had time to process it, say goodbye, and plan. When my grandpa was in hospice we knew what lied ahead. We had many chances to talk to him, tell him how much we love him, and to say goodbye. I think one of the hardest things with an unexpected death is not being able to say goodbye as well as being in such shock and a state of confusion that you are just going through the motions.

I studied Kubler-Ross and the stages of grief when I was in college. This was the first time I took another look at the stages of grief and applied them to myself. It is true that you do not go through the stages in order. It is also common to go from depression and then to anger and then to depression again. I don’t think I still have really hit acceptance. I accept it up to a point, but not fully.

The stages Kubler-Ross identified are:
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I did not do much bargaining, but I hold a great deal of anger. There are days that I do think to myself “was that all a dream”? “Did that really happen to us”?
My girls were born on February 17th 2002. The following week Jeff was already back on the road traveling. Comments were made to him that this would “be good for him.” I don’t know how much he really grieved, but he has a very close relationship with the lord and that helped him during these times. For me a great deal of my anger was directed towards God. I also would find that I would be upset and crying and could not figure out how Jeff was able to walk around the house singing and walking around with a smile on his face. There were even times he would look at me and say “what is wrong.” I thought you have got to be kidding me. How could you ask me what is wrong. What do you think is wrong?

As February rolled into March Joey and I drove down to South Carolina with Jeff when he was on a business trip. We went and saw some family members. While we were there I felt uncomfortable and also at times like I just wanted to go hide somewhere. I was still overweight, had acne on my face, and overall not feeling good about my body image. A comment was made to me and it went something like this, “God didn’t want to give you more than you could handle.” “He knows that you are busy with Joey and he didn’t want to add to it.” I don’t think that people realize what they are saying. When you are grieving you tend to search for answers. Maybe the answer will come in a conversation, maybe a book, maybe God will whisper it in your ear, and maybe a movie will make it all click. For me it was thinking it would come in the form of a conversation. I listened to what people said and I went over and over it in my mind. So now that I processed this statement these are the questions I came up with.

1. Why can some people have twins, triplets, quads, etc. and are able to handle it?
2. Why can other people have twins with siblings and can handle it?
3. Why would God take my babies?
4. What did I do to prove to God that I could not handle it?

I know that this was probably not intended to hurt me, but it did. BAD
The spring and summer came and I began going to a group at the Children’s hospital. The group is called Precious Parents. As I went to this group I felt like I was making little to no progress. I felt like we were all focusing on doctors (who I was not blaming), what hospital we delivered, and that we were all stuck in grief. I guess I was looking at one of these “veterans” in this horrible reality of loss and thinking that they would have the answer as to how to get unstuck and kind of on with life in a way. I was looking at we need to do something, make something, plan a walk, just something. They talked about a walk and it was obvious that these “veterans” were into being in charge. Nothing ever took place. I was sad because I would have loved to have walked for Samantha and Sydney and raised money to a good organization. Maybe March of Dimes anything to feel like I was saying I care and I want to help this stop.
Going to the grocery store and out to public also now proved to be a difficult task. The first time I was out with Joey and asked “how many children do you have”? I replied “one”. I then went to the car and cried feeling like I just lied, feeling like I just betrayed Samantha and Sydney, feeling like Sam and Syd were up in heaven looking down and thinking “she forgot about us already”. I don’t think people realize the amount of pain and guilt I felt. I was damned if I do tell them then I have to explain and wait for that silence that follows. Making the person uncomfortable. All they would have to say is I am sorry to hear that, but some stupid remark normally followed. Then I was damned if I don’t by the guilt I felt and the feelings of being a bad mommy by my two precious girls.

Once I was on my way to pick up dry cleaning and a mother was getting out of her car with twin girls. I sat in the car with tears rolling down my face. I was for some reason now seeing twins everywhere I went.

As the moths started rolling by there were a few things I was noticing about myself. One was that I would not go out in public very often. I started becoming a home body and felt safer in the walls of my home than anywhere else. If I got urges to do something for myself like work on losing weight it always became another negative outcome. I went to the gym one night and put Joey into the daycare. When the step aerobics class was over I went to pickup Joey. He was the only child in the nursery. When I asked how he was the reply was “very good” and then the lady said “when are you due.” I did not think she was talking to me. I seriously did a turn around to look for someone behind me. Then it hit me. This lady thought I was pregnant. I told her that I lost two babies to stillbirth and her reply was something like “I once knew a person…” That is all I remember. All I was thinking was I should be a mom again by now to two more. Again I left with tears streaming down my face. Poor Joey. I am glad that he was so young he does not remember all the sadness and all the tears that fell from my eyes. I tried my best to be a good mommy, but at the same time the guilt would eat at me like I was forgetting two others.
We had friends that we would hang out with (two different couples) no longer keep in touch. So yes even in this horrible process and when you need friends the most some can’t handle it or are too uncomfortable so instead of being friends they move on. That is so sad to me. Especially when at a time like this you just need to know that people care. The last time the three couples were all together we were at one of the other peoples home for dinner. No one said a word about what happened for a while. I brought it up after feeling that there was so tension and uneasiness in the air. The reply by one of the other ladies was “I am glad that the elephant is out of the room now.” That was the first time I had ever heard this expression. Now when I hear it I am always reminded of that night. I remember talking to Jeff on the way home about what the comment meant and having our children referred to as pink elephants.
In the summer time Joey and I were invited to an aunt’s summer home for a week. We had a nice time. The sad thing is that this is my dad’s brother and his wife. They were never very close to my dad or mom and once I lost the twins they were calling and showing that they cared. As soon as I got pregnant a third time the calls and letters stopped. I guess they figured I was now cured. I enjoyed the time with them and just wish that my dad and his brother could become closer. (It is a long story) the reason I bring this up though is because in my kitchen is a board that has A) Samantha Marie and B) Sydney Evelyn. My aunt told me I should erase the board, because I probably made friends that come into my home uncomfortable. Well for some reason I am unable to do it.

This photo above was taken today (6-17-08) It stays! I will not erase it.

It is my house and if the names of my two girls make you uncomfortable than don’t come in my house. That board was a happy time and I don’t have many of those with the loss of the girls. At one point that board had several names on it. Boy’s names and girls names. Then we found out we were having girls and the names we chose were up on the board. My grandpa’s wife was Evelyn Marie. I never met my grandma. So the twin’s middle names became her name. The girls are buried next to my grandparents.

As summer became fall I was still searching for answers. We were talking about having another baby as well. Our arms were empty and some people that we talked to said that another baby would help with the pain of the loss. I became busy working on something that I felt hospitals may be interested in. Here is was 2004 and I had given birth to stillborns. When I left the hospital I left with a nice packet on grief. In it I was told how to talk to my child when grandpa dies, and what to do if a loved one commits suicide. In it there was nothing to help me with the loss of stillborn babies. How to grieve the loss of TWO lives. I was in the hospital about to give birth to TWO stillborn babies and in the room I had no pen, no paper, and no contact information as far as cemeteries, caskets, funeral homes. I also had no ideas. I was still in shock. I was to write an obituary. If someone would have mentioned putting a poem in the paper along with what I wrote, or clothing my girls, or any ideas of putting a teddy bear in the casket. NOTHING there was nothing given to me. I actually was writing questions for my doctor that came to my mind down on the side of a newspaper that Jeff bought. So in my spare time I wrote a pamphlet of my own. This was filled with everything I wish I had had, blank spots to write ideas and thoughts, information only relating to the death of stillborns, who at that point wants information on the death of grandpa and how to tell your child? How does that pertain to the women lying in the hospital bed? I went to the hospital that I worked and talked with some of the people in charge. I showed a prototype of my work and my concerns about what they were handing out. In the end something that I thought was a great idea and one that needed to be marketed to this hospital became another smack in the face. I was told that I needed to go back to school, get my masters degree, and take classes on GRIEF. Are you kidding me? I am living it. Here is a nice pretty lady that doesn’t have a clue telling me I need more education on death and dying. The ladies that I worked with when I was on light duty with Joey’s pregnancy down in the Quality improvement department were all very supportive. They were all really into what I had done and all saw the need. As of right now the prototype is still done. It is just lying around my home. Maybe that is something to think about again in the future.?

In October I went to a conference out in Las Vegas. This is a perinatal bereavement conference. Here is the website for the one that is this year. http://www.perinatalbereavementconference.org/index.html
Again I was searching for anything. I was no longer working as a nurse, and I felt like this was really aimed towards healthcare providers. I guess I was just looking for answers and ways to get though this anywhere and way I could.

I am glad that I went to the conference and in some ways I wish Jeff was there, but in other ways I was glad that I was alone. I still was no closer in feeling “healed” or that I was “over” the loss of the girls in any way, but the tears were not coming everyday now. I was getting closer to feeling able to go out into public again also.

November Jeff was out one day washing the cars. It was a nice day for November in northeastern Ohio and I was inside facing that my period was a few days late. I took a few deep breaths and took a pregnancy test. It was positive. There was no faint line and no squinting at the stick this time.

I don’t have answers as to why Samantha and Sydney are in heaven and not in my home enjoying times with Jeff, Joey, and myself. I never will fully know or understand why this happened to us. I will never know why some people deliver mono twins and others don’t even though all claim that the cords were knotted and tangled around necks. I still don’t know why every time I went for an ultrasound and asked about the cords I was told that the cords can not been seen why I have read other mono moms say that they were able to have the blood flow of the cords checked during ultrasound. It is still all a mystery to me. What I do know is that this type of loss hurts. It hurts badly and the pain never fully goes away. Time helps heal some of the pain as well as hearing a simple I am sorry for your loss. Or I am sorry for your pain. It is during this time that all you can do is be a friend, bringing God into any sentence that comes out of your mouth is not helpful nor is it helpful for you to try to come up with your own explanation as to why this happened. Unless God or a higher power spoke to you and said “You go tell Laurie that the reason this happened was because of XYZ...” the best thing for you to do is say nothing or I am sorry.

I don't have much for Samantha and Sydney, but the few things that I do have mean a great deal. This is an ultrasound that says "baby A" and "baby B"

This is in what would have been Samantha and Sydney's bedroom. These are two shadow boxes that my cousin put together for me. In it is my bracelet from the hospital, a poem from the hospital, and their footprints. Their is an article of clothing, but neither of the girls wore these.

Loss of two precious lives

2008-06-17T12:02:00.000-04:00

Samantha & Sydney (2003- 2-17-2004)
As I type their names my heart starts racing and many emotions that I have tried to put behind me start to come out of hiding and up to the surface in my body. You have read many success stories with monoamniotic twins and unfortunately the statistics do ring true and not every story ends with a happy ending.
I found out I was pregnant again in October of 2003. It was around Halloween and we had just finished up with trick or treaters when Jeff went out to bring us back takeout food. He has brought back some clam chowder soup for himself and the smell of it was making me gag. A few other symptoms had been surfacing, but the thought of being pregnant was not one that I was welcoming or wanting to admit may be true. Why you may ask? The answer is that on August 4th 2003 I gave birth to my son. He was not even 3 months old. My pregnancy with my son was high risk with a great deal of stress, anxiety, and nervous tension. You can see my previous blog about his pregnancy.
When I started to suspect that I may be pregnant it was on a Sunday night and most stores were closed. I got in the car and Jeff and Joey were already asleep. I drove around to all grocery stores or anything I could find that may be open at 11:30-12:00 in the night. I finally found a 24 hour grocery store on the other side of town and went in and bought 2 different pregnancy tests. I came home and knew from experience that for me even though the box states “3-5 days before your missed period” that the tests can be faint or state negative when I am really positively pregnant. So I took the first test and this time there was a faint line for positive. I went to bed so upset. I do NOT believe in abortion. That was not an option. The difficulty I was dealing with was that when I was pregnant with Joey I spent months of time on bed rest. What if I had to be on bed rest again? Who would care for Joey? I gained over 50 pounds with Joey. I still had not lost the weight. I had terrible acne for the first time in my life with Joey’s pregnancy. What would my body and face look like now? I wanted to just be a mom. Get on the floor and crawl around and play with Joey. Devote all my time to him. So although in some ways the thought of another baby was exciting, it was the unknown about what this pregnancy would bring. Our kids would be very close in age. It was just a big surprise!
I called my ob who had been through everything with me when I was pregnant with Joey. I was scared to death to call her after all we went through to get Joey here and say “Dr. Howell I think I am pregnant.” I ended up calling and because it was so early in my pregnancy and I basically knew what to do we decided to wait until December of 2003 to have my first OB appointment with ultrasound. The office was busy with patients and holiday parties. I knew to call if I had any problems before the appointment.
Jeff and I went to the first appointment together on December 5th 2003. The reality now that I was pregnant had sunk in. I was having no problems with morning sickness and felt fine. It was easy to kind of forget I was pregnant with how busy I was with Joey. The tech came in to do the ultrasound and when she put the transducer on my belly I saw two flicks, but did not say anything. The tech said something about two. Jeff thought she was saying I was two weeks pregnant and I said no Jeff there are two babies. She confirmed that we were having twins. I was shocked to say the least, but also very excited. I can’t really put into words how my reaction and feelings towards the pregnancy had changed. You have to understand that as a child I dreamed of twins. I told everyone that I came into contact with that someday I wanted twins. In my mind they had to be identical and they also had to be girls. The tech then said something about a membrane and at that time my head was spinning that I would have more like triplets running around at home. Three kids less than one. An instant family. There were two of us and now there are five of us. I thought of comments people may make like “been busy”. But to know that I was having twins. I was overjoyed. My ob came in and then told us that she was sending me to Akron General Medical Center to meet with a Periantologist and that she would no longer have me as a patient. This really saddened me. I was so sad and did not understand why. I felt like she and I could do anything together after Joey’s pregnancy and I trusted her. Now she was telling me that she no longer was handling twin pregnancies nor was she handling high risk. She called me an “ultra high risk” pregnancy. If there really is such a thing. She then explained to me that there was a possibility that my twins were monoamniotic. She explained that that meant that the twins had no dividing membrane between them. She also told us that this did make the twins identical. I heard the identical and whatever else she was saying went in one ear and out the other. I was very naive about the whole thing now that I look back. I did come home and look up monoamniotic on the computer and did a little research, but the high risk part I was used to. I guess I figured we went through so much getting Joey here safely that we would make it through this too.
I also had never heard of monoamniotic twins. I had heard of fraternal twins and identical, but monoamniotic? This was all new to us. Yu can go to www.monoamniotic.org for more information about these types of twins.
December 22 2003
Today we went and met with the periantologist for the first time. We had an ultrasound and then went back to his office and sat down and talked. He was Dr. L (not his real name) and he looked tired. He looked like he had not slept in months. There were huge bags under his eyes he kept yawning, but he was able to throw out statistics and came up with our care plan and really seemed to be educated about mono twins and made us feel like he was capable to handle my pregnancy. He described mono twins like two babies inside of a ball. In a normal twin pregnancy there is a small thin membrane separating the twins so the cords do not become entangled. I also found out then that had our egg split again we would be having conjoined twins. His care plan consisted of seeing him every two weeks. I would have an ultrasound every other time I was there. He also said that I would be admitted into the hospital when I reached 24 weeks. At this appointment I was around 12 weeks pregnant. I do remember that the option of having a selective reduction was given to us. I also know he told us that we had a 50/50 chance with this pregnancy. We then told him that we had an upcoming trip scheduled in January for a week in Florida. He was very arrogant when he told us to go on the trip and “not to worry” about anything because there was nothing that could be done anyways had I started having problems when we were away. The babies are not viable until 24 weeks was something that he kept drilling into us. I just think he could have been nicer about the whole thing.
One thing I remember about this appointment is that when we had the ultrasound we saw the babies playing inside. It looked like they were playing patty cake. I know they were so tiny but to see them doing somersaults and rolling around on top of each other hands touching is something I will never forget.
Feb.2nd 2004
We were home now from our trip in Florida. I had my first bout with morning sickness the day we left for the trip. I was throwing up the morning we were leaving for the airport. I did okay on the flight and never had any more issues.
One night while we in Florida I remember that the next morning I was able to tell everyone that a dream that I had. I was at Dr. L’s office and I started having problems in the 20th week of pregnancy. I was admitted to the hospital. The problem that I was having was never revealed, but it was very clear that it was the 20th week in pregnancy that a problem would occur.
On February 2nd I had an appointment. This one had an ultrasound. We found out that we were having girls. I was ELATED!!! I had all my dreams coming true. I was the mom of identical twin girls. We have a chalk board/ cork board type thing in our kitchen. On it it said twins and up until this point it had boy names on one side and girl names on the other. We erased it and put girls and then the names of twin A and twin B. Twin A would be Samantha and twin B would be Sydney. Although the girls would be moving around all the time and could switch positions in the womb I decided that whoever was born first would be twin A and given the name Samantha. I was so excited to call her Sammie! Samantha comes before Sydney alphabetically so I decided that whoever came out first had that name.
A few days after the appointment and finding out we were having girls’ things really were starting to sink in. I knew that I would need some help with three babies. We were in the process of switching Joey out of the nursery and putting him into a different bedroom. The room he was in at the time was bigger so instead of making one of the other bedrooms Samantha and Sydney’s bedroom we figured it would be easier to put Joey into another room. We would need 2 more cribs, 2 more car seats. A vehicle that was big enough to hold 3 car seats. There was a lot to do.
Feb. 14th we went to my parent’s house for Valentine’s Day. Many people in my family travel and so I had a calendar and we were marking down who would be out of town and when in case I needed some help. We were starting to get closer to going inpatient so we were talking about Joey and what we would do with him and who could help care for him. We talked again about vehicles and decided that a minivan was in our future. A minivan! This was something that I was trying to avoid. I am a jeep kind of girl and the minivan was something that I did not see myself driving around town. I bought my first preemie girls outfits.
Around this time I was on the computer more often and really starting to research and learn more about mono twins. Every time I did a search on things I would read a story about a loss. Or I would find people who were similar to me. (My name etc) I started to freak myself out and I would get off the computer.
On Feb 16th 2004 I had my next appointment at the hospital with Dr. L. I went to this appointment alone. My mom was at my sister’s house watching Joey and my sister’s kids. Jeff was at work. There was no ultrasound at this appointment just routine pee in cup, blood pressure, weight etc.
I was in the shower getting ready to go to my appointment and starting to have strange thoughts/instincts that something was wrong with baby B Sydney. I was thinking that something was wrong with her head. I had a VERY strong feeling that although I was not suppose to have an ultrasound today, that I would be having one. I did not share my thoughts or feelings. I went to the appointment and got weighed and had my blood pressure taken. The nurse then came over to get the heartbeats on the babies before Dr. L came in to see me. She was unable to get a heartbeat on the babies and replied “the babies are SO active today!” “Lucky you, you get to have an ultrasound”. I wanted to say yeah I already knew that I was having an ultrasound today. So I waited for what seemed like forever. The ultrasound machine was going through some kind of maintenance where it gives data? I don’t really know but the tech was doing something with the machine. She kept apologizing to me that it was taking so long and then she came in to get me. I lay back on the table and soon the cold goo was on my belly. When she put the transducer on my belly I said to her “my babies are dead aren’t they” There was no reply from her for like a good two minutes. All of a sudden that transducer was going really fast, her fingers were going like 100 miles per hour, and she was typing into the machine really quick. She finally said “Laurie I am so so sorry.” I was in tears and she stated that she would be right back. She went to get Dr. L as I lay on this table alone, cold, in the dark, sobbing, and waiting. Dr. L came into the room and put the transducer on my belly again and this was what he said “I told you that this could happen with this type of pregnancy.”
I was told to get dressed and then Dr. L would come in to talk to me about my “options”. I need to state that I am a RN. I was not thinking clearly and my options made no sense to me. I have never thought about babies that die in the womb before. You mean you have to give birth? Was he serious??? I was so excited for a cesarean section after Joey’s pregnancy and birth. The thought of having to give birth? No he was making this up.
Finally Dr. L came in and told me that I had two options. The first was to just wait. Go home and let the babies be delivered when it was time for my body to go into labor and expel them or to be induced. The induction sounded better to me. He then said that I should come back to the hospital the following night to start the induction process. I got home and as things started to sink in I became really outraged. I did not like the fact that because my babies were still and had passed on I was being treated different than someone who was still pregnant with living babies in their womb.
That night Jeff and I were on the phone with family members and friends and letting them know what had happened. I was growing more and more worried and concerned about the fact that I was walking around looking pregnant yet my babies were not alive. This was uncomfortable. This was unimaginable. I didn’t like the fact that here I am alive yet I am walking around with babies that are dead. This is just a strange idea thought and reality to try to get your brain to understand and grasp. Later that night around 11:00pm I had had enough. Jeff and I were in bed and I said are you asleep? He replied no and I said I am having pains in my belly. Yes, there was discomfort but it was not the worst pain that I have ever been in in my life. So I called my mom and we took Joey over to her home and headed for the hospital. I basically had to ask permission to stay and have the induction begin now instead of the following evening. This irritated me to no end. Dr. L had to be called and because there were enough rooms available for pregnant mommies with viable living babies they decided they could spare a room and let me stay. THANKS!
It was a late night. Around 2 am we were finally in a room and I was hooked up with an IV and the first vaginal medication was given to begin the induction process. I was on the OB floor like any other person giving birth. The only difference was that outside of my room was a picture of a leaf that looked like it was wet and crying and in the inside of the room was a mommy lying in bed getting prepared to give birth to dead babies and there was sadness, tears, and no dreams of hearing a baby/babies coming out crying for the first time or feeling the warmth of a newborn on your chest after long hours of laboring.
Jeff and I got a little bit of sleep throughout the night. Not much. The medication so far had done nothing as far as thinning me out or preparing my body to get ready to give birth. It was now a waiting game. The nurses were doing their job and would talk to us about what would happen after giving birth. Because I was farther along in my pregnancy there were many things to think about. Including placing an obituary in the local paper, funeral homes, caskets, and a funeral. I don’t know why these things never occurred to me. I really have had little to no experience in funerals. The only funeral I had been to was my grandpas. So this was all new to me. Including where would we bury the babies?. We decided to have the girls buried next to my grandpa and grandma. My dad’s biological parents. My grandma passed away when my dad was 16 so I never knew her. My grandpa is one of my heroes and someone you can learn more about on my blog. He is who my son Joey is named after.
The nurses talked to me about a disposable camera. I guess they take pictures of the baby/babies and develop them and then send you the ones in the mail that they feel are appropriate. This was a horrific thought for me. I guess because there was really no one from a bereavement department I never gave a great deal of consideration to photos. The fact that they were in control of the whole process made me very disturbed.
The day continued to pass by. I decided that I wanted to have an obituary. I didn’t really know what to say. But I did put something together. I wish I would have added more now like a poem at the end. My dad took care of calling the funeral home and also finding a baby casket. Now it was time to just deliver. At some point in the afternoon I was checked and again no progress was occurring. The nurses gave me permission to walk around and even to go ahead and eat. Jeff and I took a walk and we went and both of us had sandwiches. I was not really in the mood to eat, but knew that at some point I would not be allowed to, so I wanted some kind of energy for later.
I remember bits and pieces of the day. I know that there was a lot of crying and still trying to come to realize that this was not a horrible dream, but my reality. At one point a resident doctor came in to check me and the lady next to me was giving birth. The doctor had left the door open and I remember listening as this woman was in pain and pushing and crying out. A few minutes later we heard the crying of the newborn. I began crying and asked the doctor to simply shut the door. He did a turn and bolted for the door and left telling me he would send my nurse right in. I wasn’t asking for my nurse I just did not want to hear all the joy and excitement next door that I would not be experiencing also.
Around 4-5 pm I started feeling very uncomfortable. I can only describe it as wanting to have a bowel movement. I knew this feeling. I felt it when I was in labor with Joey. The nurse came in and said no progress. So I guess I kind of believed her. I should have trusted myself though that it was not a BM and that in fact the medication was working.
6:00pm Jeff was leaving to go get himself something to eat. My phone rang and I was on the phone with my cousin when the uncomfortable feeling would just not go away. I knew that things were feeling different and changing fast. I told my cousin I had to go and hung up with her. I then rang for the nurse. She got me some pain medication and when she came back Jeff was back too. He could tell right away that things were moving quickly and that I may give birth soon.
Around 6-6:15 a doctor was called and the nurse was getting more pain med for me. Although she checked me again and said nothing was really changing I said no I have to push. She kept telling me not to mostly because nothing in the room was set up yet. I could not hold it anymore and I pushed and in 2 pushes the girls were out. They were born at the same time and it was exactly 6:30pm on the nose. The amniotic sac had not broke and the girls came out together and the sac hit the bed and it splashed open and both girls were right there. The girls were almost 20 weeks. They were 19 weeks and 4 days old. I would have been 20 weeks on that Friday. That was by my calendar. The OB had me at 20 weeks and a few days.
The doctor came into the room a few minutes later and he was a partner of Dr. L. He decided that no further testing needed to be done on the twins because the cause of death to him and everyone else in the room was obvious. Sydney had the cord tightly wrapped around her neck a few times. The cords were also wrapped around Samantha’s body and they found several “grape like” clusters of knots in the cords. “A cluster of grapes” is what the cords were constantly being referred to.
Samantha and Sydney were then being cleaned up by the nurses and were taken out of the room. I just sat there on the bed crying and Jeff was at my side crying too. The whole thing is still very surreal to me. Although I was in the bed having all this occur to me things just seemed to be moving faster around me than I could keep track of. Soon there were many doctors and nurses in the room as well as the anesthesiologist that was supposed to be giving me an epidural prior to the delivery. She walked in right when the girls were being pushed out on the bed. The next things I remember is the doctor constantly putting his hand into my vagina trying to help out the “stuck” placenta. I just wanted my girls and this whole placenta issue was becoming a big deal to everyone in the room as well as the “amount of blood she is losing”. Before I even really get to grips one thing the next thing seems to be occurring. For example my dad and mom and sister and cousin all walk in the room not realizing that the birth had already occurred. Me just wanting to see and hold my babies, and then the Dr. consistently being up in my business tying to help this “stuck” placenta. Then the nurse is coming in with my girls. My girls were in a picnic basket. Still there was all this commotion going on and I was unable to grasp really what all is going on. I just want to go hide in the bathroom with the picnic basket and slam the door and lock out all the other things occurring in my room.
At some point someone makes the decision that I am going to go for an emergency D&C. I need to sign my name to the papers as well as sign a paper that I accept blood to be given to me. They decide that while the or is being prepared I can see my babies for a few minutes. My mom, sister, and cousin leave. They don’t want to see them. My dad stays. The whole thing happens VERY fast. I would say that we had them for about 5 minutes before I am transported back. I do know that I kissed Sydney’s head and it was cold. This was strange at first before I had to tell myself again that yes, she would be cold she is not alive. Then later it occurs to me that I kissed Sydney and not Samantha. WHY? WHY?
The girls go back into the picnic basket and I get wheeled out of the room. I remember the anesthesiologist apologizing that she did not get there sooner and she would give me a good “cocktail”. I don’t know what that girl put in me but it was lights out.
I woke up to some point very groggy knowing that I made it out of surgery, hearing that I lost a lot of blood, they got the placenta, and then I was out again.
In the very early morning hours I woke up to use the restroom. At some point a new nurse came in. She helped me to the bathroom and then helped me get back into bed. She asked if I wanted to see the girls and I said no. She should have told me that “YOU NEED TO SEE THEM NOW THIS IS YOUR LAST AND ONLY CHANCE BECAUSE THEY WILL TAKE THEM FROM HERE REALLY SOON”. I went back to sleep. At some point I remember seeing Jeff and then waking up. I then called for a nurse and asked to see the girls. She said the funeral home already came. That was it. No more chances. I blew it all. I never saw them again.
It has now been over 4 years since the death of Samantha and Sydney. They say that everything happens for a reason. I still to this day do not know the reason why this had to happen to us. I am waiting for the day that the answer hits me in the face and the answer is clear. I still struggle with God and wanting him to explain himself. I have gone to talk to our pastor and although it was a nice talk I do feel like I have done a better job at dealing with my anger about the whole situation. I still can go to the place and get really angry when I go to that place in my body that the anger hangs out in. I try not to let it boil up anymore. The biggest thing I got out of the talk with our pastor is that if I let it go than who will remember Samantha and Sydney. I am the only one that still holds on to them to make their lives mean something. By letting the anger and feelings of the loss go then in many ways I feel like I gave up on them and am telling the world it is okay to forget about them too. I don’t know if they had been older in weeks or months if others would remember them and think of them daily like I do.
We missed out on two precious lives. Our girls would have been greatly loved, cared for, and all the good stuff that moms and dads do. I will never fully understand how a girl could dream of twins at such a young age and wanting them so badly and then having them taken away. I joke to myself now that I should have longed for living twins. I know that I will always be there mom, but I just feel like I got the raw end of the deal. I wish we would have had the opportunities that I do with my other children. To hear them cry, to see them walk, smile, talk, crawl, and get into trouble together. I long to put pony tails in long hair and fun dresses and matching clothes. These occasions are only ones I can dream of.

Bringing home our son

2008-06-16T17:19:00.001-04:00

August 5th was a day to get to know our new son. Jeff and I bonded with him, showed him off to family members, and were taught by the nurse’s things like caring for his umbilical cord and feedings. I am about 90% sure that on the 6th of August I was discharged and Joey and I were able to go home. Upon leaving the hospital we had one very important stop to make. This was already planned in my mind that we would go to the cemetery to say hello to grandpa and show off our son. We were leaving the hospital and about to go up a hill and there Jeff and I both saw in the sky the Goodyear blimp. I of course immediately began crying. Remember in a previous post I mentioned that the Goodyear blimp pops up when we are celebrating a special day or when we are thinking of Grandpa? Well there it was flying high in the sky. We continued on the cemetery and got a few photos of Joey visiting his great grandpa. We then headed home. I have to say that there are so many books out there on conception, pregnancy, and baby care, but as soon as we got home I remember Jeff and I just looking at each other like okay now what do we do? Joey was asleep in his car seat carrier and the dogs were sure excited to see him. When I was at the hospital and after giving birth Jeff would bring home something that Joey was wrapped in or wearing so the dogs could smell the new scent. The black lab Morgan went crazy. At one point Joey was in his carrier and the carrier was on the kitchen table. Morgan jumped up and put her front paws on the table to give kisses to the new baby. It was a bit scary to see her reaction at first. She was always guarding the baby.
All in all Joey was a very good baby. He was happy and never very cranky. He was very easy to care for and we never had any issues with him. This was a blessing after the things we went through during pregnancy.
This may be a bit of a TMI, (Too much information) but this how my story goes. When I was pregnant with Joey there were things that were off limits. Not only was I on bed rest, but every time I went to the doctor or hospital they would remind us that intercourse was out of the question. Needless to say Jeff went without for 9 months. After one gives birth you know all about the 2-3 weeks of bleeding that occur before you go for your checkup that one then gets the okay to resume normal activity. So the check up came for the go ahead and resume normal activity. And as I joke now I always say Jeff was a bit too excited. In October around Joey’s first Halloween I began having feelings that I may be pregnant. This was something that I was in denial about and was not about to face so early after giving birth to Joey. I took a home pregnancy test and got a faint line. The same old line I got with Joey. So I made an appointment with my OB who I thought was going to kill me. Turns out I was pregnant!

Joseph Alex

2008-06-11T11:57:00.000-04:00

For the most part I am a very detailed person. I like to blog facts and by helping me with the facts I like to use dates, times, months, detailed events that occurred. When I was in the process of delivering Joey my husband, Jeff wrote down all the details. The paper that he had written everything down on was thrown away by him after he found that our fourth child found the paper and was shredding it to pieces. So now I have only my memory to go by. I also have the ability to forget memories especially those memories that were not very pleasant so I am without times and this may be out of order, but it is the best I have to go by.

Sunday August 3rd 2004
This was a day filled with excitement but at the same time the minutes on the clock seemed to drag on forever. Ever hear of time standing still? This is how it felt time was moving. We knew that in the evening I would be going to the hospital to begin the induction process. We were very excited to get to the hospital and begin the journey that would produce our baby. I was so eager to finally see the face of this baby boy who had been growing inside of me, who had been kicking me, snuggling up high in my ribs, giving me scares if I was unable to feel a move, and this little baby who would be coming home with us and starting our family. This excitement was also present with the feelings of anxiety and not knowing what kind of pain would be felt to bring this baby into the world.
I don’t remember what Jeff and I did all day on this Sunday. I know that we were going to go to a movie. I don’t think we ever made it to one. We did go out for a late lunch early dinner and we were both probably thinking that this would be the last time that we sat here as a childless married couple. Our lives were about to change into something that we had never experienced before and our level of responsibility was also going to go to new heights.
When we did get to the hospital that night I was not on the labor and delivery unit. Instead I was given a private room on the antepartum floor. Once we filled out all the appropriate paper work blood was drawn, an IV was inserted, and soon the first dose of Cervidil was inserted vaginally. I was also hooked up to the fetal monitor and would not be allowed up to use the restroom. A cot was wheeled into the room for Jeff to lie on. It was probably around 10-11 pm when all of this was taking place. At the time I was having a few contractions. They were not painful nor were they very intense. I was asked if I wanted something to help me sleep and I said okay. I was given a little Benadryl in my IV. I had trouble falling asleep even after the Benadryl because of the excitement and anticipation of the unknown.
At some point we probably did get a few hours of shut eye, but as anyone knows sleeping in the hospital can be a difficult task. There is always someone coming into the room, lights, nurses talking in the halls, and the constant beeps, hums, or alarms from all the equipment that one is connected to. At 6 am I was checked vaginally and my cervix had started to soften. I was allowed to use the restroom and then the plan was that the next dose would be administered. When I got back into the bed I felt a gush and my water broke. Still being new to this I called the nurses and the fluid was tested and indeed the gush of fluid was my bag of water. At this point I knew that my risk of infection now increases. That was one thing that I remembered from my OB nursing class. The doctors then came in and continued to strip the membranes. I was no longer a candidate for the antepartum unit and was moved now to the labor and delivery floor. Once we arrived to the floor we were given an introduction to the room and my IV, fetal monitor, and call light were all hooked up or in place. Phone calls were made to the grandparents to be and Jeff and I got familiar with our new surroundings. At this point again I do not think that I was dilated very far along and now it was just a waiting game for my body to begin the necessary steps to deliver a baby. A few things that I do remember were being hot. Very HOT. The air conditioner in my room was probably set at 55 degrees maybe lower and it was never increased throughout the day. Everyone that came into the room would complain about it being cold, but to me it was just right. That is kind of funny to me because I am normally cold. My mom is in this photo with the blanket wrapped around her. The other women is Dee. She is my FIL girlfriend. She is part of the family and just like a grandma to my kids!Another side memory is drugs. Being a nurse I have administered all sorts of drugs to patients. Pain medications really do affect everyone differently. For me 2-4mg of Morphine is more than enough. Normally the Doctor’s orders will state something like 2-8mg every 2-4 hours or something close to that. So I liked to start low with my patients and then check after 30 minutes to see what their pain was like. Some patients would need more pain medication others would be like me and totally knocked out with 2 mg of pain medication. I was given some Morphine and I was out like a light. When I would wake up and hear talking or look around I would be told that my contractions were increasing and can I feel the pain and I was always like no. I was allowed up to the restroom at some point and I know my mom was in the room assisting me. We were both very alarmed when we noticed the trail of blood on the floor as I made my way to and from the toilet. I did not know that there would be bleeding associated with my water breaking. I still don’t know if this was really a normal thing. We did tell the nurse and I think that was my last trip walking before I gave birth. From there on out I was allowed to use a bedpan or a straight catheter was used.
Again not really being able to give correct times and all details of the day, there was one point when I had every Tom Dick and Harry in my room and up in my business. Joey was experiencing desats and a probe was inserted vaginally to prick his head. After having everyone in my room and a lot of commotion and talk of a possible cesarean section being heard they were soon gone. That was a terrifying event and as speedy as they came in my room scrambling around and having extreme anxiety fill the air they were gone just as quick. They never did come back into explain how the baby was doing or if a cesarean needed to be performed. I had to ask a nurse later about that. Turns out baby was doing okay and recovered from whatever occurred.
The day continued to progress and grow later and later and still little progress was made by my body. My dad left and had the gumption to walk into my room later with a pizza. Boy did it smell and look good. I had no appetite to eat, but just knowing that my favorite food (pizza) was in his hands made me annoyed that he would bring it into my room. We have a picture somewhere of him walking over to my bed talking to me with a pizza in his hands. I am unable to find that photo.
It was not until around after dinner time that things began to evolve for me. I was in more pain now and contractions were beginning to increase in intensity and frequency. I knew that I wanted an epidural so I was dilated enough now to have one started. We waited for what seemed like forever to get the epidural. I know that I had pain that I never wanted to feel and still try to block out. It was the worst feeling and pain that I have every felt or experienced before. I do not know how women can give birth naturally. I thing they must have a pain threshold like no one’s business. It hurts…. BAD is all I can say and I only experienced it for maybe 10-15 minutes. I was crying and if someone offered me a gun I may have taken them up on their offer at that point. It was excruciating to say the least.
The epidural was in place and I was now more comfortable. M concern was how I was going o push unable to feel my legs and feet, but I was now also not worrying too much about it. Again with all the drugs I was just tired. I slept mostly and tried to participate in conversation when I was up.
The next event to cause the nurses running into the room with doctors falling in step was that my blood pressure was dropping and my heart rate was increasing. At this point they stopped my epidural. NOOOOO is all I was thinking. That was not part of my birth plan. NOOOOO I just felt that pain. An oxygen mask was placed on me, a new bag of IV medication was hung for my blood pressure, and again the tension and worry filled the room. I was so drugged and tired that really I know this happened but it is kind of like the feeling of seeing things happening, but being unable to speak your thoughts. I do know that I talked to someone and begged and pleaded for my epidural. I knew from nursing that if it was too powerful that they do have a way to decease the epidural as opposed to shutting the whole thing off. At some point it was started on a lower dose and I was much happier. The epidural also helped my body relax so that my body was able to dilate faster. It was not until around 8 or 9 pm that my OB was called and pushing started.
On Monday August 4th Joseph Alex was born at 2154. He came into the world weighing 6 pounds and 1 ounce and was 18 inches long. He came out not making a sound and he was not put on my chest immediately. He was put onto the baby table (don’t know what to call it) they had to rouse him and I remember saying “why isn’t he crying?” There was a moment when we all were very quiet watching the nurses and the NICU nurse that was called in and soon we heard the first noises of Joey. Once he started to breathe and his APGAR scores improved as well as being cleaned up he was swaddled and put into my arms. Jeff did cut the cord and he did great at viewing the whole birth process. Soon the grandparents would be coming into the room but before they did I wanted to make sure that Joey was in his Wisconsin outfit before anyone else saw him. It was important and meaningful to me to have Joey in something Wisconsin to remember my grandpa and to pass on his name.

End of the school year activites

2008-06-06T10:56:00.001-04:00

I will soon be back to my regularly scheduled programming…. Pregnancies and the past, but before I get to the past I felt like I needed to do this blog for my kiddos. It has been a very busy week as I am sure it has been all over the country for moms of school aged children. Summer is here and it can be seen by the increased temperatures, the opening of swimming pools, the hanging baskets of bright beautiful flowers, the green grass that is always being freshly mowed, the sight of bumble bees, and of course those pesky mosquitoes. I love summer. I wait all year for the sun to shine and to have the opportunity to be outside watching my kids ride their bikes, play on the swing set, play ball, and enjoying side walk chalk. I can’t express how much better I feel when the sun is shining and the sounds, smells, and feel of summer are felt all around me.
This past week has been hectic to say the least. As I just described all the things we enjoy doing outdoors we have been so busy that we have been unable to most of it. Jeff has been out of town of business and comes home later tonight. (Big smile)So when he is away on business that adds to my late nights and having more responsibility.

Wednesday was Gabby’s last class of Little Leapers. Little Leapers is like a gymnastics class. We have been going there since Joey was about 2. The last session before summer they have an awards ceremony. It is just really fun for the kids. They get a medal and the teachers play the Olympic theme song as the kids get their medal. I was so happy for Gabrielle. Being the younger child she often is too young for some of the activities that Joey is involved in. She has watched Joey get trophies and medals of his own, so this was just a big deal for her.

Running to mommy to show me her medal

Look at me mom!

Thursday was Joey’s last day of Little Leaper’s also. He is in a class with 13 other boys. I give big props to the teachers. It is always fun to watch the boy’s class, so different from the girl’s class. The boys are all 4/5 years. These boys have so much energy and watching them all run around and tumble is a treat. Joey on the balance beam

Joey with the torch

Joey with the group receiving their medals

After Little Leaper’s yesterday we went for kids haircuts and ran some father’s day errands. Then it was time to let the kids unwind and relax before getting ready and going to Joey’s school concert. The concert is all the kids singing various songs with different hand movements. Joey knew that his concert was last night and we would talk throughout the day about singing loudly, smiling, and I even told him if he was nervous up there to picture all of us parent’s and family members sitting there in our underwear. That got a laugh out of him. For those of you that do not know my son he is very picky about his clothes. Last year I let him wear a new Lebron James jersey and matching shorts. I know not very dressy, but it was brand new and the Cavs were in the playoffs and playing that night. So I was hoping that the parent’s would all enjoy his outfit and as most of the men watching their kids at the concert were thinking about the upcoming big game I thought it would be fun for them to see a little boy showing his love for the Cavs and Lebron too. Well this year the Cavs are obviously not in the playoffs so I had picked out a pair of plaid shorts from Gymboree with a matching shirt. No big deal right? Well Joey was not happy when we left the house. He wanted me to go home so he could change his clothes. Normally he likes Umbros, mesh basketball shorts, Indians t-shirts, Boston Red Sox t-shirt etc. You get the picture just not as dressy as mom wanted. I explained to him that I do a lot for him and that I was just asking him to do this for me. As soon as we got home he could change his clothes. Well he then began crying and whining. This was not a god sign. So I did the ultimate bad mommy thing and told him that he would not have a birthday party with his school friends if he did not stop his whining and crying and carrying on. I was out of options. I hate threatening my kids with things. I think that I made a bad choice there, but I didn’t know what else to do. My grown up logic and trying to convince him was not working. So we got to the school he stopped crying after my threat and I dropped him off in his room with all the other kids. The concert started and Joey did not sing one note. He did not do one hand gesture, clap his hands or anything. I went up with the camera to the front row and was making eye contact with him, making funny faces, and mouthing sing. He would just look at me and smile, make a funny face, or shake his head no. This was all over his clothes! You would have thought that I made him go in a shirt and tie with the way he was acting. Maybe next year he can go in his picked out clothes after all. I apologized to his teacher and told her it was my entire fault because of his clothes. She was like he is one of my better singers I was wondering what was going on with him. Enjoy the pictures they do capture Joey and his stubbornness. By the way Joey and Gabrielle got into an argument the other day. Gabby with her long fingernails attacked Joey’s face. That is why he has those scratches.

Joey is the boy in the front row looking at the camera and smirking/smiling. (above photo)

Below I don't know if he is looking at the girls shoes next to him or trying to catch a nap?

I would love to know what he is thinking or pondering here. Maybe look at those fools in the audience. He is suppose to be clapping and singing. I love the boy in the Pooh and Tigger shirt with his hands in his mouth. He looks as excited as Joey being up there.

Joey and his buddies. Left to right Blake (Joey's cousin/ my nephew), Meghan, Joey. Meghan hangs out with these two and there is one boy missing from this group. These 4 kids are together all day long and are the best of buds. Whenever I ask Joey who he plays with at school the answer is always the same "Blake, Meghan, and Jack". (Jack not pictured)

Check out my Slide Show!

2008-06-05T01:09:00.001-04:00

Hawaii & Our 6th Year Wedding Anniversary

2008-06-04T23:42:00.000-04:00

I am back! I feel bad that in my last blog post I said that I would do a picture of the day everyday that we were in Hawaii. Well it never seemed to happen. When night time came both Jeff and I were in bed and fast asleep. I am starting to finally get on track again from the time change.

We had a WONDERFUL time. I have to first thank my mom and dad who were so kind and watched the kids for us and did all the duties I normally would do. They put their jobs aside for the kids and Jeff and I are forever grateful. It was harder on Joey than we expected, but we are glad to be home and back into our normal routines again. Already Jeff is out of town on business!
We got to Hawaii and it was later in the evening Hawaii time. It was 4:00am Ohio time when we finally were checked into the hotel and in our hotel room. We were exhausted and welcomed our “heavenly” beds. When we finally got up the next morning we went to the pool and basked in the sun. By mid afternoon I think Jeff and I were both looking at each other like now what do we do? No kids? Relax? No schedule? What is this? So we decided to go parasailing. There was a company right on the beach that was offering it. This was the first time either of us had gone parasailing. I was nervous not because I am scared of heights, but because I was afraid of what would happen if the rope should snap. I am not fond of being out in the middle of the Pacific with whales and sharks. I was told several times that there is nothing to be afraid of because the whales had gone up to Alaska/ Canada for the summer. Anyways it was beautiful. I was surprised that Jeff and I were also able to have a conversation not shouting to one another. It was not loud or windy up there whatsoever. I highly recommend parasailing.

Over the next few days we did many fun things like horseback riding, snorkeling, shopping, and also just driving around the island and finding our own little adventures.

I am on Keiko and Jeff is on Apache

We took a boat ride out to Molokini and went snorkeling and then to turtle town. I had an amazing experience swimming with some sea turtles. They are so gentle and clam in the water. It was one of the coolest things I have ever done. We ended up buying our own snorkel masks and then found other places to snorkel throughout our trip. A few other times we saw sea turtles. Of course when I then buy the underwater camera to share this with the kids, we never saw another sea turtle on our snorkel adventures. We did see some amazing fish and coral under water. At one place I was just observing things and was really scared and shocked when I spotted a black zebra moray eel. My fins were moving then. Anything that looks or acts like a snake and I am gone. The eel and I made eye contact and I still get the chills thinking of the thing.

On May 25th Jeff and I celebrated our 6th year wedding anniversary. We spent the morning going to a different side of the island. We had breakfast and then went to a dive shop to rent some snorkel gear (fins, flotation device, and scuba zip up shirts). We then went to two sites for snorkeling. Afterwards we headed back to the hotel and I got ready to go get my hair done and Jeff went and did some laundry. We then went and got some pictures before dinner of the sunset of the two of us. Dinner was an experience. Lets’ just say that the more expensive a meal the less likely I am to eat. I do not eat anything that comes out of the ocean. I am more of like a vegetarian except that I will eat chicken and I will eat an occasional hamburger. Other than that my meat intake is very limited. It has more to do with thoughts of the animal and texture than anything else. The concierge at the hotel told us about this place, great atmosphere, good food etc. When I picked up the menu I knew right away that I would be having a salad. I asked if the portions were big and was told yes. So I ordered this fancy tomato salad with onions and some sort of vinaigrette dressing. The salad came in a MARTINI glass. It took me like 8 bites and that was my dinner. I am happier at Subway or getting a slice of pizza. I hate when you pay so much and get so little. There was one item on the menu and it was $80.00 for a steak! WOW is all I can say. I hope they know if that was really one good cow.

Sunset picture

So our Anniversary was a fun day. I will never forget that salad! I think Jeff and I know better now also. Those places make me uncomfortable and the food I could live without really. Cheap date! That is me.

Our last day on the island we drove to Hana. Now the road to Hana has 600 curves and 56 bridges. It was insane! The roads were winding for 30 miles. We decided to do this trip at the last minute after a snorkel adventure and we had no clothes to change into. So we did it in our bathing suits and we were out to find some waterfalls. We did see some amazing waterfalls as well as some amazing views and sights. It was a great time!

We are now back in Ohio and ready for summer. Joey has his last day of preschool on Friday.

Hawaii

2008-05-21T14:39:00.000-04:00

Jeff and I made it safely to Hawaii!! We had a four hour lay over yesterday in Seattle. We were greeted with a temperature of 55 degrees and RAIN! We went to our favorite restaurant for lunch and then took the taxi back to the airport to get our next flight for Hawaii. We decided to do a picture of the day. We got a new camera before coming here for our anniversary, so we will be taking lots of pictures and playing with lenses, aperture, and flashes etc. This is today's picture that Jeff took this morning while I was still sleeping. Don't worry I will get back to my pregnancy stories soon.

Enjoy these photos. Hawaii is a GORGEOUS state.

Am I pregnant?

2008-05-19T14:43:00.000-04:00

December 2002
Jeff and I had been trying now for a few months to conceive our first child. I was beginning to have a ‘feeling’ this month that things were different and in fact maybe I was pregnant. (Warning this post is not for the squeamish!)

I was at work one night caring for a patient. I don’t remember why he was there, but it was kind of strange that he was on our floor. In the ICU 90% of the patients are on a ventilator or CPAP machine. This patient was breathing room air just fine and was even ambulatory asking if he could go use the restroom. What he did not understand about the floor he was on was that there are no bathrooms in the rooms. On an ICU floor there is no need for restrooms in the rooms due to the fact that these patients normally have a Foley catheter in place and that they are bedridden. So again, why I had this patient I do not remember, but what I do remember is that he needed to have a bowel movement. He then told me that he had not had a bowel movement in over a week! I got him a bed pan and allowed him his privacy. When I went back to his room to empty his bed pan I about threw up on the floor right there. It was the worst smell ever. I felt like my sense of smell had become stronger by 1000%. I made it in time to the bathroom before I got sick! (Thank goodness) I literally went running out of his room. I later apologized to him. Another thing that I observed was coming home and the smell of coffee in our home. Jeff drinks coffee and just the smell of the coffee grounds made me nauseated. The final clue was that I had not started my menstrual cycle. These are all pretty good signs. I went to the store and bought a home pregnancy test. I was so encouraged by the fact that the box stated “now test up to 3-5 days before your missed period.” I took the test and it was negative.

A few more days passed and I decided to take another home pregnancy test. I still had not started my menstrual cycle. This time if you squinted you may be able to see a very faint line, but then again maybe my mind was doing tricks with me. So I decided to call my OB and have a blood test drawn. When I went into her office on 12-16-02 they drew the blood. I went home and was excited for the following day to find out the results. Instead I got a phone call from my OB office stating that they spin the blood and that my sample did not spin correctly. I then went back to the office to have my blood taken again.

12-17-02 I received a phone call from Dr. H and I was indeed pregnant. My HCG level was 98 making me 1-2 weeks pregnant. I called Jeff and my mom to tell them about the good news. Jeff was so excited. People kept telling me that he started pacing and saying “I am going to be a dad!”
1-3-03 today was the first time Jeff and I got to see our little bean on the big screen. There really was nothing to see, but they did show us the small flick that was our baby’s heartbeat. What an amazing feeling!
1-3----1-13-2003 I do not know the correct date. I was in the shower one morning and when I got out I noticed some blood. I figured I cut myself shaving. I checked my legs over and there was no blood. I then realized that the blood was coming vaginally. I was horrified. I called my mom! I always call mom. She said call your doctor right away. So I called Dr. H and although it was so early in my pregnancy she took a proactive approach. She told me to call off work and go lie down on my left side. So I did just that.

This was a scary time for me and our family. My sister had two miscarriages early on. I was very naïve when it came to this whole pregnancy thing, but I knew that the bleeding was not a good sign. I was lucky that it was light and more or less like spotting. I stayed on bed rest for a few weeks.

1-13-2003 I was referred to the hospital to the maternal fetal specialists to have another higher tech ultrasound done. It was determined that I was around 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant, there was a fetal heart beat, and NO OBVIOUS SOURCE OF BLEEDING was identified. I was still unable to go to work and another letter was sent to my job explaining that I was on bed rest and unable to return to work.

My Dr. also decided that I needed to have some blood work done to determine if I have any thrombophilia disorders. I was lucky in that my sister and I shared the same Ob. After her two miscarriages before her next pregnancy she had the blood work done for thrombophilias. They found that she is homozygote for MTHFR. I was heterozygote for MTHFR, but they found I was homozygote for something called PAI-1. What does this mean? PAI-1 is the primary inhibitor of tissue plasminogen activator (t-PA) in plasma. Individuals (ME) with 4G/4G genotypes have a higher risk for venous and arterial thrombosis. In pregnant women, 4G homozygosity is a risk factor for fetal loss, IUGR, preeclampsia and preterm delivery. The treatment for me is to take a baby aspirin daily for the rest of my life. Also there were some studies at the time for using a drug called Glucapage. This drug is in fact used for diabetes. So it was determined that if I ever got pregnant again they would start me on this medication.

I was allowed to go off bed rest when I had no bleeding episodes for a two week period.
1-28-2003 I made it two weeks with no bleeding. I called my OB to obtain a “go back to work slip”. She agreed and I was allowed to return to work for 3 8hour shifts only. I was not to lift anything heavy either. This made going back to work very difficult! I am constantly turning bedridden patients every two hours so they don’t get skin breakdown. HMM
I was able to get other nurses and aides to turn my patients. Everything worked out.

FEBRUARY 2003 (MEN OR SQUMISH PEOPLE DO NOT READ)
Jeff was out of town one weekend away in another state for a friend’s wedding. He was in the wedding. Because of the problems I was having I did not attend. I will never forget this night for the rest of my life! I went to Subway and got some dinner. My usual 6 inch ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo on Italian white. I was feeling great. By the time I got home I just had to go to the bathroom. I was in my scrubs and ready to eat and then get the dogs taken care of before heading to work. When I went into the bathroom I noticed that my underwear was completely soaked red. I was shocked. I felt nothing. I ran to the phone and called my mom. Who told me to get off the phone with her and call my Doctor. The first thing out of her mouth was you can call off work now and get on your left side. I then tried calling Jeff. This was not like the first bleeding episode at all. This was scary bleeding like I am expecting all of my insides to fall out. I changed my clothes and put a pad in my underwear and went to lie down. Back to Jeff he is at a wedding. His phone is off. He has no idea what is going on at the homestead. I felt so bad for him, but at the same time was so angry because I just wanted to talk to him. We just went through bleeding what is going on? I just did an extra two weeks on bed rest and made it with no problems. An hour passes and I am watching some game network channel. I got up to use the restroom and to see how things are going down there. I look on the pad and it is soaked. To top it off this time there are now quarter size pieces of clots dropping into the toilet. I begin to freak out and telling me this is it. This baby cannot survive this. I called Jeff’s phone again. It is still off. I call my mom again. She says go lie down. I am a wreck. Another hour passes and I go through the same thing. Another soaked pad more clots. I call my mom again. I said I am coming to get you we are going to the hospital.

I do NOT like surprises. I wanted to know what was going on. If I was losing this baby I needed to know and prepare myself.

2310 February 8 2003 we arrived at the hospital. I was 12 weeks into this pregnancy now. I was put into a room expecting the worst. When you have vaginal bleeding the last thing you want is a really cute doctor entering your room. That is what happened on top of the fact that I am sitting there with nothing on underneath my gown. He wheels in his ultrasound machine and decides that because I am so early into my pregnancy that he needs to do a vaginal ultrasound. He pulls out a condom and puts it on the tip of the transducer. I take a deep breath expecting to see nothing. Low and behold there is baby. Baby looks like he is swimming the backstroke inside my womb. Baby has a heartbeat! My mom and I both got teary eyes. There was nothing that he could see that was causing this bleeding. My baby was alive. It was back to bed rest I go!
2-24-2003 back to the hospital I go to see the maternal fetal specialists. The ultrasound revealed that I was now 14 weeks 1 day pregnant. Baby had a strong heartbeat and that I had a blood clot on my placenta. Now there was a reason for the bleeding. There was nothing to do, but stay on bed rest and closely monitor this pregnancy.

3-12-2003 I had a blood test taken for alpha fetal protein. (AFP) My level came back at 3.24. This was high. According to the literature “...indicating an increased risk of an open neural tube defect or other congenital anomalies.” I got a phone call from my Dr. stating I was positive for a neural tube defect. Now what? I was then scheduled an ultrasound back at the hospital with the maternal fetal specialists, genetic counseling, and a possible amniocentesis.

3-25-2003 a GOOD day, finally. Today we found out the following during the ultrasound. I am 18 weeks 3 days pregnant. The retroplacental clot is still visible. But the best news is this “THE EXTERNAL SILHOUETTE OF THE SKULL APPEARED TO BE INTACT.” “AND THE CLOT SEEN PREVIOUSLY I SUSPECT IS THE CAUSE OF THE ELEVATED ALPHA-FETOPROTEIN.”

The last thing we found out today was that we were the proud parents of a BOY! This was quite a surprise to me! I had already been buying pink! I just ‘knew’ my baby was a girl. I always babysat girls so in my mind this had to be a girl. I think I said and told the same people over and over “it is boy” kind of like how did that happen? The pink items went back or to new homes with girls and the blue items started coming into our home. As soon as we found out you were a boy we called you Joey from then on out! You were being named after your great grandpa. I had made a promise that I intended to keep as well as wanting to honor the life of grandpa.

We were asked a few more times about making sure that there was neural tube defect and having an amniocentesis. I said no. If this baby came out with a neural tube defect we would handle it. I was not putting the baby at risk to tell me this. I felt confident in the ultrasound that this baby was just fine. I was taking extra folic acid before I even found out I was pregnant. I remember in nursing school teaching about folic acid and wearing a green ribbon to encourage others to increase their folic acid intake to decrease the chance of neural tube defects. I knew in my heart that this was not an issue for us. I was going to trust my instincts.

APRIL~ a new month and new issues. I started to receive letters in the mail from our insurance company. I worked at a good hospital and so both mine and Jeff’s insurance was through my work. The problem was that I was now not working. They wanted us to pay over $1000.00 a month for our insurance. I was bringing in no money and we did not have this ‘extra’ money. This was a big stress to me. So I had to go back to work, if my doctor agreed and I was not allowed to be doing patient care, but I was allowed to do light duty if I could find someone to take me. I talked to the human resources people and they found a spot for me in the quality improvement department. I was working part time to keep my hours. A desk job. I actually really like it. I met some great ladies. Felt a bit like an investigator which is right up my alley. I always tell Jeff I should have been a private eye or a cop. I am nosey and I like to get to the bottom of things.
The order for returning to work said “no more than 4 hours a day and no heavy lifting.” Due to the fact that the pregnancy was the most important thing to Jeff and me he tried to get insurance through his job. This proved to be a cumbersome task. We were denied because I was considered “a preexisting medical condition.” Once I delivered then it was a different story.
Besides that fiasco April proved to be an uneventful month.

MAY 2003~ the month of May was progressing well. It was decided that I would have a follow up ultrasound on the 22nd to check growth and to look at the clot.
5-22-03 I went to the appointment. I was now 26 weeks and 1 day pregnant. The baby was active. They did see some “mild dilatation of the baby’s left kidney” as well as the amount of amniotic fluid was now low. I was told I had oligohydramnios. I was yet again put on bed rest. I was to spend the weekend drinking as much water and fluids as possible and a repeat ultrasound was scheduled for the following week.

5-27-03 today was another ultrasound down at the hospital. The concerns were to recheck the amniotic fluid as well as the baby’s left kidney. The amniotic fluid level went from 6.6 cm to 17.0 cm. Much better and no longer a concern. The kidney was not dilated and no more concern. Baby was measuring 27 weeks and 6 days.

JUNE
6-6-2003 today was yet another ultrasound. The purpose for this ultrasound was to look again at the fluid levels, kidneys, and baby. The baby’s heart beat was 146 bpm, the amniotic fluid level was 13.9cm, and both kidneys were normal.
At this point RELIEF was all I was feeling. I was thinking that the remainder of this pregnancy now would be smooth sailing until the finish line. Well almost. I have to have a few more scares first.
6-17-03 I am up and on my way to work in the morning. I was backing out the driveway when I felt sick to my stomach. I got out of the car and was leaning over and throwing up in the grass. I felt better after I was done and when I went to get back in the car I felt wet. So I went back in the house and was very concerned that my water broke. I have never been pregnant before and really did not know what to expect. I felt a bit of a gush but not a ton. So I call my mom. She says go to the hospital which I do. I think I may have picked her up or she picked me up. Anyways she was with me. I went to the OB triage and explained what happened and thought my water broke. Well it turns out I wet my pants. Yes, how embarrassing is that. The good thing though is that baby was only 30 weeks along. So I knew he needed more time inside to grow. I was a bit relieved that baby was not coming sooner than we all thought.

There was another time that I went into the OB triage when I was at work. Being that I worked in the hospital I was delivering at and all my appointments were at, there was one day that I just was not feeling baby. By now I was a nervous wreck about EVERYTHING so when I was not feeling much movement one morning I went up to have a nst done. I wanted to just use the Doppler here the heartbeat and be done with it, but they insisted that I lie down and do a NST. Baby was just fine. Good strong heartbeat. I was a bit relieved.

JULY 2003
7-18-03 I worked in the morning and then had a NST at my OB’s office in the afternoon. Jeff was at a company amusement park day in Sandusky which is about 2 hours away. I got the the NST and baby was showing signs of distress and decels. I was told by my OB to go straight to the hospital and have a NST done there. There was concern over her machine as well as if I needed to deliver then I would be at the hospital. I was a bit frantic. Again my mom, dad, Jeff, aunt, uncle, sister, etc were all at this amusement park 2 hours away. So I got a hold of Jeff and he drove up to the amusement park with my aunt and uncle. The three of them jump in a car and start driving probably toooo fast to get to the hospital. It turns out that baby was doing okay...
At this point we are getting farther and farther. I had now formed a pretty good relationship with my OB. I think that she was very proactive, caring, and on the ball with my pregnancy. She and I had felt like we climbed a mountain together. She was not going to have me go 40 weeks. The literature also supported this because of the thrombophilia. We decided on having an induction and she had me go into the hospital on Sunday August 3rd 2003. They would then start the induction process.

I have to admit that when I thought of pregnancy this is not what I ever imagined. When you see the shows on television or movies no one that I had ever seen had gone through so much stuff to carry a baby to term. I was going into this thinking that every mother has a glow and all women look so cute when they are pregnant. I was wrong there too. I had never had acne like I did with this pregnancy. To the point that I had acne on my chest and shoulders as well as my face. I felt like one giant zit. Being on bed rest so much and not exercising I went from being 5’3” and 135 pounds to being 5’3” and almost 200 pounds! I was huge!! I was swollen and when I walked I could fell fluid in my legs. It was a strange sensation. But I was almost at the end of this. I was so excited to see this baby and hold him for the first time. I was so excited to have him out of my ribs. Joey I did not mention was also breech for a long time in this pregnancy. There was talk of maybe a cesarean section because he was breech. He loved to be up in my ribs and he sat high in my chest.
Sunday August 3rd………

This picture was taken about two weeks before I delivered. My face tells it all. I can't believe that was me. My husband looks so young!